Ageing squad? Fernando Torres being shipped out to Acton-Ealing Whistlers Under 15’s to get some goals under his best (but to no avail), the fact that striker David Luiz is playing in defence? Just what is the reason for Chelsea’s slump this season?
Well, let me tell you, it’s none of the above. The key reason why Roman Abramovich’s footballing henchman sit in 5th place with just 48pts, instead of, say, 60pts, is the sartorial choices of the man in charge – no not Roman – but Andre Villas Boas. During his tenure at FC Porto, when the 33-year-old became the youngest manager in history to land a major European trophy – Villas-Boas exuded class on the field and a real laid back elegance off it. During that UEFA Europa League campaign – which culminated in a one-nil defeat of rivals Braga in the final – Porto’s Hulk, Joao Moutinho and Radamel Falcao ripped sides apart with blistering attacking play, though there was always the suggestion that Villas-Boas knew it was going to happen, and had dressed accordingly. You’d look at the former Barcelona man in his superbly cut suit jacket and pressed white shirt and think: yes, that man knows how to defeat teams, just by pointing.
So where did it all go wrong? After being beckoned to Stamford Bridge, Andre appears lost his touch somewhat – and his stylistic errors are having serious consequences on the field. Sure his open shirt won’t suffice to stave off the harsh British weather, though Villas-Boas has it all wrong with the black-buckled conundrum he dons on most match-days. If I could think of an adequate joke about him looking like n coyly placed decoy in a magicians’ act then I would most certainly make it. Andre Villas-Boas is a handsome man, with the right amount of stubble to make him far-and-away the best manager in the Premier League, though the shape and cut of his favoured jacket is appallingly off and it’s making his head appear miniscule. So, what can he do about it? Well, here are five alternatives, currently on the market, that would see Andre shooting up the table, and the style lists.
The key reason why Roman Abramovich’s footballing henchman sit in 5th place with just 48pts is the sartorial choices of the man in charge – no not Roman – but Andre Villas Boas.
1. A.P.C’s Wax Mac Chasseur
Inspired by a certain outdoors brand – anyone? - This fine tailored Wax Mac with cord collar would give our Andre enough protection from the cold gusts sweeping across, say, the JJB stadium on a Wednesday evening, while also offering plenty in the style department, which we know he’s so fond of. We do know. A.P.C’s jacket is almost a classic reinterpretation, if such a thing exists, and Chelsea would benefit with approximately 2 more goals per game.
2. Folk’s Folded Purple Herringbone Jacket
“A purple Herringbone Jacket on the touchline, even though Rory Delap has just thrown one in and Peter Crouch has nodded it in!? And Andre’s wearing a purple Herringbone Jacket?”. Yes I hear the wails from the stands too, but don’t fear. Villas-Boas is a slight man, quite small in fact. The problem with his current Buckle-nightmare is that it’s too lengthy. Arsene Wenger is a tall man, and his padded jacket makes him look like a weird worm, so it’s never going to work for Andre. No, this double layered jacket with front pockets would get the manager back on track – the colour would work for him, and its casual design would provide a timeless reminder of how he dressed in Portugal. A major problem with his current selection is that he’s trying to do too much.
3. Heritage Research’s Tokyo Tailor Jacket
Ok, so this linen jacket would have to be reserved for warm summer afternoons in South-West London, though he could also use it for European trips abroad (no jokes). Heritage Research’s linen creation, based on the army down-time look, would allow Andre to wear black, which he seems keen on doing, while also offering a casual look that says: I don’t care about this result. 3-0 up against United: look at my jacket, I don’t care about his result. 3-0 down to Spurs: Look at my Heritage Research jacket, I have better things to worry about than football. A win-win.
We do know. A.P.C’s jacket is almost a classic reinterpretation, if such a thing exists, and Chelsea would benefit with approximately 2 more goals per game.
4. Heritage Research’s VC Jacket
Another one from the excellent Heritage Research – and it’s another light and airy number. Villas-Boas is best suited to slim fit jackets, that’s a given, and this is about as far away from his buckle-disaster as it gets. Remember when Andre’s Uncle Jose used to surprise everyone and wear that silvery-grey jacket? – well, this can be Villas-Boas’ own curveball. Go ahead Andre, pull it out for Super Sunday’s only, or Carling Cup games.
5. Norse Project’s Navy Elka Classic
Ok, ok, so this one is kind of in here just because I’d pay to see Andre Villas-Boas wear a Norse Projects’ Elka Classic – however, stay with me here – it could come in handy. Imagine, if you will, a cold evening kick-off with the rain belting down in London. Andre certainly doesn’t want to be opting for any of the above choices – nor his trusty bucklebuster – he needs a waterproof. With its draw-cord hood and plenty of pocket space to store away details of Malouda’s imminent half-time substitution, it’s must for Andre’s wardrobe. A classic design that emits a fetishist rubbery smell, it’s Andre. It’s just Andre.
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