Brad and Angelina To Get Married Because No One Fancies Them Anymore

They're over the hill and laden with enough excess baggage to bring down a 747, so who really cares these days if Brad and Angelina get hitched.
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They're over the hill and laden with enough excess baggage to bring down a 747, so who really cares these days if Brad and Angelina get hitched.

At 47 Brad is pushing 50, which I think makes him roughly 80 in LA years.  At 36 Angelina's no spring-chicken either.  While botox may have temporarily extended the shelf life for leading ladies of the big screen it’s only a matter of time before all that poison takes its toll on your face, and it seems in many cases your mind.  The chisel-jawed couple are apparently planning to tie the knot in the next few weeks and it can’t happen too soon.  This pair have been the subject of endless will-they, won’t-they marry based speculation and it’s about time they strut down the (probably red-carpeted) aisle before they drown in their own ridiculousness.

Looking at their latest pictures it appears marriage or at the very least a decent mirror could be the only option left for these two.  The all action Lara Croft actress used to intimidate us with her ‘big guns’ and pistols, now it looks as though she’d snap like a twig if she tripped over on the red carpet.  When I last checked I don’t remember a lengthy period of anorexia being part of the Tomb Raider backstory.  A few slices of wedding cake may be just what Angelina needs to perk herself up.  Put some weight on Ange love and get back in those Lara Croft hot pants where you belong.

As for Brad, well he just keeps making increasingly bad facial hair choices and wearing very large sunglasses.  You can’t really be sure what’s going on behind any of that but if he feels the need to cover it up, it can’t be good.  Add to the fact that no-one ever really forgave him for ditching Jen to shack up with Angelina and it’s a wonder the golden couple of Tinseltown have maintained their lustre for this long.

Put some weight on Ange love and get back in those Lara Croft hot pants where you belong.

Jennifer Aniston of course plays her role in this story exceeding well.  She’s the ex you can’t just delete from Facebook and forget about.  Whether she’s beaming at them from billboards and magazine covers or schlepping her latest romcom around Hollywood, she’s everywhere.  To make matters worse she’s looking in better shape than Ange.  If the three of them could stand to be in the same room for more than 30 seconds it might make a good film script.  ‘Brangelina and The Omnipresent Ex’ coming to a cinema screen near you!  As baggage goes Jennifer comes wrapped up in attractive packaging, but having her turning up all over town must be getting old.

Of course the baggage isn’t just limited to Jen.  The couple have their gaggle of kids who have apparently started asking awkward questions.  It’s reportedly them who’ve prompted Brangelina to wed.  Here’s a tip guys, those questions are going to get a whole lot more awkward as time goes on.  Getting wed won’t stop the little ankle biters from asking questions like, is that the woman of off Friends and why is she following us?

So with their looks waning, a complicated gang of randomly adopted kids in tow plus a string of divorces are either of them really that attractive any more?  Though once we might have been shallow enough to mindlessly ogle at their mugs in mags can we brush these issues under a suitably large rug?

If they weren’t supposedly at the top of their game the whole thing reeks of ‘if we haven’t met anyone else by the time we’re getting less film roles lets get married!’

Forgive me if I’m underwhelmed by the wedding news.  It may well turn out to be the latest story out of the ‘what bollocks can we make up this week’ hat, but the truth of the matter is whether hitched or not Brangelina are past their sell by date.

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