Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Sex, Strategies & Why I Love It

Sure it's a cesspit of vacuous, fame starved no-hopers, and perhaps it has no real cause to be broadcast, but I like it....
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Sure it's a cesspit of vacuous, fame starved no-hopers, and perhaps it has no real cause to be broadcast, but I like it....

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Oh Big Brother, that’s a massive pile of shit. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. This January has been rubbish in every single way, but for two words. Big. Brother. Or three if you’re one of those people who insist on using it’s full title: CELEBRITY Big Brother.

It’s not perfect by any means. Brian Dowling has yet to manoeuvre beyond his comfort zone, and sticks to a dreary format of giving you a bite size description of something you’ve literally just watched. Plus it’s on Channel 5, which pretty much cheapens everything and makes it feel a bit grotty – like smearing your foreskin on a nice piece of steak.

But those minor gripes aside, it’s been a tour du force. A mighty Lazarus rising from his bed to find himself stronger, angrier, and in someone else’s house. To sum things up, here’s a small list of things which have gone right:

Andrew Stone

As was always going to happen when it moved to Five, the celebrities bookers were going to spend the majority of their time prodding the murkier areas of the swamps with a shitty stick. And up came Andrew Stone! Yes, as in THE ANDREW STONE! As in TRIPLE THREAT! Which is presumably another way of saying tri-sexual. He was an inspired find, and as butch rugby player Gareth Thomas solemnly declared his gayness to the room, whilst Stone pranced around bragging about pussy, some viewers probably began to wonder whether some weird Freaky Friday shit had gone down with these two.

Untouchable girls

An equal masterstroke came when picking the right girls to orbit the Kirk/Frankie nebula of sophistication.  Both lads expressed their eagerness to fuck someone on live television in their pre-show video charm offensives. Frankie even promised that he’d definitely do it covers-off. So when they caught sight of Blonde Thing One, Blonde Thing Two, and the Irish girl Georgia with the large bosoms, trousers tented, condoms were mentally rationed. This one was in the bag. Only it wasn’t. Kirk’s smooth patter – “You’re single? Get off with me then”– fell on deaf ears. Frankie eventually took to frantically making love to himself in the middle of the night.

As was always going to happen when it moved to Five, the celebrities bookers were going to spend the majority of their time prodding the murkier areas of the swamps with a shitty stick. And up came Andrew Stone!

Revealing tasks

Few have been better than “Make the light-bulb go on” from Week One, which revealed Andrew Stone’s failure in the X Factor auditions. This resulted in around nineteen insecure trips to the diary room to make sure that Big Brother understood that he’d had a sleepless night the night before. His head was all over the place…

But the best of all found Nicola McLean taking exactly one second to decide that her happiness was far more important than anyone else’s in the letter-shredding task. Angry fella, that Nicola McLean. And a selfish bugger too.

The unpredictability

With the new “vote to save” strategy, it’s all gone topsy-turvy! Sonia from Eastenders was supposed to win the thing, but she got bundled out on Day 16. Nicola – who thinks “behaving like a cunt” is a virtue – should’ve been back on the streets swearing at people ages ago. No one honestly knows who is going to go next. Hence while Gareth Thomas should win the thing for being a genuinely great contestant, it’ll probably go to Frankie.

Or will it?

Other highlights include: The Madness of Michael Madsen, Sonia from Eastenders acing her secret mission on Evening One. The almighty eruption that came from Denise Welch goosing a Playmate. And Natasha Giggs shedding some light on exactly why Ryan smashed it - by basically being quite lovely.

Cracking stuff.

Other articles about the desperados in the Big Brother house…

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Meet The Heathens

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum

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