Ben Affleck is the new Batman and it’s fair to say that very few people are up for holding themed street parties about it (I asked around). It’s not that he’s the worst choice ever - that’s a toss-up between Gerard Butler and a big sandwich - it’s just that there are definitely five things that would be a lot better than him being cast as the new Batman. For example:
1. Ben Affleck directing anyone else as Batman.
It’s not that he’s a terrible actor – Affleck does well in Changing Lanes, we all enjoyed The Town and he is definitely spotted acting in Good Will Hunting (great film). However, despite the obvious carcrash of Daredevil, I still can’t get over that bit in Gigli where Jennifer Lopez tries to get him to go down on her by saying “it’s turkey time” and asking him to “gobble gobble”. Whether it’s Nolan, Burton or my estranged Aunt Sally directing Batman, there has to be some degree of grit. Some pain behind the eyes. Some darkness. This is rarely found in a man who looks like a Hollywood hunk “in a meat-eating sort of way” (thanks Rotten Tomatoes). Look, when all’s said and done, we know Affleck is a class director and a hit and miss actor, so doing anything other than putting him behind the camera seems like suitcases of mental. Incidentally, Aunt Sally, if you’re reading this please get in touch because we’re all worried.
2. These people (delete where applicable)
Idris Elba (Gritty Batman!), Arnie Hammer (Cherubic Batman!), David Boreanaz (Broody Breakthrough Into Mainstream Hollywood Success Batman!), Alexander Skaarsgard (Dashing Yet Tortured Swedish-Looking Batman!), Josh Brolin (Is That Tommy-Lee-Jones No It’s Not! Batman!) Andrew Lincoln (Why The F Not Batman!), Michael Fassbender (Omg Come On Guys This Would Be Incredi-Batman!), Jim Caviezel (Underrated Actor Batman!), Benedict Cumberbatch (Really?! No Wait He’d Actually Do A Great Job Batman!) Joe Manganiello (True Blood More Like True Batman!) Whoopi Goldberg (I Like Her In Ghost Batman!)
3. The inevitable PearlHarbour – Batman mashup that’s going to hit You Tube and go viral, if it hasn’t already.
I keep Googling it every three seconds in case I’m behind the times and the creators have already got a film deal. On the other hand, if nobody does it then that’ll mean I’ll have to make one, which will be disappointing because I can’t make videos. Someone had better get on that shit pronto.
4. Any of the suggestions included in the #BetterBatmanThanBenAfflect hashtag.
Specifically this guy dressed in bin bags:
5. Not rebooting Batman.
Not only did Nolan nail it, but there’s also been about twelve thousand Batmans since Michael Keaton tried to bone Kim Basinger. Has everyone in Hollywood forgotten how to come up with cool new ideas? Are we going to remake Inception next year, with Freddie Prinze Jr in the lead role? Even die-hard comic book geeks have to admit that this superhero situation is getting tired. And boring. Also, can we talk again about how hard Nolan nailed it? Considering The Dark Knight Rises, which was the weakest in the trilogy, gleefully craps all over all the previous efforts bar the original (Oh hi Batman Forever, loving the nipples), surely we should be done with the caped crusader for at least twenty years.