Doomsday Preppers #11: Defending Against China with Homemade Pipe Bombs

This week, Wayne is so certain in his fear that China is going to totally bitchslap the US that he’s created pipebombs strong enough to blow a cardboard cut out in two...
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This week, Wayne is so certain in his fear that China is going to totally bitchslap the US that he’s created pipebombs strong enough to blow a cardboard cut out in two...

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Anyone can be a Prepper. From the young women of suburbia, to the elderly workers of Scope, even those people who still use those coin powered gyrating elephants and cars that you find just in the doorways of Sainsburys. They could all be secret Preppers; hiding their secret shame from us normies; glib in the fact that when society falls apart, they will be the ones rising to the top with their hundreds of tins of ravioli and dog food.

Preppers, on the whole, seem like they’ve got one side from their storage container missing, but no one really stands out as being super-massive crazy. Or at least not crazy enough to stand out from the usual crazy crowd that frequent the Buy In Bulk aisles of Lidl.

That was the case until we met Mr. Wayne.

Before we start, I’d like to share a theory with you. I’ve seen almost every iteration of Batman, and I have a good knowledge of the Bat family’s antics over the past sixty years or so, and I know that Bats has never been a relatively sane man; the physical cost of wearing all that rubber alone marks him as a person who would grow up knowing that he was a little bit “different.” And by different, I mean that you can’t touch his special jumper different. But I’ve never seen that Bruce Wayne, however rich and affluent he may be as the Playboy of Gotham, could actually be a Prepper from Texas.

Gotham might be almost as far from Texas as you can get: ones fictional and the other one has armed vigilantes terrorising families, but one man joins the two. That man is cryptically calling himself ‘Mister Wayne.’ Let’s just chalk that up as Clue One in the Blue’s Clues edition of Doomsday Preppers shall we?

Mister Wayne isn’t even his real name. He’s adopted the moniker so no one can know his true identity, despite appearing on a TV show that is going to be shown Worldwide; no, lets gloss over that fact. Wayne is worried that once everyone knows that he has stores and stores of food buried around Texas, people will be travelling up to his gaff in their pick up trucks when the Apocalypse finally shows it’s fucking face. I mean, obviously we can all see his face, but if he hides his name then yeah, that’ll work just as well. No one remembers faces. He needs to get himself a mask for this. Say a one that has pointy ears perhaps?

Some theorists and writers claim that whereas Clark Kent is Superman’s alter-ego, Bruce Wayne is Batman’s because his strongest personality comes out when he has donned the disguise. Much like Mister Wayne here. He’s Nicole Sherzinger level crazy, just without the exciting lexicon and lace catsuit to back him up.

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Luckily though Wayne doesn’t need this because he makes his own explosives.

Let’s just readdress some facts: Mister Wayne, who doesn’t want people to know his real name in case they rob him appears on global TV and makes a completely pointless pseudonym obselete, then appears on GLOBAL TV making pipebombs. An act that, although might not be illegal per se, doesn’t really scream of someone who’s particularly emotionally stable. NB, it’s apparently only a crime if you detonate the- OH MY GOD NOW HE’S DETONATING THEM.

Wayne brags that his pipebombs are the equivalent of eight sticks of dynamite, which may strike fear into the heart of Yosemite Sam, but also brings an uneasy feeling in anyone watching because this man, who’s clearly unstable, is so certain in his fear that China is going to totally bitchslap the US over their debt that he’s created pipebombs strong enough to blow a cardboard cut out in two. Chilling stuff. Who else makes gadgets like that? That’s right, Ted Kacynski. No, no, Bruce Wayne, yes, that’s right. Clue Three.

As well as making pipebombs, Mister Wayne also makes his own bullets, which he signs by hand in a ridiculous display of masculine stupidity. It’s not going to take the police long to figure out who shot someone if you write your name on the murder weapon. Why not carve ‘Mister Wayne Woz Ere 2k12, Also I Hate Blacks’ in someone’s chest with a knife? It’s just as effective in making you look stupid. Who would be arrogant enough to broadcast that they've been at the scene of a crime? Only Batman with his dastardly Bat Signal. Clue Four is it?

When he's not creating ammunition and explosives, Wayne also makes wine.

Yep. You've read that correctly. He has a 3 acre orchard at the side of the Wayne Manor that he creates his own wine with. Wayne believes that when China cashes in their debt (which would never happen because America is one of the biggest importers of Chinese goods) society will revert to bargaining with goods that can be made. Like in World of Warcraft, or the film Indecent Proposal, and Wayne believes that his wine will bring all the boys to the yard and save him from a lynching when the New Chinese World Order comes into effect. Brilliantly, and this is the only time that this word can be used with Mister Wayne, his wine is called 'Wayne's World.' Schwing!

On the face of it, Mister Wayne is like one of those people who have requested that they secede from the United States because B and Mobama are back in the White House, but in actual fact, when you look with Extreme Close Up (sorry, I couldn't actually help myself there) Wayne is a dangerously deranged sociopath who's one step away from having the right to bare arms all over a High School in Texas.

When you hear him talk about the weapons that be created, he does so like a mother talks about their children. Or a boy racer would about his car/girlfriend. When it isn't worrying that there's people like this in America, it's terrifying that when the reboot on whatever version of society we're running now comes its people like Mister Wayne who will be looking to be in charge.