Britain's Got Talent Week Two Reviewed: Thank Christ For Ryan O’Shaughnessy

It's week two of the talent show, let the bottom of the barrel scraping begin...
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It's week two of the talent show, let the bottom of the barrel scraping begin...

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It’s week 2 of Britain’s Got (Not a Lot of) Talent and the show was in full swing. Actually that’s a lie. It’s wasn’t. The format is the same, Ant and Dec performed their cheeky chappy routine at the side of the stage whilst the judges; Simon Cowell, David Walliams and, err, whatever female wasn’t having a baby/Botox/breakdown the day of recording sat coiffed and proud at the front of  the stage. Surely the main aim for these shows is to get people sucked into the banter between the judges but when they can’t even keep the same judge from one audition to another, it causes cracks and it’s just bloody annoying.

This week the show came from the Las Vegas of England, the home of UK entertainment, that’s right folks, glorious Blackpool. If I wasn’t reviewing the programme the first act would have certainly made me switch off. Actually it would have made me switch off and never want to watch TV in general, ever again. ‘Lily and the Pineapple Hunks’ burst onto the stage with the enthusiasm of horny 15 year old being wanked off by his mate’s fit mum. Lily, a Babestation staff member (maybe) screeched along to the cheesy-feminist classic ‘It’s raining men’ with four scantily clad blokes grinding either side of her. It really was as embarrassing as it sounds. The main issue with our Lily’s vocals was her voice, and the fact she couldn’t sing. I’m no expert in this field but I think if you are a singer and you can’t sing, you’re going to struggle. She was quickly booed off the stage.

Other acts that were quickly rattled through included a FEMALE Cliff Richard impersonator, a little girl and her dog; neither of which could play the recorder and a scarlet Elvira inspired lady who attempted to recite poetry, because that was going to work. The fact the majority of the acts are rubbish doesn’t matter as the clever Cowell editing magically transforms them into watchable TV. The new documentary style ‘behind the scenes’ snippets of the acts as they’re generally milling about and preparing to go on stage make for good TV too.

I’m no expert in this field but I think if you are a singer and you can’t sing, you’re going to struggle.

In terms of stand out acts there were a few. The 1st being 27 year old Beatrix Von Bourbon, a burlesque dancer in a red hostess outfit who definitely performed under her real name. Beatrix oozed sex appeal but did it with a very ladylike edge, even the fact she got her boobs out and was covered in tattoos didn’t deter from the subtle elegance she possessed. I liked her. Clearly she won’t win, but the grin on Simon’s pervy face and the pre-watershed PG 13 sexual content got my attention.

The boy band called ‘The Mend’ could certainly hold a tune and I think they’ll get through a few more stages. They are essentially East 17 and they were dressed like… umm… East 17, but the lead singer really was good, and I can’t deny a man who gives me goose bumps, even if his baseball cap is too high.

Of the more average-to-fair acts the one that stood out to me was a chubby 16 year old xylophone player in a really really shit waistcoat. He didn’t have a lot going for him but he did have crazy fast ninja fingers that would certainly be an asset for him to use in the bedroom, it’s just a shame his waistcoat was the equivalent to a sandwich board saying, “I do children.”

The textbook acts that make you want to self-harm were in full force and of those more embarrassing acts were the ‘older’ girl band ‘Déjà vu.’ The lady who took charge in the group also happened to be the one who put the casting call in the paper which set out, ‘to find an older Little Mix.’ No really, it did. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If you were going to emulate a girl band, wouldn’t you choose one who’s had success and not one that hasn’t even released A SINGLE SONG? Jesus wept. In all fairness a few of them could sing, but as they were wearing items from the Halloween bargain bin at Claire’s Accessories, they were never going to make a good impression.

The show finished on a high, thank God, with talented young Irish singer/songwriter Ryan O’Shaughnessy. He was pretty brilliant actually and at 19 years of age to hold an audience with your own song you’ve penned about a girl you stalk have a crush on, is no mean feat. He blew everyone away including me. In fact, I might have cried. Ok I did cry. It was the falsetto at the end, and the lyrics, and his eyes…  God damn him.

Britain’s Got Talent: The Bad, The Rubbish And The Utterly Atrocious

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