It must be hard being a female police officer. First off, no one really knows what to call them. Are they WPC? Or just normal PC? Secondly, unlike their male counterparts, they can’t eat doughnuts and sit on their arses all day taking part in some rather shady dealings with members of Parliament.Compared to any other career, except ones that are solely based on your appearance like TV presenter, model and prostitute, being a female police officer really depends on how you look. Thirdly, you’re never going to be better than Helen Mirren; in respects to being a DCI or at being The Queen.
Luckily there are some more achievable role models that women can hope to emulate in the police force; sexier, edgier women who can fit in any situation that requires them to, and more often than you’d think, tiny hotpants.
Alex Drake (Ashes To Ashes)
The first time that we saw Alex Drake she was getting shot right in the face by an ugly looking perp. Not ugly in a Judge Dredd/Angel Gang sort of way, but in an appropriate way for BBC primetime. For anyone else getting a bullet lodged in your brain would be the end of the story. You’d be almost 100% dead. Not Alex Drake. Alex Drake is so brilliant that being shot takes her back to the 1980s. Much in the way that Marty McFly is brilliant because his car takes him back to the 1980s. But not in the way that Masters In The Universe takes Dolph Lungren to Courteney Cox’s massive hair.
While in the 80s, Alex resolves some forgotten childhood and brings to close the greatest mystery of all; who was Gene Hunt, and how did he get away with being a role model for Angry, Old Men for years? We won’t spoil it for you, just know that it doesn’t really make much sense and will make you wonder why Philip Glenister is still playing the same character years after the series has finished.
That said, Alex Drake isn’t sexy because Philip Glenister is archaic and a little bit racist, it’s because she’s essentially a young, more vibrant version of Joan Collins. She’s affluent, cultured and probably knows the right way around a bottle of wine. She’s nice enough to take home to meet your family and make them seethe that she knows the correct way of saying gilet while they’re quietly farting while they watch Only Fools and Horses.
Jessica Fletcher (Murder, She Wrote)
Now hold on a minute before you start claiming that we’re secret Granny porn enthusiasts. We are, but that isn’t why we chose Jessica Fletcher in our list. Although she is reaching the twilight of her years now, she wasn’t always the sanctimonious old bat that she seems to be now. Instead, think of this: how does she know all of the people who keep getting bumped off around her? In years gone past, Jessica Fletcher was the life and soul of every party that she went to. Ultimately those parties would turn into wakes, but that was years away and no one cared because there was cocaine to do off Jessica Fletcher’s stomach. Jessica Fletcher seems like the type of girl who you perhaps wouldn’t take home to meet your mother, but your father would still approve. We’ve all been with a Jessica Fletcher type of girl. They’re just as interested in no holds barred fun as you are.
Plus, come Christmas, you’ll be getting presents from her legion of family members. The ones that are alive at any rate.
Grace Hart (Miss Congeniality)
Grace ‘Gracey’ Hart might sound like an aging 20s actor who didn’t make the transition into the talkies and fell into a life of prostitution and fast dancing, but in actual fact she’s more like a ladette than anything else. You’ll remember that a ladette was the 90s way of saying ‘female lager lout’ but without having to worry about brewer’s droop every Saturday. All of the excessive drinking and mindless sex was still there. If you think of Norm from Cheers (Norm!) and put some boobs on her, that’s where we start with Gracey Hart.
If you want to go out with someone who acts like they should have a penis but doesn’t, and don’t want to go down the Roxanne route, then ladies like Gracey Hart are the way forward for you. She’ll fart better than you, she’ll drink more beer than you, and she’ll generally be better at being a ‘man’ than you. So if you don’t mind a bit of emasculation, then get on board.
What makes Gracey Hart better than Dani Behr and Zoe Ball is that she got a Robocop makeover at the expense of a camp and testy Michael Caine. He taught her to be a proper lady, with proper manners, proper posture and proper sanitary devices. And in true Hollywood style, Gracey couldn’t be a proper lady, so she still stayed true to herself and became a slightly more polite version than the one who could tell the time by how much stubble her moustache grew.
She’ll still drink you under the table, but she’ll be able to carry six books on her head at the same time. That’s talent.
DI Marsden (Eastenders)
DCI Jill Marsden might not seem like an appropriate choice to feature in a Sexiest Police Women list, but look at the facts: she hates Phil Mitchell, just like you. She clearly hates life, just like you. She understands the importance of treating curly hair with the respect it deserves, just like you. She knows that when the chips are down, and life really kicks you squarely in your scrotum seam, you can always befriend the son of your arch-nemesis to hopefully provide enough evidence to put him behind bars and give the past two decades of your life some sort of menial purpose. Just like you. Also, she’s clearly so incompetent at her job that there’s no way that she would be promoted, so she’ll never make you feel like she’s making more money than you. Men hate that, right?
Madison Lee/Natalie Cook/Dylan Sanders/Alex Munday (Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle)
To be quite honest, any of the Charlie’s Angels from Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle could be the sexiest police woman. Technically, they’re as much police women as I am Margaret Thatcher’s catheter, but they fight crime for a shadowy boss who has a tortured past, so it’s just like working for the Met really.
Each Angel is their own paragon of beauty, but it’s the villain of the film (spoilers from 2008, sorry!) Madison Lee who outstrips the other three. As gifted physically as she is absolute Katona-level crazy, Lee takes her revenge on Charlie by concocting some hairbrained scheme that results in the Angels facing their biggest challenge yet; Justin Theroux’ Irish accent. It’s lucky that he’s got the face of someone sculpting angels into flesh because I don’t think Jennifer Aniston can take much more heartbreak.
They’re each as beautiful as the last one is a feisty and ideological attempt at feminism, while still being attractive enough to not let that put men off them. Obviously, in our day and age being a feminist is great, and is definitely the best way to sell your new sitcom to HBO, but back in the 70s, being a feminist only led people to think two things: you’re not wearing a bra because you’ve already burned it, and that eventually you’ll settle down with a good man who’s got a good job and finally start being a good girl. None of the Angels seemed to represent this sort of woman, and that’s what sets them aside from other 70s cops like Cagney and Lacey; they were incredibly unattainable.
No matter how hard you try to seduce them with your beer breath and really terrible jokes about Pakistanis, they will never, ever, ever, go out with you. Also because they’re fictional.