Big Brother 2011: Your Guide To The 'Normal' Housemates

Now the celebs have flown the Big Brother nest, here's your guide to the wankers who'll be blighting your TV screens on a nightly basis. Oh, and Pamela Anderson’s in there too.
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Now the celebs have flown the Big Brother nest, here's your guide to the wankers who'll be blighting your TV screens on a nightly basis. Oh, and Pamela Anderson’s in there too.

The celebs have gone and now it’s the turn of the normals to lurk about in the Big Brother house and blight our TV screens on a nightly basis. Oh, and Pamela Anderson’s in there too. Here’s your guide to the wankers who’ll be annoying you for the next couple of months....

MARK

Turned out they started with a relatively normal one - a ‘modern-day court jester’ who can’t drink coffee without spilling it all over himself. He’s an animal lover who adopted a one-armed monkey but who couldn’t quite grasp Brian Dowling’s assertion that there will be no animals in the BB house. Shame. Mark spent most of the evening telling incoming housemates about the egg-shaped bath. Hasn’t had a girlfriend for two years and is looking to find love in the house. He’s got more chance of finding a cure for Polio.

IDIOT RATING: 7

MAISY

A plastic blonde who says she wants to be successful. As opposed to the rest of us who all pine for mediocrity or, better still, abject failure. A fan of beans on toast and climbing trees (although presumably not at the same time), Maisy threw herself at Pamela Anderson when the Baywatch icon was revealed to the housemates, in the manner of someone who had just been reunited with their long lost mother.

IDIOT FACTOR: 8

AARON

A really likeable guy, in the same way that anthrax and the discovery of incest are likeable. Aaron says that people tell him he’s arrogant – that’s weird because if I was locked in a room with him, I’d just tell him he was a cock. Aaron admitted that he likes to get his own way all the time because he’s always right, but showed a more sensitive side by confessing to the fact that he cries every time he gets his hair cut. I assume the other housemates will do the right thing and pin him out in the garden, smear him in raw meat and wait for vultures to come and eat him alive.

IDIOT FACTOR: 9

Tom says his party trick is to get his cock out, but only when there’s a camera around. That’s not a party trick mate, that’s a serious sexual offence.

HEAVEN

Or to give her full name, Heaven Africa. She’s a model, a dancer, a holistic healer and a poet, to name just four things that she probably isn’t. What she definitely is though, is powered by her own hot air. There are two major rules with Heaven – don’t mess with her food and don’t have a wrong nose because she won’t be able to look at it. Heaven says: “I’m a winner no matter what, but I’m determined to take the crown at all costs!” She’s got more chance of winning the FA Cup than she has of winning this.

IDIOT FACTOR: 9

TOM

Described himself as a ‘Mika lookalike’ at exactly the same time as hundreds of thousands of viewers roared, ‘that cunt looks like Mika’ at their screens. With an almost weary inevitability, Tom is a bisexualist. He also enjoys miming along to sad songs and says he often moves himself to tears. Personally, he moved me to throw a half-chewed barbecue spare rib at his face as it lingered on my screen. Tom says his party trick is to get his cock out, but only when there’s a camera around. That’s not a party trick mate, that’s a serious sexual offence.

IDIOT FACTOR: 7

TASHIE

An actress (but then who among us can’t make that claim) and a belly dancer who reckons she can swear in five languages, but who then seemed to be making said languages up on the spot when challenged by the mighty brain that is Brian. Tashie is teetotal as for reasons known only to herself, she claims she turns into a lizard when drunk. Tashie enjoys sharing meaningful phrases with people, such as: ‘Happiness is like a butterfly – the more you chase it the more it will elude you.’ Here’s a phrase for you Tashie – ‘I’d love to see you with your hand stuck in a plant pot. That would make me laugh.’

