The Alternative Guide To June, Part 1

Screaming sumo baby tennis, Turkish oiled wrestling, mummified corpse gazing: just a few wholesome activities that will be more fun than watching the Gorillaz this June.
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Screaming sumo baby tennis, Turkish oiled wrestling, mummified corpse gazing: just a few wholesome activities that will be more fun than watching the Gorillaz this June.

GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL - 22-26 June

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT:  A dreary horde of weekend hippies ringed by a 400 foot high iron fence. There can be no escape from this swarm of the feckless.

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?  The Public Museum Of Mummified Citizens, Guanajuato, Mexico  A never-ending corpse festival. If you’re dead in Guanajuato, you’ve got to pay rent for your grave. And we all know what happens if you fall behind on your rent – you get turfed out. For reasons unknown to boffins or beasts, a handful of evictees they dig up each year come out mummified, and rather than being chopped up or burned, these lucky stiffs get put on permanent display in this museum. So get yourself over there now and hang out with a bunch of dead fellas for a bit.

THE UNDER 21 EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS  - 11-26 June

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?  No idea. Never heard of it.

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?   The Kirkpinar Oiled Wrestling Festival, Erdine, Turkey Over a thousand burly geezers pitch up here in nothing but leather trousers and a coating of olive oil before grappling manfully in an attempt to pin each other into the dust. The winner takes on the next challenger in the queue and so on. The whole thing goes on for days on end so it’s best to turn up right at the end if you fancy winning a shiny cup. If you get bored, there’s also plenty of gypsies in the vicinity doing whatever it is that gypsies do nowadays. Lurking, probably.

WIMBLEDON - Starts 20 June

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?  Rain mostly. And people who know nought about sport sitting on a hill and cheering their red, white and blue faces off as Andy Murray disgraces us all in the quarter-finals.

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD? Konaki Sumo, Saikyoji Temple, Japan: Screaming baby tennis. Two rusk-suckers are made to sit facing one another while a temple priest howls and yells at them until one of them loses it. The first baby to cry is the winner as it is said that ‘a crying child will thrive’. Not like our school then. The Japanese believe that the bawling winner only does so because it is blessed by the gods. We only used to bawl because the fifth formers threw our shoes in the biology pond.

GOLF - THE U.S. OPEN, CONGRESSIONAL CLUB, Maryland - 15-19 June

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?  Everyone tips Tiger Woods to win by fifty shots until he hits a bad one, goes in the huff and fucks the whole thing up. Avuncular Fijian Vijay Singh’s the man. Look at his smile! Can we sit on your knee while you tell us a story Veej?

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?  The Drambuie World Ice Golf Championship, Uummannaq, Greenland   It’s minus 50, the course lies frozen atop the Arctic Ocean and there’s every chance a polar bear will run off with your luminous ball. If you asked Tiger to turn up he’d probably pretend to be deaf. For ‘The World Ice Golf Championship’, read ‘The Only Ice Golf Championship’. The 19th hole only sells soup and frostbite cream.

Check back tomorrow for more fun things to do this month.

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