They may not be white but they're still wrong
Now, buying underwear for us women is a massive thing, especially if we have a man to impress. We spend literally hours matching it to our purse, to our nail varnish, to your bedroom door handle, to whatever happens to be on television at the time, you name it, we’re matching it. You might like to think that we just spend hours aimlessly wondering around in figure hugging negligees, swanning in and out of La Senza with all the crotchless knickers we can possibly fit under our arms, but the reality is far less glamorous. Hours upon hours of our lives are spent finding the perfect bra, the knickers that will accentuate our curves (hide our love handles) in just the right way, the perfect colour to offset our pasty ‘I haven’t been on holiday for 6 months’ skin tone and for what? All for that crucial moment when you finally get to see us with our clothes off. The problem is it just doesn’t seem to be the same for men. We get excited too you know, but when we finally get down to it and we’ve struggled with the four buttons on your jeans (why are they so god damn hard to undo?) more often than not we are met with utter disappointment. I hate to say it guys but men’s pants matter, so, just for you I’ve put together a list of the ultimate offenders to help you get into the sack rather than being sacked off:
Now, I obviously never saw my Grandad in his boxers, that would just be weird, but, if I had, I really feel like he would have been wearing these. These pants are so bloody big they look like you could fly them up a flag pole and use them as a, well, flag. They’re like a cross between a pair of running shorts and a kilt, as for some reason they always seem to be tartan in pattern. They show absolutely bugger all other than your inability to dress yourself and the fact that they are so ridiculously huge only makes us think that you may be hiding something rather a lot smaller underneath.
The Holey Oldie:
Now, I have clothes that I wear at home and at home only; tracksuit bottoms, greying cardigans, sometimes a scrunchie in my hair (ok that’s a lie, I’m not sick) and the holey oldie is man’s equivalent of these items. We get it, you need some sort of comfortable old underwear to lounge around in, maybe watch the football with the boys whilst slobbing out with a pizza – I imagine men do this sometimes, I don’t know why – but wearing them on a date? That’s just suicide. Holes in your underwear symbolise to us that you are poor, you can’t afford new bottoms otherwise you wouldn’t be wearing these ones, and, if you can’t afford new pants darling, you certainly can’t afford us.
The Tightie Whitey:
So, we want to see the goods, that much has been established by the fact that we went home with you in the first place, but we definitely don’t want to see them constricted into some bandage like attire. Unless you have the physique of a model these are just a no go. When I think of these horrific offenders I always think of Cristiano Ronaldo, he’s always poncing around in boxers so small you could stick them on an envelope and call them a postage stamp. You may think he's great but I shall let you in on a little secret, the only people who really fancy that greased up slime ball are about 15 years of age, so, unless you’re looking to get yourself arrested, loosen up a little bit.
“Oh look there’s a pair of pants with Bart Simpson's face all over them, aren’t they just hilarious” Yes, yes they are, on the hanger. On you they look bloody ridiculous. At 13 it is perfectly acceptable for boys to wear these types of underwear because the only people who are likely to see them are your friends, who, will no doubt high five you for being down with the latest 'in' TV programme. At 23 however they become much less acceptable. You may think they’re cute, that they show your humorous side, that you’re a 'fun' type of guy, but we would much rather you just told us a knock-knock joke and be done with it. The only people that will ever tell you that novelty pants are ok are long term girlfriends and they are only doing it because they know that any potential competition they might face will be entirely turned off at even a glimpse of them.
If there is one thing that is worse than someone with bad underwear it’s someone that is not wearing any at all. For some reason women associate people who go commando with people who are dirty. Maybe it’s because we think that you couldn’t be bothered to actually wash your boxers so you just didn’t bother to put any on at all. When you’re getting down to business, the stripping of the under garments is a ritual we quite enjoy but when there’s nothing to get rid off the only thing you’re taking away is our pleasure, and let’s face it that is never a good thing. If you were Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt and had those funny little lines that so conveniently point to your manhood (what am I 50?) we wouldn’t mind so much as it would give us an extra opportunity to perve, but as most men, sadly, are not either of these two sex gods, it's probably better to wear at least something (just as long as it's not any of the above).
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