First up was Vicki Edmunds, described by presenter Evan Davis as a ‘pentrepreneur’ – he explained that ‘it’s a phrase we’ve coined to describe a pensioner entrepreneur’. Erm, right, we’ll watch out for that one appearing in the Oxford English Dictionary next year.
To be honest, hyperactive Vicki was more of a mentalpreneur, with her idea for a website that brought people together to eat in each other’s homes – like a private Come Dine With Me. It sounded like a murderer’s charter and was duly stuffed into the waste disposal, but only after Sexual Tina had made a piss-taking attempt to buy 95% of it.
Given even shorter shrift was the bloke who had devised a video game for gents’ toilets where you control skiing penguins with your own urine. Yeah, we’ve ALL had that idea while we’ve been standing at the trough and let our imagination run away with us – unfortunately, this fella forgot to forget about it afterwards and ended up trying to make it into an actual business. I’ll continue to spend MY toilet time pretending I’m Godzilla, widdling in David Cameron’s chimney.
To be honest, hyperactive Vicki was more of a mentalpreneur
Shazia Mustafa and Yusuf Chadun then lurched into the den with Third Door, their combo of office space and children’s day nursery. It wasn’t explained what the third door was – ideally it’d be one that led you away from both your work and your kids and down to the nearest Yates’ Wine Lodge.
Shazia was pregnant, in what might be a desperate attempt to fill up the nursery. Their pitch fell apart when they failed to come up with anything that resembled coherent financial figures. That’s a great advert for an organisation that pretty much needs to be certain how many children are on the premises and haven’t buggered off out of the third door and on to a nearby dual carriageway.
What with X Factor and the Den, it’s been a big weekend for homeless awareness, and next up was kilt-wearing former Sandy – a quirky sand sculptor, who wandered in with a vague idea about a chain of bars made from sand.
It sounds ridiculous but Sandy was no amateur – he boasted of having made the world’s biggest sand sofa with Dexter Fletcher, although he didn’t say how much work Fletcher had put in. Perhaps the actor/director did most of the graft while Sandy sat around drinking meths and playing the harmonica badly for loose change.
It all went wrong when Sandy announced his plans to take sand to Glastonbury, make a pop-up sand bar and sell beer. Duncan Bannatyne was incredulous at this suggestion, although to be fair, he might not be aware of the fact that there’s a festival at Glastonbury.
Sandy valued his idea at a million, a figure based mainly on an anecdote he recounted about a bloke he’d once spoken to whose bar turned over £70k in one night. It was a business plan that was pretty much made from sand and deserved to be towed out into the sea and sunk
Righ at the end, the dragons finally found something they fancied splashing out on – Shampooheads, a range of character-based kiddie shampoos, which is already being stocked in Boots. They didn’t know how quickly to offer to invest, struggling to hide their drool as they envisaged snaffling this dead cert that had fallen into their laps.
Geoff and Collette had the dragons dancing in the palms of their hands and could have got them to do ANYTHING. In the end, they opted to let Theo and Sexual Tina become their new partners
Attempting to play it cool, the five dragons each had their poker faces on, with only Peter Jones losing his grip and babbling ‘I’ve got five kids!’ in a pathetic attempt to persuade Geoff and Collette Bell that only HE could take their shampoo to the next level.
It was a wondrous sight – Geoff and Collette had the dragons dancing in the palms of their hands and could have got them to do ANYTHING. In the end, they opted to let Theo and Sexual Tina become their new partners, but if they’d commanded them to perform some S&M roleplay in the middle of the den for the honour of investing, the monied duo would probably have done it in a heartbeat.
Enjoy the rest of your day dear reader, as that image fails to remove itself from your brain…
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