Celebrity Big Brother: Meet The Inmates

Despite promises of Charlie Sheen, we've been lumped with ten Z-listers and a psychopathic bare knuckle boxer. Seconds out, ding ding...
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Despite promises of Charlie Sheen, we've been lumped with ten Z-listers and a psychopathic bare knuckle boxer. Seconds out, ding ding...

Big Brother is back. It’s on Channel Five now, which means that it’s exactly the same, only seems cheaper. There’s a “FIVE” in the top left hand corner. Brian Dowling took over Davina McCall’s job of shouting things and doing impromptu impressions to humiliate housemate’s behind their backs. It was pretty much business as usual. Here’s a run down of the latest contestants.

Kerry Katona

To emphasise how COMPLETELY FINE she is now, Big Brother reran the clip from This Morning where Philip Schofield decided to fuck the interview and stage an intervention instead. Looks like Julie Walters playing Bridgette Nielsen.

Tara Reid

Famous for deflowering a school kid in a movie, and yet, funnily enough, in real life Tara Reid doesn’t even do simple hugs. Katona was greeted with a wet handshake. Mr Paparazzi got a “gimme ten”.

Paddy Doherty

Possibly brain damaged. Might kill someone.

Amy Childs

Her own name totally cracks her up, and when she’s not laughing at it, she spends her days jamming old bits of glass into people’s vaginas. Apparently we’re all going to get to know the real her. I know, I know. Wicked.

Oh yeah, they’re funny now in a twatty kind of way. But once you’ve seen them sharing a disturbing shower, possibly kissing, they will be immediately put into care

Mr Paparazzi

An Australian historian, he describes himself as a “classic Leo – which is an anagram for “complete cunt”.

Sally Bercow

Has gone onto Big Brother to make some kind of point to her husband. He doesn’t OWN her.

Lucien Laviscount

Became an actor because David Beckham once wandered out of a toilet and told him to. His mission - to nervously insert himself into Amy Childs without cutting his long soap opera penis on jagged chunks of bling.

Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff

“Two words, guys: Pamela. Baywatch”. Moments later a celebrity booker was marched out of Channel Five.

Bobby Babel

Became a model by mistake. Just by being there he’s already rudely cock-blocking Coronation Street. Too handsome.

Jedward

Oh yeah, they’re funny now in a twatty kind of way. But once you’ve seen them sharing a disturbing shower, possibly kissing, they will be immediately put into care.

Who do you think is going to win this thing?

Fantasy Celebrity Big Brother

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