The Alternative Guide To June, Part 2

Watching posh people, sorry we mean horses, at the polo, or, watching men race whilst carrying their wives on their backs, we know which one we would choose.
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Watching posh people, sorry we mean horses, at the polo, or, watching men race whilst carrying their wives on their backs, we know which one we would choose.

FATHERS DAY – June 21st

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?  A chance to give thanks and maybe share a drink with the man that made you the man you are. The nervous, twitching bundle of fear and paranoia that you are. Oi Dad, where were you when we were in the final of the school poetry contest and we needed you there to watch us? Eh Dad? Off fell-walking in the Dales with our ‘Uncle’ Frank!

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?  Lopburi Monkey Banquet, Thailand. Devote your time and energy to someone who really deserves it at this sumptuous banquet laid on once a year solely for the enjoyment of the local monkeys. Over 600 of the cheeky fuckers turn up and gorge on pop and snacks until their little belt buckles burst. There’s menus and napkins and they probably eat them as well. You can’t legislate for six hundred monkeys. You just can’t.

HENLEY REGATTA -  June 29th onwards

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?  Posh sexless wallies in blazers and boaters go punting down the Thames while their bored pasty-faced girlfriends look on blankly as they dream of being sodomised by petty criminals.

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?  Pirates in Paradise Festival, Key West, Florida. Ten days of buckling your swash, hijacking rival galleons and eating infected mice (we think). There’s open-air camping in the nearby woods, free love and fighting is encouraged and everyone gets a complimentary dagger on the way in and a tattoo on the way out. We might have embellished it a bit – in fact it’s just a weak tourist-fleecing jamboree for the type of twats who go to work with cartoon characters on their ties.

INTERNATIONAL MEN’S HEALTH WEEK - 13th-19th June

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN? Stop smoking. Eat your greens. Put that heroin down. Check your knackers for lumps. .

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?   Pukul Sapu, Mamala & Morella, Indonesia  A week after the end of Ramadan, the menfolk of two villages in Bali beat each other furiously across their backs with broomsticks. But there’s no harm done because they then douse their wounds with a coconut oil said to have supernatural powers. It’s not gay, it’s character-building. Got that?

TROOPING THE COLOUR 11th June

WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?  Bewildered royalists and confused tourists gather round and watch the Queen trotting about on a horse as she inspects some soldiers. Someone tried to shoot Her Maj here one year, but used a starting pistol that only fired blanks. Tit.

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?  World Wife Carrying Championships, Sonkajärvi, Finland. Hailing from 200 years ago when a local gangster used to steal women from neighbouring villages, wives (real and common-law) get on their bloke’s back and hang on as the mister tears across the 250 metre obstacle course complete with water jump. You’d think a light wife would be a bonus but not so as the prize is your other-half’s weight in beer. And there’s a minimum age and weight rule so bulimics and paedos need not apply.

ROYAL ASCOT 14th-18th June

WHAT’S ALL THAT ABOUT?  The swankiest and wankiest event in the racing calendar. Fill your face with champagne and pickled swan’s eyes, and if it’s windy you might nab yourself a hat shaped like a peacock’s arsehole. There may be some horse racing at some point.

WHAT SHOULD I DO INSTEAD?  Man v Horse Marathon, Llanwrytd Wells, Mid Wales. Man’s greatest folly – the undying belief that he can outrun a horse. Like the Olympic Games and the Eurovision Song Contest, this event was born out of a drunken boast. In time it grew and now covers a twenty-two mile uphill course over farms and woodland. Ever seen a laughing horse? Hang around near the finish line here and you soon will as no man has ever won. The man – surely nature’s worst mistake.

For more travel click here.

For part one of Alternative June and more from Andy Dawson click here.