For those who haven’t quite kept up to speed, here’s a quick summary of The Apprentice so far:
Week One: a former movie soldier thrust his testicles onto a table, shouted “I’m in charge”, and was duly fired less than an hour later after failing to convince people to eat his disgusting sausages.
Week Two: Lord Sugar/Vader said something about not tolerating people who lurk silently in the background. Everyone’s eyes darted at Nick Hewer. Sugar then curve-balled everyone by firing the kind woman who kept apologising to people.
On the third week, a disgruntled surgeon promised to manufacture a million tasty bread rolls for a hotel, and then turned up brandishing three chocolate muffins and a bit of bread with a bite mark in it. Sugar won’t tolerate that kind of bullshit.
And then last week, sackee Melissa stumbled awkwardly through a weird putdown about taking your skin out of her face, and then bounced around firing finger pistols in the air, repeatedly shouting “hear me now!” over a ragga instrumental.
And now here we are, week five… a full on recreation of London Fashion Week!
Only in a Manchester shopping centre.
As you would expect with a fashion task, Lord Alan made women team leaders – presumably much to the inner dismay of the ex-marine who still hasn’t got to grips with talking normally to civilians, and could probably have done with the practice.
But no, the pretty one who sold twelve million units of baby armour in the last round went head to head with the one who’s Australian or something, and talks with the measured calm of a social worker explaining to a small bewildered child that daddy’s going to be in prison for a few years.
As always, the key to winning the task was selecting the right “product” – in this case, that was definitely the shiny dresses that girls could squodge themselves into, before having another crack at persuading beautiful men like Gary Neville to have it off with them in his secret underground kingdom.
Not the stuff made from stolen suits.
Pretty one convinced the glitzy designers to let her team model their dresses whorishly in a shop window, whilst it was left to Paloma (the Australian) and her crew to talk the people of Manchester into thinking that dresses made of ties, suits with hoods, and trousers fashioned entirely of waistcoats might be a good idea. For a small part, they almost managed it, with their only shaggable male – Chris – expertly positioned next to the viewing mirror going “phwoar” and punching his fist into the underside of his elbow whenever a housewife lacking in self esteem tried on another one of their preposterous outfits.
Alex – who is exactly like a child who explains his day at school to you without breathing between sentences – claimed to know the Trafford Centre like the back of his hand, before securing a selling area just around the back behind the bins.
Over on the other side of the shopping centre, Liz (baby armour) proved that she wasn’t just a pretty face by demonstrating that she also has great legs in a mini skirt, and we all sat back and nodded when we remembered that earlier in the show she had said “clothing is a big part of my personality”. She wasn’t lying.
To summarise the remainder of the task: Alex – who is exactly like a child who explains his day at school to you without breathing between sentences – claimed to know the Trafford Centre like the back of his hand, before securing a selling area just around the back behind the bins. The girl who looks like the clever Charlie’s Angel was on an advert. Stella (who has astonishing dove-like hair) hoiked her dress up and posed on a chair like Madonna to attract passing business and simultaneously appal Nick, who looked absolutely disgusted. And Joanna stood outside yelling at passers-by to buy some fucking clothes.
Which, funnily enough, they did. Pretty girl’s team won, and with the head-rush of victory sending them dizzy, they were sent away to get smashed on champagne, give each other frenzied hand jobs in the back of a limo, and yell at horses.
The losers went to a café for four coffees and a coke float for Alex.
Back in the boardroom for round 2 – the elimination round – Paloma decided that it was high time to morph into a horrible monster, having been so calm for the last few weeks. This blew everyone’s minds, as Nick and Sandeesh – who appears to have been hypnotised – looked on startled, as she completely unravelled, before sprinting around the table, putting on Alan Sugar’s tie and shouting to the ghost of herself sitting in the seat opposite that she was fired. She then composed herself, wiped any creases from her dress, and offered a very demure farewell to a boardroom table which was now home to five shocked fallen jaws.
“She was quite clearly insane, Lord Vader,” muttered Nick.
And everyone fell about laughing.
That was the story of week five of The Apprentice.
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