1. A Trident
A trident was once a highly desirable item in Ancient Greece, made popular by Poseidon (pictured above), god of the ocean and brother of Zeus. Roman Goddess Britannia (of Rule Britannia fame) also carries one, making it a perfect accessory for this patriotic post-Jubilympic Royal baby era. Not just a fashion statement either, the trident is also great for hanging your trilby, lifting up skirts and spearing the last tin of Red Stripe in the offie.
2. A Kestrel Glove
Kestrel Gloves had a bit of a resurgence after that Craig David documentary, Bo’ Selecta in the mid 00s. Nowadays, they’re reclaiming the ‘English Lord’ vibe from the mid 1500s, and with the Black Death rearing its head again, it’s never been a better time to ‘think medieval’. Plastic stick-on birds are also pretty easy to come by if you want the whole effect.
3. A Tri-Corner Hat
The 'beanie perched on top of your head' look is so, so over. It always looked shit anyway. A/W13 calls for a new head accessory, think outside the box, go for the tri-cornered hat. Town crier was once a desirable occupation, and if Johnny Depp wears one in Pirates of the Caribbean then why can't you? Always order rum-based drinks when wearing this.
4. A Sceptre
The Queen has a sceptre, and she’s mysterious, regal and powerful, so why not get involved and channel some of this energy for yourself? Our advice would be to drape a silk cloth over your sceptre and only remove it at the optune moment, (wait until a gigantic crowd has gathered around you). They can be expensive however, so a curtain rail and a Burger King crown is a good substitute.
5. Inner Peace
A difficult one, this, but Buddha has been dining out on Inner Peace for 2,500 years. It is a hard look to pull off, but if you can master it, you’ll be happy as Larry and more importantly, you might even get a modelling contract.
6. A Plague Mask
Get ahead of the winter flu season and step up your tissue game with an authentic medieval plague mask. Complete with glass eyes and a spacious 'beak' to store herbs, change for the bus and all your favourite minidiscs. We'd recommend completing the look with a friend suffering from bubonic plague, a black leather wide-brimmed hat, and a whip for repenting sins. Don't buy second-hand.