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The Very Lonely Planet Guide To Scunthorpe
Heard the one about why birds fly upside down over Sunny Scunny?
Have you ever visited the ‘Industrial Garden Town of the North East’ recently? I have, I was born there and have been going back and forth to see the parents ever since I left, aged 19. Nestled near the river Humber, wedged between Doncaster and Hull & Grimsby, Scunthorpe is renowned for being ‘a bit shit’.
A few things you might not know: At my secondary school, we couldn’t search the name of the town we lived in because it’s the only place name in Britain to contain the word ‘cunt’. Seems about right. Scunthorpe is also the country’s largest ‘steel processing centre’ and has the highest ratio of pound shops to population of anywhere in the world (this is highly probable). Education-wise Scunthorpe does have the brilliant John Leggott College (fantastic, honest). My mate once fingered the principal’s daughter.
Anyway, if, for some reason you’ve stepped off the train at Doncaster and found yourself stuck on the train to Scunny (presumably by helping a 12 year-old with her pram and not getting off the train in time) you’ll need to know where to go and what to do. Well, you’re reading the right thing.
Basics
Scunthorpe is known for more than just steel, Scunthorpe United (The Iron) and Skint, yes, indeed. Keadby Bridge (or King George V Bridge as Wikipedia informs me) was one of the first electrically powered bascule bridges in Britain and was at one time the largest of its type in Europe. Spanning the Trent between Gunness and Keadby, the bridge is equipped to deal with both cars AND trains. Opened in 1916, it’s since been painted green.
Getting there
Scunthorpe is accessible via conventional roads, but perhaps the most effective way of ending up in Scunthorpe is to let your soul sink into a pit of self despair. At the very moment when you’re ready to give up hope, you’ll find yourself in Scunthorpe. (Scunthorpe is not just a state of mind, it’s also accessible via the M181).
What to see
Normanby Hall is without a doubt the best thing for 50 miles of Scunthorpe. Once home to the Earl of Sheffield, this huge country house is now open to the public. Have a gander round the Victorian walled garden or experience what life used to be like for a Victorian school child. However, if you enjoy fun, you can go and clamber over the famous ‘climbing tree’, climb up on the giant metal sculptures hidden in the woods or search out the pet graveyard (don’t climb on this). In all honesty, the playground isn’t as good since they changed it in ’05, but there are still kicks to be had on the spinny-round seat thing.
Cleethorpes
If my dad’s driving, this is an hour down the M180. If anyone else is driving, it’s a half an hour jaunt to the area’s finest* seaside resort. Once there, you can enjoy searching for a parking space before having a go on the 2p machines (sadly the number of shooting games seems to be on the decline, with only Time Crisis 3 available at a quid a pop, but fuck that). If you’re feeling really adventurous you can trek out to the sea, which is usually about a mile out. Also, check out Pleasure Island, for the area’s best (and only) rollercoasters.
*Just put a bit more petrol in the car and go a bit further north to Bridlington, honestly.
More…
Where to stay
Where to stay, where to stay indeed. There’s a Travelodge by the motorway. There’s also a KFC nearby. I used to work there and when we ran out of the Colonel’s special herbs and spices we just used plain flour from Tescos. Also near by is Glanford Park, home to Scunthorpe United and a top notch Sunday morning car boot sale where you can get every series of Top Gear on VHS for 26p and an 80s He-man figure with one arm.
Other places to stay include The Royal Hotel. I’ve never been there because I lived just down the road, so what would be the point? However, it is next to Sainsbury’s and they’ve just had an extension done. It’s also across the road from the Bath’s Hall, which honestly does look really good since they’ve sunk some money into it. Recently Jimmy Carr and Bill Bailey performed there. Sadly, Wheatus cancelled.
Where to eat
Ok, now we’re talking. Head up Doncaster Road towards town and stop before you reach the high street. Right. Opposite The Royal you’ve got Megna Indian restaurant, where the Queen was once forced to eat. The scran in here is top banana and very reasonable, so check it out.
Next up is Bellini’s, a top notch Italian just around the corner from Megna (opposite Weatherspoons). The fare in here is top quality, especially the pizzas.
Thirdly, if you’re a big spender and want to show off that even though you live in Scunthorpe you do have lots of money and you could definitely leave if you wanted to, why not head to San Pietros? This is a restaurant inside a windmill! The food is great and the menus includes things like roasted garlic and rabbit dumplings. I’ve only been once (because I’m a povo) but I seem to remember it being fairly reasonably priced too. Sadly, the menu is in foreign.
Finally, there’s a Mr Chips on the high street where (if you’re drunk and insistent enough) you can get fish, chips, peas AND a large sausage for £4!
Shopping
HMV has gone, (R.I.P) but there is a wonderful plethora of card shops, charity shops and pound shops. Also, banks, a lot of banks, for some reason. There’s also a lovely W H Smith’s where I buy all my scratchcards.
When to go
There’s never really an optimum time to be in Scunthorpe. Why not go during winter when it’s late night shopping on a Thursday and Costa is open until 8?
Arts & Culture
Pass.
Nightlife
Oh Jesus. The nightlife in Scunthorpe is WKD blue and sugary sweet. Start off in Mary Rose and have lots of Jager Bombs and something called ‘agua’ (No, this isn’t water- I don’t have a fucking clue what it is). Then go to The Light, but don’t be so foolish as to ask them to play Kanye West’s new album the week it has just come out as the bouncers will come and kick your teeth down your gullet.
