Forget all this 'sweat-wicking' nonsense, we remember back when shirts were one size, fit like a poncho and still looked awesome.
I’m the type of footballer that wears Copa Mundials, sits deep, completes short, simple passes and shouts a lot, whilst wearing a hideously retro football top.
According to various online football hipster surveys, I’m heavily hipster.
In light of this heart-bruising news, I try to use this to my advantage and use my hipster status to write incredibly hipster football articles.
No heat-maps, pass completion rates or key passes per game, simply the deeper part of football people care about without having to give a toss about numbers and all that statistics shit.
The fact I’ve previously written for a well-known stats-based site and used various stats and heat-maps to convey some sort of ludicrous point, does make this slightly hypocritical, but we’ve all made mistakes, right?
Football, in general, is nowadays riddled with all types of shit, no more so than the hideous strips the likes of Nike, Under Armour (?) and Sondico churn out. However, there once was a time when kits needn’t be £90.00, vile and have various modern day holes under the armpits to increase ventilation. I’m talking about the 80’s and the 90’s, where kits were all one size, fit like a poncho, but looked pukka.
Adidas were (and still are) the crème de la crème of kit producers and have issued some blinding national strips in their time, here’s the very best of them.
(All images from: www.classicfootballshirts.co.uk)
Northern Ireland – Mexico 1986
Northern Ireland’s third (and last) appearance at a World Cup came at Mexico ’86, where they were cruelly thrown into a group with Brazil, Spain and Algeria. After loses to both Spain and Brazil and a 1-1 draw with Algeria, Billy Bingham’s (me either) men were sent packing in the group stages.
Despite the shoddy football the Northern Irish have always played, their World Cup 1986 home strip was something of a masterpiece. Bravo.
Canada – Mexico 1986
Sticking with Mexico ’86 and Canada made their first and only appearance at the World Cups finals in a Liverpool-esque jersey.
Again, much like Northern Ireland, their gear was a lot better than their football as they finished bottom of a group containing Soviet Union, France and Hungary, plus scoring no goals in the process.
The Canucks’ Paul Stalteri never got the chance to grace a World Cup, sad that.
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Germany – USA 1994
The Germans went into the 1994 American World Cup as reigning champions and favourites with Klinsmann, Voller, Hassler and Effenberg pulling on this wonderfully vulgar, Microsoft paint designed strip.
The hideousness of the design is what makes it so wonderful.
Despite topping their group, Berti Vogts’ Die Mannschaft were knocked out in the second round by Bulgaria, who went on to finish fourth overall.
Argentina – USA 1994
I’m not usually a fan of stripes, not just because I’m a bitter Portsmouth fan envious of the striped bastards down the road from us, but because there’s something superbly tacky about them, something very Sunday League or five-a-side.
However, Argentina’s 1994 strip, that was so beautifully modelled throughout by Gabriel Batistuta, is a rare exception.
The pure simplicity of the jersey and the Fred Perry-esque collar-button combo erased all prejudice I had towards stripes – until I saw Diego squeeze into one.
Argentina were knocked out in the last sixteen against our bleach blonde favourites the Romanians. This was pre-bleach blonde, mind.
USA – 1989 CONCACAF Gold Cup Qualifiers
I’ll be honest, I’d never even seen this jersey until recently and it was made merely for USA’s qualifying campaign for the 1989 Gold Cup and that alone.
It’s a shame no one cares about the Gold Cup, meaning it was basically unseen by the world, but being the football hipster I’ve become after completing various surveys, I’ve dug up a gem.
The Americans, to the shock of anybody that cared, came runners-up after (don’t laugh) Costa Rica nicked it on goal difference.
Germany – Italia 1990
The single most fantastic football shirt of all time, worn by the World Cup winning German side of Italia ’90.
Italia ’90, of course, will be remembered by most England fans for Gazza’s teenage tears and yet another loss of penalties to ze Germans.
But for me, someone who wasn’t born at the time and has had to watch my dad’s Italia ’90 VHS, it was this beautiful bombshell of German colours thrown onto a plain white Adidas tee that made it for me. Their green away strip was marvellous too, by the way.
Follow Tayler on Twitter, @TaylerWillson