RELATED
Kids On Planes? Only If You Chloroform The Blanket
Screaming toddlers on planes are a public menace. If you must bring your precious offspring with you on flights at least have the common courtesy to chloroform the baby blanket.
As of today Malaysia is my top holiday destination. Why? Because the head honchos in their wisdom at Malaysia Airlines have created a baby-free first class section. Admittedly they stopped short of creating utopia (a child-free flight) but I am willing to fork out extra if it means not being disturbed on a long haul flight by someone else’s little angel.
I imagine that the message boards on mumsnet will soon go into meltdown as the bleeting classes bang on about human rights, discrimination, their bundle of joy visiting elderly relatives and all the usual crap spouted whenever the subject of children in transit is brought up. I must confess to having recently signed the passport photo of a friend’s baby, when it was 2 months old. I barely even clocked it as it was being swaddled by a maternity nurse who clearly modelled herself on Supernanny and had the wide-eyed (nay deranged) stare of Jo Frost that always makes me suspect that she is one step away from abducting said children. Not that this stopped me signing as I had arrived in the middle of a play date so was coming out in my usual pre-schoolers rash and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Consequently, this little Princess and her toddler brothers can now make their way to Paris on Eurostar and I can only apologise now (in absentia) for the poor sods also in their carriage. I once did likewise for my former boss as she wished to take her 3 month old to Mauritius, so I know that this is not an isolated incident. Basically the new mantra seems to be ‘have had child, will travel and f*ck my fellow passengers’.
From the commuter train to the jumbo jet, nowhere is out of bounds for tyrannical, barely civilised offspring and I am sick of spending my journey with my fingers in my ears or batting off an exuberant under-5 who thinks hitting me is a game. I don’t find it endearing when my reading is disturbed by someone’s toddler peering at me or offering me a sticky paw with a half-chewed sweet. I switch off when I travel as that’s how I like it. Even when I am with others, I adopt a stance of companionable silence as the best way to combat the stresses of check-ins, body searches and foreign public transport systems. That is my choice so I wish that parents would bloody respect that.
I’ve sat on many a plane cursing at the amount of respect offered to the folk who have bred.
Why is it that a child is no longer a single entity? Each one comes with baggage yet no-one has updated the transport to accommodate such paraphernalia. After all, a mother who has a seat for her, one for her child and an unfolded pushchair blocking the standing area is quite simply a selfish 3-seat hogging (for the price of one ticket) c*nt. She exists in South East London and has plenty of chums who also like their wee ones to stand on the seats so they can see out of the window. Children stand in dog sh*t with as much regularity as adults. Just because they are oft strapped into their 4×4 perambulator does not mean that they don’t run around once they are released from their shackles. I can’t abide adults sticking their filthy feet on the seat opposite any more than I can kids, so what example is their parent setting when they lift them on to the seat for a better view? Not that I should worry about it because I am unlikely to experience the softness of this seat, given that any spare ones are littered with nappy bags or one of those hideous kiddie-suitcases used to transport Tarquin’s toys.
I’ve sat on many a plane cursing at the amount of respect offered to the folk who have bred. There is a clear prejudice towards the barren and the independent travellers who see no need to make a confined space even less bearable by clogging it up with kids. Parents are offered priority boarding, seats at the emergency exit so the wee one can stretch its legs and lots of snacks to keep its mouth busy and delay the inevitable wailing. My husband would be most grateful to be afforded such special treatment but it appears that he doesn’t qualify and I must show patience in the queue, tell him to furl his long legs up and and carry my own bag of treats.
I don’t blame the kids. I was dragged to enough places as a child to know that they are simply bored, frustrated and tired when the shrieking begins. What I appear to have been blessed with though is a memory. If travel can be avoided why put yourself through this hell? Of course there will always be necessary journeys and for that parents ought to show fortitude, discipline and comprehension of the people around them, which isn’t too much to ask. Day nurse is pretty useful too, so I’m told. For all the rest is it too much to ask that you think before you travel? Babies experience pain when their ears pop on a plane. It’s negligent and self-centred to put them through this and is a good indication of where a parenting model is headed. Oh and to the woman in the row behind me on that flight to Aberdeen last year, who told me I would be more understanding if I had one of my own; have you met my mother? For all her faults she did at least perfect the art of dousing a baby blanket in chloroform.
