Apprentice 2010: Week 10 (as seen by Josh Burt)

Lord Vader pits a lazy looking Abba tribute band against a really posh version of N-Dubz in a bid to find his next overpaid lackey.
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Lord Vader pits a lazy looking Abba tribute band against a really posh version of N-Dubz in a bid to find his next overpaid lackey.

And so it began with Jamie jogging to the phone, whilst Chris smeared giant handfuls of Radox into his crotch, and Stuart sat on his bed, his shirt and tie in place before he had even bothered looking for his underpants. This is the kind of “outside the box” autistic business behaviour that really toasts Lord Vader’s onions. In a good way.

“Your task this week,” bellowed Lord Vader, standing at a bus stop, “is to show people the fucking sights!”

Nick scowled, Karen thought about shoes. Nick scowled again. Karen scowled, whilst secretly thinking about shoes.

Vader then muddled the teams up a bit because he was bored, leaving Stuart, Stella and Liz looking like a lazy Abba tribute band, and Joanna, Jamie and Chris like a really posh version of N-Dubz.

This one was going to be intense, so Jamie did an impression of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man to lighten the mood, before earnestly suggesting that they play up on the fact that London is totally haunted by going for a “ghosts and ghouls” theme.

Just across the hallway, Stuart’s team decided to focus in on London’s poor people by opting for a cockney bus tour, and Liz immediately visited a nearby jellied eels van and demanded that the owner put a pair of braces on and dance for her to celebrate. He told her to “go duck herself” which is cockney rhyming slang for something. “Don’t mind if I do!” she cackled, scooping up a great big handful of wet fish and piling into her mouth before throwing up.

Vader then muddled the teams up a bit because he was bored, leaving Stuart, Stella and Liz looking like a lazy Abba tribute band, and Joanna, Jamie and Chris like a really posh version of N-Dubz.

With Phase One (the amazing idea) complete, it was time for Phase Two (the preparation). So Stuart stood in the middle of the street staring at passers-by, whilst Joanna repeatedly shouted “calm down, you’re behaving like a mad man!” at no one, whilst Jamie strolled casually behind her.

Meanwhile, over in some kind of tourist shop, Chris was making a woman pregnant just by describing a great discount deal to her. More from Preggy Sue later.

It was time for the most important of the four phases - Phase Three (the actual doing of things). This kicked off with Joanna marching into the tourist office place to bark at Preggy Sue (see? Told you there’d be more), who was now literally days from exploding the child sired of Chris’s poetic negotiation from the warmth of her very professional womb. She rolled her eyes, cut to the very core of Joanna’s soul by calling her “unprofessional”, then flounced off to express some milk from her bosoms and be all hormonal about it in the staff kitchen.

Later on in the show, Stuart thought he’d smear more shit on her otherwise wonderful day by challenging her to call the cops if she really wants him to stop breaking the law.

To summarise the rest of Phase Three: Stella took a group of bewildered tourists to look at traffic jams, then nervously sang “knees up Mother Brown” to make them pity her. She also showed them some street art and wondered aloud whether it might be from the satirical hand of Banksy, who, rather marvellously, might have been amongst the very tourists she was addressing. No one knows. He’s a bit shy. Jamie described how to murder someone in harrowing detail to some children. And Stuart undertook a Trafalgar Square re-imagining of the last fight scene in Raging Bull by begging Chris to punch him in the face.

“You never got me down, Chris!” he shouted, whilst Chris droned something to some girls about paying to go on a bus that hasn’t got a roof.

To the boardroom. This one was going to be tight. Lord Vader emerged through a laser show from behind a silhouetted door which made him look much bigger than he actually is, mumbled something about business, then looked Joanna’s team right in the eye and whispered to Nick to tell them that they’d only bloody won the thing.

Their treat was a plane journey to Jersey to eat oysters, chat each other up, and make tired Apocalypse Now comparisons between smells and victory.

The losers, led by Stuart possibly not wearing any underpants, sloped off to Heartbreak Café for one pint of lager, something in a pineapple for Stella, and nothing for Stuart.

Phase Four (the bit where one of them gets sacked) housed quite the revelation, when Vader turned to address “Steady Stella” – presumably Eddie’s sister? Who knew? – before Stuart ripped open his shirt, fell to his knees, and yelled “I’m a field of ponies!”

“You could always kill two of them, Lord Vader,” chuckled Nick.

Before, seriously, they fired Liz.

And everyone started laughing. Except for Liz. Liz was crying.

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