Apprentice Week Two Reviewed: Whatever Happened To The Serious Business Aspirants?

This lot can gurn and scream and look silly, but judging them on the evidence of last night's tasks its clear that they haven't got a business brain between them...
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This lot can gurn and scream and look silly, but judging them on the evidence of last night's tasks its clear that they haven't got a business brain between them...

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There was a time when the Apprentice was good TV because of the format of the show and the differing personalities of the contestants. They came from a wide range of backgrounds and industries. They thought differently. Of course some of them were idiots, but there were people with good business sense who have gone onto forge very successful careers.

But what started with Baggs the brand and that weird Irish Jim with the death ray stare has now gone full circle. The contestants on this show have been hand-picked because they apparently are good for TV.

As you will see from his Transatlantic pissing contest on Twitter with Piers Morgan, all Sugar cares about are ratings. I bet my bottom, top and middle dollars that loads of really strong business candidates applied for this season but were cast aside because they wouldn't make for what the BBC now thinks is good TV. As displayed by last night's product meetings and the eventual products, this lot of goons have little business acumen between them but can be guaranteed to gurn, pout, scream and fall asleep on cue to satisfy the wishes of the masses, which is to see people make twats of themselves.

They chose between magic marigolds or an Eco Press that looked like this thing called an Anal Hopper I once winced at in a Tokyo sex shop

Lets look at Adam. To the naked eye he is a fruit and veg man from Glossop who can go from dour to wide-eyed quicker than a mouse on MDMA and will vigorously demonstrate his magic marigolds in the back of a cab. In reality, he is a serial TV show pick who can be seen below on Wipeout. Somewhere along the line a diverse cast of brains has been swapped for box ticking. We have a black guy, an Asian guy, a chubby Northerner, an Irish mum and a shouty 20-year-old chav with silly make-up. I could go on but what is the point? They may look different but in reality they are all the same. Idiots who will say things like ‘they call me the killer whale of the sea world.”

Can you imagine anyone with a business brain leading a team into battle with a plastic screen called Splish Splash? It’s only use, as far as I could see, was to take the fun out of bathtime. Who the fuck thinks that is a killer product? Half of the team, that’s who, while the rest were sold on a tap cosy. Fuck me backwards is that it?

Same with the boys. They chose between magic marigolds or an Eco Press that looked like this thing called an Anal Hopper I once winced at in a Tokyo sex shop.

The only good thing to come out of this shite is that the ratings are down a whopping 1.4 million on last year’s show. When ratings fall it should force a sea change, warning lights should go off. The problem is that the people in charge of casting will ignore the need for a Humpbacked midget from Burnley with facial warts and brilliant ideas and add bells and whistles in a misplaced belief that this will improve the format. Who knows what they’ll do, maybe get Lord Sugar to do each show in the character of a famous Lord. But The Apprentice doesn’t need gimmicks, it needs the exact opposite. I’ll bet one of Nick Hewer’s dangly knackers that it doesn’t happen.

The Apprentice Week One Reviewed: “I Was Born in a Shoe in Chernobyl"

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