Click here for more Travel stories
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook
If you like it, Pass it on
COMMENTS
Why do you continue to let this idiot write articles?
Decent point...but the picture undermines it a tad. Peekaboo!
Great article. thanks.
Funnily enough, I'm reading this in the BA Concorde Room at Heathrow. With my wife and 6 week old. We are traveling tonight for the first time with the baby. Yes, in first class. Yes, I'm sure it's not easy on others around if a child screams or is generally difficult. But children have to travel too - for holidays, for work, for repatriation, to visit relatives etc ad infinitum. Suggest that rather than moan away about something that is unlikely to affect you to any great degree on a very few occasions, you mature and learn to cope with what is one of life's tiny tribulations.
finally someone with some sense, once you start breeding you give up the right to travel until your little darlings are human beings
jonno- it was your choice to procreate. not wanting to be disturbed through a long flight has nothing to do with immaturity. just cos you love your kids doesnt mean I have to. im sure you would feel differently if i put a dog next to you for 8 hours and giggled and cooed as it annoyed you. learn to keep your kids occupied if youre forcing other people to be in their company.
more of this radical, original, cutting edge and satirical stuff please. kids being annoying on flights is brilliant, the insight and wit just jump off the page. it was a tricky balance to strike cos you could have come across as a smug twat like robin. oh, wait. whats up next from vicky - banning pensioners from post office queues! or, why everyone who is not exactly like me can just fuck off!
Well as my wife and I have moved to New Zealand (which is very child friendly) if we need to visit our elderly parents in Europe we don't have much choice but to fly. This is something we only envisage doing every 3 or 4 years at most, allowing for funerals. I also travel a bit for work and know how annoying it is to spend 27 hours on a flight with wailing children. Its something you endure as a non-parent before childom, and as a parent after, rarely through choice if you have any sense. I would also add that irresponsible parents who don't keep their kids under control (as much as is possible) are selfish gits but that is another topic entirely (cf. drunken businessmen and teenagers). If you never procreate you are a genetic dead-end that has no future influence on the planet so your opinion doesn't really count. See parents can make crass, unthinking, self-justifying comments as well! The reason you get better service from airlines as a parent as you are buying extra seats and generating future custom for the airlines. P.S. Dogs are disgusting and you should have a reasonable expectation not to travel with live-stock
Kids are a joy, if your tolerance levels are that low maybe you shouldn't fly? I'm guessing you're one of these delightful passengers who turns the ipod up just loud enough to annoy the shit out of the 6 nearest people and tips her seat right back just as the person behind is trying to eat.....Grow up and wise up.
I am not going to stop going to Europe just because I have a child. A lot of it is down to parenting and yes it does annoy me if the parent's are not putting in the necessary effort to entertain their kids. However, there are far more annoying adult passengers (perhaps like this narrow minded woman who has written this article) who can't blame their behaviour on their youth.
It always makes me chuckle when the "moms & dads" become defensive because some people choose not to coo over their offspring. The "moms" think they have done the world a unique favour by producing the said infant & the "dads" want us to know how manly they are. Predictable & so-o-o-o tedious.
you look like a horse.
Vicky is clearly one of those women who wears her inability to cook, her hatred of children and her general obnoxiousness as badges of honour, and then wonders why she gets treated like shit by a succession of boyfriends, all of whom will get slagged off by her when she's in the pub with her equally objectionable friends. Another walking cliche.
Some people have an urge to provoke. I am sure Ms. Priolo has a hard time ignoring background noise. She should work on herself instead of wasting our time.
You clearly have an issue with children - you were a kid yourself once! You too, would have struggled to sit quietly for an extended period of time - did you receive verbal abuse from others as a result or did they all accept that children behave differently to adults? Having read several of your 'articles', I conclude that you need to get out a little more and grow up a lot more!
If it keeps them out of pubs I'm all up for shoving them off abroad in planes!
