At this time of year, micro celeb workout DVDs clutter the shelves of the local going-into-administration HMV like roaches after a nuclear attack. Abandoned and unloved, you could pave the streets with DVDs featuring a dehydrated Kerry Katona sweating coke-encrusted cobs on a crash mat in an empty room. But even so, celeb fitness is big business. So here are a few of my predictions for the best selling workout DVDs of 2014. Don’t be alarmed if they actually happen.
Siralan’s Boardroom Bum Crunchers
A desk-based workout for stressed out office workers, featuring Sugartits in a full body Spandex suit complete with faux tie. Exercises include ‘Saddle Baggs’ (working the glutes while being pulled by a field of ponies), ‘the Brady Crunch’ (clenching your buttocks while Karren bangs on about the offside rule and sexism AGAIN) and ‘The Mountford’ (straddling the mountainous Margaret – good for the inner thighs). Afterwards Siralan gives you a few top tips for success, as you try not to look at the outline of his hairy balls under his leotard.
The Phil Mitchell Crack Workout
Phil dons a stained, eggy vest and a pair of joggies with rock burns in them, and takes you through a series of high impact moves in an abandoned warehouse in Walford. Warm up with the Crack Shake, a sweaty vibrating motion accompanied by low moaning. Later move onto The Wobble, a hysterical swaying dance best done while holding a bottle of vodka and threatening your own reflection. Burn extra calories by wildly shouting ‘Peggy!’ like a drug-addled walrus.
Afterwards Siralan gives you a few top tips for success, as you try not to look at the outline of his hairy balls under his leotard.
The ‘Crush A Grape’ Bootcamp with Stu Francis
Forget press ups and ab crunches - this is a real challenge. 80s Crackerjack presenter Stu Francis mercilessly takes you through some high octane physical tests, including Ripping A Tissue, Crushing a Grape and Wrestling An Action Man. WARNING: Do NOT attempt to jump off a doll’s house without consulting your doctor beforehand.
Derek Acorah’s Psychic Fitness
Liverpuddlian chancer and all round discredited TV psychic Derek shows you how to lose weight and look great with this brilliant workout, filmed on a night vision camera in a haunted hotel near Blackpool. Quiver while chairs are moved by members of the crew and Derek gets in touch with Henry VII/Marilyn Monroe/ the Grand Old Fucking Duke of York. Act possessed, shake your head, shout ‘BE GONE!’ in a ludicrous Shakespearian accent, and spend the entire night shivering in a freezing cold cellar, imagining that dust motes and flies are ‘orbs’.
The Daily Mail ‘Lose Weight While You Hate’ Plan
Fucking gypsies! Gays! Taking away our corner shops! Why did Jo Yeates have to die when my incompetent Lithuanian cleaner is allowed to live? This country is going to the dogs! Asians! Gays in Bed and Breakfasts! Eastern Europeans on BENEFITS! Not in my backyard! Romanian lesbians! They must be stopped! Scroungers in wheelchairs! Somalians! Poofs on benefits! Somalian poofs on benefits! Repeat until exhausted.
Click here for more stories about Life
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook