With the news reporting that WWF/E's evil patriarch Vince McMahon might be keen to buy Newcastle United (not deterred by his previous experiences of investing in football, the American kind, which involved him nearly bankrupting the company) I thought to collate a list of players who could've made a brilliant football team were it not for the fact that they chose fake fighting in their pants over kicking a ball about in their shorts.
Kane is practically just Chris Kirkland if he'd been on the 'roids, only with a red and black plastic mask instead of Kirk's Make-A-Wish baseball cap. Reports that Kirkland has an undead and exponentially more talented half-brother are, as yet, unconfirmed.
Right-Back: Daniel Bryan
You don't see enough defenders with beards anymore plus Bryan is spritely and nasty in the tackle.
Centre-Back: Triple H
His legs are shot and he's got one hell of a nose on him, the man most famous for threatening people with a sledgehammer (but never actually really using it) would be a perfect John Terry-style centre-half who could be relied on to bail you out of trouble with a big tackle before snatching up your daughter for a Rohypnol-laden drive-through wedding.
I mean seriously - in his prime old Bill Goldberg was a monster. Nobody would fuck with him. Fast, strong and really really into yelling and stomping around, he's basically Kolo Toure back when Kolo was good. (I guess Goldberg's WWE stint could be his equivalent of Toure's own goals)
Left-Back: Chris Jericho
He's short with bad hair and plays the guitar. Yep. He's Leighton Baines.
Defensive-Midfield: Dean Malenko
The sensible choice. Squat and often boring, he'd pass the ball sidewards for hours (what's the wrestling equivalent of a six-yard lateral-pass? The arm-bar? Deano loved arm-bars) but could, when called upon, be relied on to snap the legs of whoever was in an immediate five-metre radius.
Central-Midfield: Randy Orton
Long, lean and consistent, he's got no-charisma but a bag load of titles, talent and a rubbish all-over cropped haircut. Vintage Gerrard.
Central-Midfield: The Rock
An arrogant liability equally inclined to flashes of brilliance and a poorly executed Boston Sharpshooter. Rocky flatters to deceive as he runs around, makes the crowd go wild before doing a double-backflip whenever he's tackled.
Wide-Right: Dolph Ziggler
A fan favourite in the mould of those tricky Italian wingers that only play for your side for one season and possess all the raw materials to become brilliant but never quite make it to the big time.
Wide-Left: Yoshihiro Tajiri
Fast, erratic and prone to spitting at people.
Centre-Forward: John Cena
The much-lamented Roy Of The Rovers style centre-forward. Just when it looks like it's all over, John will come out of nowhere with a bullish tackle and a thirty-yard dribbler of a shot that SOME HOW breaks the net in two, leaving the goal-keeper poleaxed. Sells a lot of t-shirts.
Manager: Jim Cornette.