Seriously people, what is wrong with you? This chick is paid to write for an online publication specialising in sensationalist/satirical blogs. Anyone who spends any time on any form of public transport is aware of the irritation of the ankle biters, some, ie. smokers on a transatlantic flight are going to be more irritable than others. However, if you cannot understand why it is that someone would be upset at having to listen to your pathetic attempts to quiet your child whilst trying to sleep/watch a movie/continue a conversation/live without a ear splitting wail, then maybe you aren't quite the "complete human" you claim to be. I'm sure if a teenaged hoodie sat next to your sleeping baby and proceeded to play music through his phone's speakers, you'd be aggrieved. But why is it that a child has more rights to irritate than a teen? they have parents too. I have family all over the world, many of them have children. many very young children. Some of this family do not care, they travel, they go out to eat, they are out there families who do everything together. However, if one of their children acts up, then they are taught in their own home BEFORE getting on a plane, that screaming just cause you want milk is not acceptable, no more than it is when you are in an enclosed public space. On the other hand, another branch of the family spent the first decade of their children's lives travelling their own country, understanding that a toddler will have no memory or appreciation of the long journey taken nor the destination. And when it got to time when they were able to understand that causing disturbances irritates others, because they've already taken their licks from a parent for doing just that. Now, to point fingers at the journalist and say things like thanks for wasting my time is just idiotic. No one forced you to read this article, no one forced you to visit this website, and no one forced you to get on that computer to do it. If you can't allow someone else their opinions then you should seriously consider changing the websites that you read. I think the tellytubbies have a blog now.
3 cheers for Vicky Priolo. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Good Bait Vicky; you have had some great bites. The Queen of F***ing Everything is spot on as well about parents who thunk they are raising the next cure for cancer instead instead of another burden on a overcrowded planet... But if having a kid some how helps you validate your existence then I suppose you should press ahead
Eggless wonder!
I like shoving my seat back on a kicking child and I ensure my ipod is loud enough to drown out annoying whining children. I don't care if it disturbs selfish parents. I also spill juice on anyone child or parent who imposes on my personal space. Procreation was your choice, not mine. Child free flights long overdue then you can all hop on family friendly flights and be smug together amongst the full nappies, screaming and other people's children. Hopefully it'll act as birth control.
You're so right Vicky. I too get incandescent with rage when children disturb my reading by peering at me. Horrible little cunts. Ramming a red hot poker in their eyes usually sorts them out so I can get back to my Hello magazine. Cheers!
... and of course, by the time I've settled back to my mag, I've then got to deal with the parent, bleating on about their kids eyes, like that's my problem. Shouldnt have brought them onto the train then should you? Luckily stabbing them in the neck a few times sorts them out but then of course its all noisy, what with all the screaming and crying - on top of loads of blood everywhere and the smell of burning flesh - so I usually have to change carriages at that point. People are so fuckin selfish arent they? Apart from you that. Your perfect.
it's easy to assume they didn't think enough before having to fly with their kids in tow. i'm sure in all of it you thought your trip was more important than theirs. why dont you take a large pill instead - or take the chloroform blanket and smother yourself til you're almost dead. obviously you're just a tad more mature than a two-year old certainly no more useful.
people saying people should stop having kids should not have been kids themselves - and should have just ended up on the sheets. just saying.
Having children is a mindless bodilt function. That's why so many idiots do it and think they've done something wonderful. It's all they can do. Learn to parent before imposing your shit on others.Or deal with the consequences.
@robin lee love your comparison between taking a fellow human being on a flight and a dug. Of course everyone else on the planet is annoying apart from me however I have never seen why people get so wound up about kids crying on planes, in church or during a heart/lung transplant. They're on kids - we're you never one? Were you like the little baby Jesus who no crying did make? There's worse things out there and a wean won't actually cry 'constantly' it could be 'frequently' or 'occasionally' but 'constant' nah. There are more annoying things out there. How about people who rustle or noisy eaters? Now if you had a dog that enjoyed a grab bag of crisps I'd be over the back of the seat and have you round the throat before you could say 'tazer'.
SABOTAGE
