If you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise. Not masked teddybears jumping around, swigging tea and having a massive sex orgy, but there’s a man who’s built a network of spider holes that he can dive into when the shit hits the fan.
Doug Huffman, the man who thought it would be a good idea to construct coffin shaped holes in the ground believes that the World is on the brink of economic collapse. He believes that the price of potatoes and bread are about to sky rocket to bizarre, Ferrari-esque prices and that he needs to take actions because he doesn’t have Ferrari money. No one really has Ferrari money.
Doug is unusual in the World of Preppers because he has no family to speak of; friends never count, so his reasons for actioning the more bizarre aspects of survival are going to be for something different from ‘for little Sally or Brian.’ More than a simpering whine about keeping family first and safe. It’s nice to hear that the rich nutbags of America are looking after their family, but what do people who don’t have a family do with all the time they have on their hands?
He spends ten to fourteen hours a day working on his supplies and preparing his ranch to welcome families to live when whatever might happen happens. Doug also has three different locations of food and water so if the ranch gets compromised he has some alternative nourishment. Which is handy. Doug looks like he might be the best prepared Prepper that we’ve come across so far, and would probably ask to stay with him when VW Golf sized hail start pelting people (although we would have to pretend this article never happened).
Doug seems lovely doesn’t he? He sounds like just the type of man that you would put your entire trust into; a kind of Moses type figure leading what’s left of humanity to a greater time. What’s that you say? How does he intend to protect you? Are you sure that you want to know?
Doug Huffman, the man who thought it would be a good idea to construct coffin shaped holes in the ground believes that the World is on the brink of economic collapse.
Well, and what you’re about to read can’t be unread; Doug is ex-military so he has enough camouflage clothes to make him look a trendy model about to sashay down Sasquatch Fashion Week, with enough guns to make the cast of The Wire think twice about throwing shade. Sounds so good so far doesn’t it? Guns, although a one way trip into death, can be sometimes necessary in extreme cases. What sets Doug apart from the other trigger happy soon to be nomads of North America is that he has cultivated his own personal army in the local Junior Rangers group.
Masquerading his sharing of skills as an altruistic decision about helping enough people to survive the upcoming disasters Doug has managed to create his own version of Young Avengers (only without the poor analogies and rip offs) which would probably work to his beck and call to remove any unmentionables messing up his perfect community.
And should you disagree? Well, Doug shows us what would happen if you do. He will creep up to your house, in the dead of the night (Doug is the self confessed ‘master of the night’) and he will shoot you through the window. Then return every night, killing one more person, until presumably you’re all dead. A bit like a sharp shooter’s version of Guess Who?
Doug Huffman may seem that he would be a Grand Vizier of New New America, but as long as you’re willing to put up with beatings and intimidation, then that’s fine. Actually, that just sounds like Regular America doesn’t it?
You’d presume that Doug’s extreme approach to surivival could be down to him not having a family to look after and centralize his efforts into, but that’s not exactly right. Let’s meet Diane Rogers, America’s Worst Mother.
Like every other Prepper with a family, their family represents their modus operandi about all the thousands of dollars they waste (“invest”) every month; ‘it’s for their children’s future when there is no future to speak of,’ they might bleat if they were writing a melodramatic, post-Apocalypse love story about their son falling in love with one of the muties and changing her life forever. But with Diane Rogers, wife of Greg and mother of Sarah, doesn’t really hide behind this facade for long.
Instead, she keeps harking on about a prophetic dream that she had when was 20 and in college. If someone was to say that this dream might have been ‘enhanced’ by drugs, then we probably wouldn’t disagree, but nevertheless, she clings onto this dream of a disastrous future like a maudlin Sarah Connor. Secretly Diane probably wakes up ruing the fact that Arnold Swarzenegger is just an ex-Governor of Florida and not saving Sarah from being killed by a man who went on to be the worst stand in for Fox Mulder.
What sets Doug apart from the other trigger happy soon to be nomads of North America is that he has cultivated his own personal army in the local Junior Rangers group.
What would you do if your significant other said that they had a dream and that you should plow as much money into making sure you’re as ready for it as possible? Well, you could either take the biblical route; sell her to George Galloway and fake her death by smearing shit all over her favourite coat. You could also tell her to get a job and stop focusing on this dream that she keeps having. I have recurring dreams, and unless Joshua Jackson manages to go back in and look like Pacey again, there is no chance of it happening.
Greg does neither of these, and instead entertains her every cheese dream with his buckets of limitless cash. Which is fine, I’m sure husbands have done this for years to stop Her Indoors from going on about how rubbish their gazebo looks like.
But what makes Diane stand out above more negligent parents such as Rose West and Mary Bell is that instead of taking her daughter to go shopping for Sylvanian Families or Pogs, like every other mother might with their six year old, they go shopping for the gun that she has had her eye on; a fancy Glock, apparently. “Well, that’s the American Way,” you might retort. Except that’s bollocks because the look of confusion and fear on Sarah’s face is more than any ghost written autobiographies written Katie Price and Kerry Katona can tell you how not to raise a child. A gun shop isn’t a place for a six year old to be. How do you even begin to internally rationalize information like that?
And it doesn’t even end there. When they get home, the Rogers go through a full drill of what they must do to get to safety, which only leads to Sarah looking even more disorientated as she pulls her trunkee of- God knows what a six year packs in case of emergency, with a gas mask wrapped around her neck.
It’s astonishing that Diane and Greg can’t see the worried expressions on a six year old’s face yet we all can.
It seemed that Doug might have been the more reckless Prepper because he had nothing to centralize his efforts into, but even when we see that they do, they still seem to become monstrous attempts at survivors. If the World depends on these people to survive after a cataclysmic event, we have to ask ourselves “is it worth saving?”
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