A Surrealist Blaggers Guide To The British Comedy Awards

Will Ricky Gervais behave like a dick? Will anyone recognise Charlie Brooker as a comic? And will Miranda make anyone laugh, ever? Read on to find out...
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Will Ricky Gervais behave like a dick? Will anyone recognise Charlie Brooker as a comic? And will Miranda make anyone laugh, ever? Read on to find out...

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Like a shouting policeman manoeuvring you away from a roadside disaster, the British Comedy Awards have arrived just in time to distract everyone from the bad year we’ve had. Think about it. Loads of people have died, the incorrect person won every single reality show on television, no one has a job anymore. It’s been shit. But fuck it, let’s honour some clowns. Here are a few things that may or may not happen.

Jonathan Ross will host the thing

Goes without saying. Although now it’s been said, soooo...

A really bad panel show will win something

There are four panel shows up for the Best Panel Show chunk of laminated plastic – Celebrity Juice, Have I Got News For You, Shooting Stars, Would I Lie To You. Notice that none of them are Mock the Week, or Never Mind the Buzzcocks. It’s going to be like an awards show reimagining of Sophie’s Choice. Only in this case Sophie would really like to be alone actually. If anything, the kids have been holding her back.

Miranda will be hailed as QUEEN OF FUNNY

Oh my God, have you seen Miranda? Really? What’s it like? The word on the street is that she’s gigantic and posh and falls over a lot. She’s been lumped into the “Funniest Woman” category alongside Rose West, Moira Stewart, Tulisa Contostavios, and an old lady in a hospital bed. This one’s in the bag! She’d be wise to clear a space on the mantelpiece, but she’d only FALL OVER doing it! (first finish laughing, then read on)

No one will acknowledge Charlie Brooker as a “comic”

Is Charlie Brooker really a “comic”? He’s been nominated in the Best Male Comic category? When did this transition happen? Was it when he did those rants including the word “dystopia” in them on the 10 O’Clock Show? Is “dystopia” even a thing? Either way, chances are he’ll miss out to someone who is actually a comic and not predominantly a writer like Stewart Lee, who likes to repeat his jokes over and over again. Or Harry Hill - who practices a similarly arch art, but less sarcastically.

Yeah, that’s what happens when awards shows finish, and it’s time for bed. You do some light drugs, bang a groupie, then go home.

Jack Whitehall will have some glory rained down upon him

Jack Whitehall is in the grips of a classic celebrity manoeuvre, known in the biz as “the reverse Ricky Gervais” – it’s simple, you start life as a bearded twat, then slowly begin to win people over, before eventually everyone adores you and thinks you’re the hero of British comedy. He’s been a revelation in Fresh Meat. Good for him. On the downside, he might lose out in Best Comedy Actor to Hugh Bonneville – presumably for his role as a hysterical butler in Downton Abbey.

Ricky Gervais will behave like a dick

No nomination for Life’s Too Short – otherwise known as Shit Sandwich - even though Gervais took time from his twatting on Twitter schedule to explain that mocking tiny little people isn’t actually racist if you’ve got a dwarf in the lead role mocking himself. Thanks for the heads up, Gervais. More comedy show writers should do that. Oh, and he had tonnes of really famous people in it. Like Johnny Depp and Right Said Fred. Ha! Right Said Fred! Good one Ricky. We have a niggling feeling that he’ll somehow grab an opportunity to further endear himself to the people who Sky Plus programmes about driving.

A piss poor sketch show will win

With the possible exception of Snuff Box, there hasn’t been a decent sketch show on television for decades. Apologies to The One Ronnie, Come Fly With Me, the other two, and any number of student seven-piece improv groups called Vibegeist or Pheasant Pluckers or simply FUCK.

Channel 4 will have a decent night

Misfits (E4), Fresh Meat, Peep Show, Friday Night Dinner – all stand a decent chance of enjoying a moment of glory. The waters are considerably more choppy for the BBC, who face the potential cock punch of having a show which they have already axed getting an exaggerated comedy thumbs up – ooof!

Everyone will go home

Yeah, that’s what happens when awards shows finish, and it’s time for bed. You do some light drugs, bang a groupie, then go home.

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