If The Light isn’t doing it for you, head to Time (or Henrys, or Love, or Henrys, they keep changing the name). Last time I was there it was floor to ceiling carpet, like the chest of an 80s footballer.
Last but not least is Class Six. My mate Mick got told off for taking his top off and rubbing it all over his face in there.
Remember, when on a night out, don’t wear anything you can’t buy in Scunthorpe and don’t smile.
Don’t forget
That you don’t really want to go to Scunthorpe.
If you like it, Pass it on
COMMENTS
This could be about any town in the UK. 12 year old with a pram....blah blah...poundshops......WKD......same old crap
I wish I lived somewhere that shitty. Very funny.
Lol god its not that bad...ive seen worse... Isn't grimsby a lot worse?...Scunny is funny so if for nothing else the comedic value Yeh some bits are shit and there isnt a lot to do...and most people that live here would wish they didnt but then alot of people loadsa places would think the same about other towns. Althou I did find it funny and some things are pretty true to scunthorpe lol..but i find if you restrict yourself to only the good parts you forget alittle about the bad. so STAY IN YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER WALK ALONE lol. im kidding ...but no i dont lol
surely under shopping you should have put PRIMARK as this is where everyone in town has purchased their outfit for there day to day life.
A pass on Arts and Culture? I'll have you know that ,much to my pleasant surprise, we have John Cooper Clarke and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra performing within 2 days of one an other! Mind you, I'm fairly certain I shall be the only person in attendance.....such is Scunthorpe x
I went to school in Scunny (yes, John Leggott, I thought it was shite). Got some great live bands in the 70's though! I saw Edgar Broughton, Be Bop Deluxe, Babe Ruth and even Suzi Quattro (Scunthorpe Baths 1975) My brother was made redundant from the steelworks in 1979. I haven't been back since my dad's inquest in 1987. Shithole.
Shame its factually inaccurate about Normanby hall, and as for passing on arts and culture, haven't you heard of the Plowright theatre and 20-21?
I think you could have left out the remark about your friend's digital examination of the headmaster's daughter, what with having named him. A bit uncalled for, that.
The writer of this nonsence is a man - is it not? Well who ever it was, I say shame on you for painting such a grim picture of our wonderful town. I wouldn't want to live anywher else in the world. And that, I say in all honesty and with my hand on my heart <3
I left after uni and going back is now a treat for me like a trip to the zoo. I love to tell my none scunthorpe friends the tales about the people and the places, and then have my scunny friends validate them because most are unbeleivable. A lot of them being little stoner anecdotes or grim tales of the bloodbaths in town on a sunday night. for anyone that doesnt know what its like they can have a small insight by joining the "stuff 4 sale in scunthorpe" group on FB. Its like a shitty ebay newspaper. brilliant.
True say! Good article Ward!
I am not from Scunthorpe but have visited and found that the North Lincs museum up on the top road is great! Also great art in the little church that has been converted down past the Market!
Real speak Sam Watson. Ashley, good comment.
What about 2021?
@john. Similar to my own experience, except I saw different bands in the 80s: Chumbawamba, the Membranes and .... erm... The Boomtown Rats. John Peel Roadshow used to visit The Baths Hall frequently and he considered it one of his favourite gigs. Anyway, I digress. I just wanted to check: When you say "shithole", I assume you're referring to Scunny, and not your deceased father?
'Shithole' is definitely a place related adjective, and Scunny is definitely a shithole. 'Shit' would be a first person singular epithetic adjective, and, well, for all his faults, he was not a shit....he was lovely. Why do you care?
Tom, honestly this is utter drivel, full of slap dash comments and ridiculous opinions. Few facts. Are you really this insecure about where you come from? You insist in plugging every single bad point about the town but ignore the good. No art and culture? Whilst it is not the cultural hub of London it still has plenty to offer. The Plowright and Baths Hall are both great venues and there are countless big acts that play them now and over the years. Aside from the Light there are plenty of pubs that you can go to on a weekend... But of course you neglect to mention this. In fact you don’t mention any good points at all and there are many…. The town is full of people who are happy to be there remember this. Writing a tourist review on a industrial town is nonsense? Of course there are not going to be lots of attractions to appeal to bus loads of American tourist wanting a slice of historic England. Get REAL and be proud of where you come from. You are most certainly not bigger than it. Any bad press that it gets are from ignorant, deluded individuals such as yourself ; whose soul is clearly dark and empty and have sunken into self pity and despair... I will give you my opinion on this article as a professional journalist - take note. Aside from disagreeing with your negative views - your writing is terrible and lazy. It appear that you wrote this in half an hour, possibly still drunk from the night before. I expect you will never write for anything bigger than a tin pot website like the Sabotage Times. Scunthorpe should be ashamed of you.
Cheers Brendan!
pretty accurate description if you ask me!.. good food in 20.21 and the Majestic used to be a good cinema. Don't think you're right about the trip to Cleethorpes though... I can drive faster than that!
I completely agree, Tom. I'm from the village of Crowle about 10 miles from Scunthorpe and 15 miles from Doncaster but if anyone asks, I tell them i'm from Donny! Our town is SUCH a shithole that i'd do anything to get out! Even though it's a shithole, its OUR shithole... We have the likes of Cedric who every Scunthonian knows and we bare tales of mischievous nights in Henry Africas and Britannia. I'm sure we have the cheapest prostitutes in the UK which can be found on West Street and Britannia Corner!
SABOTAGE
