An Open Letter To Geordie Shore One Night Stand Girls

I just don't understand the 30 seconds of on screen bunny shagging these Geordie Shore groupies seem to be so attracted to...
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I just don't understand the 30 seconds of on screen bunny shagging these Geordie Shore groupies seem to be so attracted to...

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Somebody could offer me all the well reasoned arguments in the world for why I should withdraw my support for the likes of Geordie Shore and pull the plug on my weekly viewing but, short of the discovery that the compelling viewing is the consequence of a modern Josef Mengele 'masterpiece', in which the unwitting participant's unruly behaviour can be explained by a deliberate and sadistic destruction of the frontal lobes, I will refuse to relinquish my habit.

The cast come under a lot of flack but I can understand their motivation for behaving like a bunch of nobheads. As far as they're concerned they are achieving their disillusioned ideas of fame. And I, for one, am very understanding; I appreciate that for the IQ impaired dignity and self-respect are a small price to pay for such a gift.

However, I don't understand the motivation for your thirty second stints amidst the dirty sheets of our Geordie Shore lads and here are just three reasons why:

1. The Geordie Shore men are wholly unappealing

I always think you can judge how big of a nobhead a male is by the neck line of his t-shirt. The nipple skimmers favoured by the self proclaimed 'dream team' scream obtrusively "Check out my steroid enhanced badboys! Have a stroke, you know you want to". However ownership of such an articulate chest does not make up for a feeble mind and, equipped with the knowledge that steroids cause sexual dysfunction, among a host of other nasty side effects, I can categorically state that No I absolutely do not want to. Please put a jumper back on you peacock.

The single defining characteristic of these men is a series of monumental egos, rendering them closer to animated sex dolls than serious people whose thoughts extend beyond tequila and tits. They look pretty flawless, (attractive in only so much as a guy might find Jessica rabbit appealing), and they're equipped with all the right parts, judging by the parsnip metaphor, but they are hollow superficial imitations of men whose one lifelong pursuit involves the insertion of their herpes riddled willies into a mass of strangely receptive floozies. (Perhaps that's slightly unfair...)

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Although I find it strange that all of you are determined to choose such uninviting males for your fleeting liaisons I'm not criticising - beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all of that - but I am concerned that your poor life choices are having an impact on the rest of us. As you all fall over yourselves in an eager bid to lick the hairless ball sacs of the Geordie Shore sex dolls in a very public way, real men are understandably but unnecessarily questioning whether the defining features of the male sex suddenly shifted when they were down the pub. They are left contemplating whether it's really time to down tools, swap the Carlsberg for a protein shake, poker for yoga and perhaps they're even tentatively eyeing up the fake tan. You have to take some responsibility for this, If your antics transform all blokes into metrosexuals we are going to have problems sugar.

2. You're on TV

Obviously unfazed by previous encounters with the 'walk of shame' you ladies have raised the bar. I would of thought the fact that a whole nation could potentially be watching you is reason in itself to refrain from having sex. Either I'm very old fashioned or the cast is very lucky that you are one of many budding porn stars they bump into on a nightly basis. I guess that would probably explain why good old vanilla boy on girl action is the rarity superseded by the more adventurous threesome. Your participation in these triads has also played a key role in improving the efficiency of sex. Using this time economical approach to intercourse it might even be possible for Gary to exceed his own ambitions relating to the dispersion of his seed - the phrase two birds with one stone has garnered a whole new meaning. So congratulations on your TV debut girls, and not only entertaining us all with your fellatio finesse but assisting deserving young men in the achievement of their lifelong goals.

3. The Geordie Shore men are lacking in humour

Maybe you let the misdirected image issues and the fact that you're engaging in intimate acts for entertainment slide because these blokes do really have absolutely cracking personalities. They just laugh you all the way into the sack. It happens.
Just not with these boys.

I know they claim to have good banter, infact when they aren't talking about banging birds, you can normally bet they're laughing about what good banter they do have. Problem is I've never been party to it and I'm a pretty obsessive viewer.
I can sit here and insist that I'm the spit of Christina Hendricks till I'm blue in the face but that doesn't make it true and it would only takes five seconds in my flat- chested spindly legged presence before I would be called up on the wishful claim. This would save us all the embarrassment before lusty men start eagerly tumbling into my bed only to be disappointed by the removal of my very modest bra. Equally I'd hope that you'd realise sooner rather than later that if a bloke flashes you a toothy grin but continues to let his pectorals do the talking it's a pretty good indicator that you would probably find better banter in a hospice. Despite his insistences otherwise.

But boys if you really are laughing these girls into the sack, stop being coy and share your wit with the world. At least a bit of wit would give me some justification for tuning in every week.