Colin Murray, Stop Ruining My Sunday Night

I'm sorry I hurt you Colin, but since you've turned Match of the Day 2's banter and analysis into a poor man's Jim'll Fix It, I wish I crushed your fingers a few more times for luck.
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I'm sorry I hurt you Colin, but since you've turned Match of the Day 2's banter and analysis into a poor man's Jim'll Fix It, I wish I crushed your fingers a few more times for luck.

I once slammed Colin Murray’s hand in a

car

door. It was a mistake made whilst I was employed to drive him around T in the Park by the BBC. He later conducted and interview with Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters whilst nursing his damaged digits. Now, as he continues to ruin my Sunday nights with his shite banter on

Match of the Day

2, I can appreciate the excruciating pain that he must have gone through.

I used to look forward to M.O.T.D 2. It was an educated look at the weekend’s football, presented by a cheeky but informed panda called Adrian Chiles. I appreciated Adrian’s appetite for knowledge, looking to get the opinions of his panel of experts on tactics, formations and the work of the unsung heroes in the team. There was genuine banter between guests and presenter. Alan Pardew was even relaxed enough to offer his ill-advised description of a powerful Michael Essien tackle, “He absolutely raped him.” The ‘2 Good 2 Bad’ section was the icing on the cake, always ending with some well-observed funny moments from the games - a granny swearing or some gurning woman fighting with her bare-chested husband during a Midlands derby.

Now the format show is so clunky it resembles a lobotomised mental patient clumsily staggering around D-ward desperately searching for someone to tell him what year it is.

The quality of the banter has diminished with Lee Dixon failing to find a comic foil and Mark Lawrenson reduced to a grumpy drag queen grimacing as he talks about player’s salaries whilst secretly calculating how many sex toys he could buy with the money. The thing that really pisses me off is they have taken their eye of the ball, substituting football for gimmicks - they’re currently running a ‘fun’ competition, inviting ordinary punters to recreate the M.O.T.D  theme tune. And this is where I blame Murray, he delights in participating in this festival of mediocrity. He judders with excitement as he introduces clips of grainy self-shot footage of cub-scout groups, knitting circles or rehabilitated young offenders playing the iconic music on improvised instruments.

"There was genuine banter between guests and presenter. Alan Pardew was even relaxed enough to offer his ill-advised description of a powerful Michael Essien tackle, 'He absolutely raped him'."

It’s the television equivalent of watching someone else’s child perform in the primary school play. Isn’t little Christopher great? No, he looks sad and I think he’s about to soil himself. I can almost hear the whoops of congratulations in the M.O.T.D 2 production office as the Producers and Execs high five each other - We’ve created User Generated Content - U.G.C, like Cineworld used to be called. Thanks, With this kind of sub-Jim’ll Fix It humour you’re really spoiling us.They’ve missed the point, I want to know how Rafael Van der Vaart has made an impact on the Spurs formation or hear about Ian ‘Olly’ Holloway's tactical masterstroke/failure whilst watching the jaundiced face of Charlie Adam. Instead I have to suffer Colin Murray’s chumpy humour as he points out that Scholes rhymes with goals.

‘Even 2 Good 2 Bad’ is now plain bad. During a recent episode, Murray signed off with a gag which he billed as a real treat. Cut to a picture of pigeon sitting on the pitch at West Ham followed by the caption ‘Frederic Pigeon‘. Oh ha fucking ha Murray. You’re pointing out a fucking pigeon at a football match, how astute. A common pest in a public area. The only occasion when an animal on a football pitch would be newsworthy would be if Joey Barton kicked a dog to death or El Hadj Diouf bit the face off a fox after being sent off snotting on a ball boy.

I’m sorry I hurt you Colin, you seem like a decent guy, but If I knew then what I knew now, I would be temped to slam that door a few more times whilst humming that iconic theme tune.

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