IDIOT FACTOR: 8

ADEN

Only 19, but with a weirdly deep voice, Aden is the brainiac of the housemates. He claims to have an IQ of over 160 but can’t prove it. Yeah, being able to prove it only requires an IQ of about 102 you fucking bell-end. Two other significant facts about Aden (he rhymes it with ‘garden’) are that he still sleeps with a teddy bear and wants to be a therapist. Sunshine, if you’re 19 and STILL sleeping with a teddy bear, you fucking NEED a therapist. Entered the house wearing a hat that made him look like a twat, meaning that he’ll be called Hat Twat by me for at the first two weeks.

IDIOT FACTOR: 6

A posh, pro-hunting owner of his own milkshake company, although its unlikely that his milkshake will bring any of the girls to his yard as his favourite flavour might well be dead fox.

ALEX

Idiot Geordie number one, Alex breathlessly described the BB dwelling as ‘the biggest house in the world’. That’s clearly shite – we’re pretty sure that Donald Trump has got a few that are bigger. Quite mannish and caked in make up and fake tan, Alex knows her limits and is proud of being the one in McDonalds who just takes your order without having to do any complicated stuff involving hot surfaces. Worryingly, her accent changed before she entered the house, just like someone reveals that they’re actually an alien, in a low-budget film. An appalling waste of skin.

IDIOT FACTOR: 9

HARRY

Just what the show needed – a posh, pro-hunting owner of his own milkshake company, although its unlikely that his milkshake will bring any of the girls to his yard as his favourite flavour might well be dead fox. Like a tiny version of David Cameron. Harry knocked us for six with the weird dual revelations that he has no sense of smell and farts when he’s nervous. Odds on to be the first evictee for, oooh, about a million reasons.

IDIOT FACTOR: 8

REBECKAH

Here’s a weird one. She’s a hostess in a Spearmint Rhino lapdancing club but in her spare time she runs a not-for-profit dance school for underprivileged kids. She only sleeps for four hours a night and also says that men make her angry because they break girls’ hearts, believing that she’ll never get married herself as a result. Great – looks like we’ve got ourselves a lap-dancing psychopath with a social conscience. Or something.

IDIOT FACTOR: 6

ANTON

Calls himself ‘the people’s champion’, mainly because he grew up in a crappy neighbourhood but managed to pull himself out of the shit. How did he achieve this? His mum paid for him to go to private school. Well done knobhead. So now he compares himself to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and says he’s just as comfortable with ‘the youth’ as he is with someone like Stephen Fry. There’s one thing that they’d both have in common though – they’d think that Anton’s head is just a little bit too spherical. A non-smoker, Anton took some fags in with him. He thinks it’s prison.

IDIOT FACTOR: 7

FAYE

A 19-year-old female wrestler who fights under the pseudonym of Darcy Steele and apparently spends all of her spare time working out, and all of her money on protein. Having said that, she’s afraid of balloons so how tough is she really, eh? Faye reckons she can impersonate almost any accent – she’s going to be a barrel of laughs isn’t she? Expect to see her counting her sit-ups in a voice that might be Welsh or might be Pakistani.

IDIOT FACTOR: 6

JAY

Thanks Channel 5 – what with Alex and now Jay, for all those people who don't have access to MTV, there's now thick Geordie arseholes on terrestrial TV as well. Unsure of whether he’s a plumber or a barber (let’s hope he’s never attempted a short back and sides with a monkey wrench) Jay is your typical tanned, sculpted narcissist mammy’s boy with a brain the size of a pea. He’s even got some special tweezers to do his eyebrows with. In truth he looks like a burly transvestite on his day off.

IDIOT FACTOR: 10

LOUISE

A former Miss Manchester, Louise says she’s not a typical model and prefers beer, chips and gravy to carrying a tiny dog around in a bag. She’s clearly no airhead and says she enjoys watching ‘intellectual programmes... like Antiques Roadshow and Bargain Hunt’. Yes, proper BBC4 stuff. A trained legal secretary, Louise says she fancied joining the army before becoming a model – she’s a cross between Lara Croft and Rosie Webster.

IDIOT FACTOR: 5

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