Big Brother 2011: Early Impressions Of The Charming Inmates

We're nearly a week in to Channel 5's reboot of the OG of reality tv and, aside from a faith healing model who does a Chris Eubank impression, it's been decidedly average. Yes, Pamela Anderson, we're talking to you...
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We're nearly a week in to Channel 5's reboot of the OG of reality tv and, aside from a faith healing model who does a Chris Eubank impression, it's been decidedly average. Yes, Pamela Anderson, we're talking to you...

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It’s easy to slag off Big Brother inmates – akin not to shooting fish in a barrel, but to carpet-bombing the barrel. Fish guts splatting onto palm trees, bones enflamed, TV snobs derailing the Geordie lad’s attempts to sound clever with another intellectual cock punch.  It’s no fun. Hence, in a bid to ignore Richard Desmond’s bid to score ratings by filling the house solely with dicks in their 20s, here are my first impressions of the inmates, using lovely compliments only. Feel free to wield your axes and go totally mental in the comments section…

Aaron

For all that he has already achieved in his life – eg. telling other people his opinions, and going on Big Brother – Aaron has also found time to sire a child! Well done Aaron. Apparently brushing your teeth with a baby in the room isn’t as easy as it sounds. Aaron taught us that.

Aden

Basically Aden is cleverer than you. He’s got an IQ that can barely be quantified, as is more than apparent whenever he speaks. He uses some longer words mixed in with shorter ones. It’s a thrilling contrast of language. Plus Aden wants to give back to society by becoming a head shrinker, because he knows exactly where everyone is going wrong. Good for Aden.

Alex

Alex is wonderful. She’s a “what it says on the tin” Geordie girl, with a face that has seemingly been smeared in beautiful Marmite. Marmite: You either love it, or you LOVE it.

Anton

When Anton enrolled in a posh private school, so began a ripple effect that culminated with him probably reading a book whilst his ill-educated peers from Croydon decided to spark up another innocent furniture shop. He’s like Billy Eliot!

Faye

Poor Faye, back home she’s just some weird wrestler who doesn’t seem to fit in. A bit like Mickey Rourke in the movie The Wrestler, only with hair as dark and shiny as a mahogany treasure chest as opposed to a Worzel Gummidge wig made from straw. But in this house – she TOTALLY FITS IN. They get her. She gets them. Everyone’s getting one another!

Presumably, Tashie was a member of her school’s Glee Club. She’s a very cheerful young woman, and he her own words “just really cute, and lovely, and amazing”

Harry

Harry owns a milkshake factory, which isn’t a euphemism for anything. And when he’s not reaching into his pocket to aid the production of more oddly flavoured milks, he’s out on his horse daringly ridding the planet of foxes. Or at least he was before Pamela Anderson fought for equal rights amongst animals. He wants to make a million before he’s 25. He’ll do it by 24.

Heaven

Finally, a model who is also a holistic healer. The world has been crying out for someone like Heaven. Not only that, she does a wonderful ongoing Chris Eubank impression, which is showing no signs of stopping. This is great news.

Jay

What Jay lacks in the brain department, he more than makes up for by being massive – and all of it’s muscle. All of it. His body is also awash with artistic impression, and apparently he’s fucked absolutely loads of girls on the back of it. A moving portrait of sexual prowess. Food for thought.

Louise

Beautiful Louise. Her teeth like marble tomb stones. In her own words, lesbians love to just touch her. Probably to see if she’s real. Weirdly, the Daily Star seem angry that she once unleashed her wonderful bosoms in a film. The Daily Star. Angry. About breasts. The Daily Star.

Maisy

Maisy - who the male inmates accurately described as some kind of 50s throwback - might look old fashioned, but when it comes to asserting herself as a strong independent woman, she’s very 2011. She might as well be Beyonce. That’s how NOW she is. Does she have a boyfriend? Kind of. Does she believe in honouring the arrangement? No way. Fuck you. It’s inspiring.

Mark

Stride naked into any gymnasium shower during peak season, and you’ll see grown men cowering against the wall, timidly flecking drops of shower gel onto their hidden pubic mountains. But not Mark. No. Mark’s the guy standing cock-on-show smearing generous handfuls of Radox unashamedly into his bum crack. A brave man.

Rebeckah

Another gorgeous blonde, is Rebeckah really a man hater? Does she honestly run a children’s charity funded by her diligent work in a sex bar? Is that really the way you spell Rebeckah? She’s harder to figure out than a Japanese word search. That’s what makes her so INTRIGUING. Might win.

Tashie

Presumably, Tashie was a member of her school’s Glee Club. She’s a very cheerful young woman, and he her own words “just really cute, and lovely, and amazing”. No wonder the in-house Hollywood icon has been begging her for her mobile phone number. She really IS amazing!

Tom

Little Tom entered the house looking for all the world like Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. In that he had a very colourful jacket on. Unlike Joseph – famously played by Jason Donovan – Tom likes to have sex with men. For the record, Jason Donovan doesn’t like to have sex with men. Repeat. JASON DONOVAN DOES NOT LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH MEN. That’s that cleared up, then.

Pamela Anderson

Yeah, she’s been shit.

Follow Josh on Twitter @joshburt76

Big Brother 2011: Your Guide To The Normal Housemates

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