Men: In Tights

Men have been wearing the same things for decades now, trousers? I mean, how old school are they? The modern man needs to get his legs into some tights (or not).
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Men have been wearing the same things for decades now, trousers? I mean, how old school are they? The modern man needs to get his legs into some tights (or not).

#450758658 / gettyimages.com

The internet is a weird and wonderful place, full of all sorts of shit you potentially never needed or wanted to see. I remember the first time I have saw tights-for-men like I remember where I was when I found out Princess Diana died, two very similar experiences I know. I was on Facebook (of course) not doing what I should be (doesn’t even really need that explanation does it, what else are people doing on Facebook?) when it popped up in my news feed. Tights for men? I thought, Tighttsssss for mennnn? Every word became elongated with my excitement.

I clicked through with all the ferocity of a person who likes to click things on the internet, you know the one, clicking and clicking even though to get to the link you only have to do it once. Swearing at the computer “Come the fuck on you stupid bastard I haven’t got all day” and then there it was. The jackpot. The website itself is uninviting, it looks like it was made on a 1980’s version of powerpoint all grey and powder blue and crap looking. The front page comprises a load of bullshit about how hosiery for men or ‘mantyhose’ as the cool kids call them is a booming industry. Funny that, as last time I picked up a copy of Vogue I don’t remember seeing David Gandy prancing around in a pair of fishnets. But whatevs (everyone’s saying it these days thought it was time to try it out) this site is internet gold.

The strapline is ‘because men have legs too’, well yes, congratulations you’re right there but there is absolutely nothing right about them putting those legs in tights, especially if their pictures are anything to go by. It’s sick, and not in the ‘man that’s cool’ sense of the word in the ‘Shit I could actually potentially be sick’ sense of the word. The problem is, kind of like a car crash, once you’ve started you just can’t stop looking. I mean they’ve covered everything (not in the literal sense of the word there are a lot of arses on this site) but in terms of the tights world they’ve got more pairs than you can shake a stick at, or leg for that matter.

Going on a first date and worried about your beer belly putting her off? Not to worry you can just slip on a pair of Light Support Tights. Feeling the chill in the winter? Get yourself a pair of opaques and with a range of different colours there’s something for every occasion – maybe you could even match them to your football shirt. The best thing about this site is the gusto with which they pedal this crap, every product comes with a description which sounds like it has been written by someone more enthusiastic than a pre-Simon Cowell put-down X Factor wannabe.

Obviously there is one major issue here (other than the fact that men don’t actually wear tights) what would a man wear his mantyhose with? You can’t very well slip them on under a pair of jeans, think of the friction. The answer is, of course, a kilt (obviously). What better way to show off your shapely calves in your new ‘footless open-crotch support tights’ (£5.99 in case you were wondering) than in the Scottish favourite. And TFM of LFM (legwear for men) - they can’t seem to make their mind on their actual name – has those too, don’t die of excitement now will you? And if that wasn’t enough, they’re apparently pretty bloody good; “I just received my Kilt. It fits perfectly!!!!!! Really, it's a very high quality Kilt! The pleats are falling exactly, aprons are not too small and not too wide! And it arrived before Christmas! :-))) Thanks for your great service and a merry Christmas to all at L4M and only the best for 2010!!! I'll be back!”  Nothing says satisfied shopper like 12 exclamation marks and a smiley face with not one but three mouths.

With Christmas coming up (In six months) you have just enough time to check out the site and put together your very own wishlist from what is sure to become every mans favourite fashion fix. Don’t worry, you don’t have to thank me for the recommendation.

For more from Olivia Foster click here.