Doomsday Preppers Episode 6: With Friends Like These Who Needs Lunatics?

Once business collapses and your iPhone becomes useless, you won’t have your Twitter friends to moan about the looting to when the end of the world hits, so follow in the steps of these guys to stay alive...
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Once business collapses and your iPhone becomes useless, you won’t have your Twitter friends to moan about the looting to when the end of the world hits, so follow in the steps of these guys to stay alive...

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So. No one told you life was going to be this way. Your job's a joke, you’re broke, you’re love life’s DOA. Its like you’re always stuck in second gear. Well, it hasn’t been your day, your week, you month or even your year... The best use of a hand clap in a theme tune aside, during a time of national crisis, friends might be all you have in the world. Once business collapses and your iPhone becomes useless, you won’t have your Twitter friends to moan about the looting to, and far be it from us to recommend you join the looting yourself to pass the time.

The desire to keep family and friends safe is a common theme in any Prepper’s psyche. It’s what keeps families together during times of great stress and massive tsunami waves; everyone looking out for each other will definitely help while zombies are banging against the large glass doors of the nearest shopping mall you’re housed in. I mean, there’s no way that looking out for everyone’s best interests will definitely counter the waves of the undead. There’s no two ways about it. At all.

American families seem to be the most prone to bouts of Prepping (the official term for being an absolute nutbag); there’s not much chance of a British family taking as many measures to combat Worldwide economic collapse, or the ice caps melting. They’ll be more concerned with making sure that the roof above their house isn’t getting repossessed than whether the DOW Jones is on the rise. And Prepping really does take up a massive amount of your monthly wages; your Netflix subscription will be out for a start.

The Douglases are just one of the families who earn thousand and thousands of dollars and ploughs a vast majority of it into a madcap scheme to protect them from an oncoming apocalypse. Mike Douglas, or Mike as his friends call him, has moved his entire family to a secluded cabin in the woods and taken up teaching his three children survival techniques so they can live in the woods without being eaten by wolves and bears. Kind of like the Scouts but with more sharpened tomahawks.

Everyone simply looking out for each other will definitely help while zombies are banging against the large glass doors of the nearest shopping mall you’re housed in...

Dakota, his oldest and favourite son, has been practicing juggling tomahawks for so long that he could easily be a stunt fighter for one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as long as he was the one who has Justin Bieber hair and a shit moustache, while his youngest daughter has been practicing her bird calls so she can sense when danger is round the corner just by a Robin’s call. It’s a little bit Captain Planet for our tastes, but we’d rather not have an axe to the skull, so it’s “adorable.”

It’s his middle son, Ryan, who is the understated star of this week’s Doomsday Preppers. Instead of learning what berries won’t poison you and how to get water from moss Ryan only wants to use his laptop and touch himself, which is something that Mike is really upset about. How will he learn how to survive in the wilderness, Mike laments to the camera, if all that Ryan is doing is perfecting his spit and polish? So what does Mike do? Well only what any other parent would do; take him out into the wilderness and show him how to build a shelter out of logs and leaves. Never mind sitting them down and having a one to one discussion and come to some sort of adult compromise, Mike does his own things his own way. Like every red blooded Prepper would, nay SHOULD.

Luckily Ryan and Mike build a suitable shelter that would, apparently, save them from freezing to death. Who are we to say that that’s a massive lie?

On the other side of the country, Becky Brown is trying to convince her skeptical friends that there is something massive coming in the future and that they should all be prepared. Unfortunately for Becky, but not for us, she just looks a little bit of a mental. Blindsiding her friends by showing off her bug out bags and the vast provisions that she had accrued in her back room is one of the worst ways to spend an evening (and we’ve seen Ken Dodd live) and you can see by the filtered looks on her friends’ faces that Becky is going to get the pissed ripped out of her when they finally escape.

Becky, like four of the five Douglases, is scared about economic collapse and the subsequent fall into martial law, which isn’t just a poor Kung Fu police dramady from the late 90s. No, to Becky, martial law is a massive threat to the country’s future, even though America hasn’t declared martial law since the 60s and that it would do under very extreme circumstances. Worrying about martial law is tantamount to worrying about whether Louis Walsh is finally going to out himself. It’s never going to happen.

Nevertheless, Becky thinks that martial law is going to propel Salt Lake City into a state of disrepair and horror that will only stop when all the Osmonds combine their power for the final time. How does Becky think she is going to combat lawlessness on the street? By turning herself into a kick ass urban warrior.

Just like Sarah Connor, Becky Brown has galvanised herself to fight the future, and whereas Connor has the aid of a a cyborg sent from the future in the guise of a future Governor, Brown also has slightly bizarre tactics to save herself. She takes up sniper lessons.

Apparently there is such a thing as a civilian taking lessons in the best way to use a sniper rifle, and as worrying that might be to someone who lives in a country where you can’t own a gun without certain stipulations, Becky shows herself to be quite adept at shooting something 200 yards away. For a base of comparison, that’s the distance between where you are at any one time, and the nearest Greggs.

Becky Brown has galvanised herself to fight the future, employing slightly bizarre tactics to save herself. She takes up sniper lessons.

Becky’s friends, however, seem slightly unconvinced that the World is teetering on the brink of an economic collapse, and don’t really take her as seriously as she evidently takes herself and start to screen their calls. Maybe when the World does fall into chaos and everyone is queueing up for the World’s last Big Mac then people will take Becky and the Douglases more seriously, but until then friends will just be there for to support you when your husband runs off with the woman who keeps a bottle of her ex’s blood around her neck, or when you have a really bad spinoff based on you.

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