Forget those so-called big events of 2012– underwhelming Jubilee street parties, paralympic wrestling, the Mayan yawnocalpyse. It is EUROVISION TIME. The Eurovision plops big, dazzling, glittery disco turds on everything else ever, and it does so while singing a song called ‘Noo noo nee nee, di di di – (Israel 1974), The wonderful thing is that this year it’s in Baku in Azerbajan, which was once home to three donkeys, and now looks like something P.Diddy might have dreamed up after a night on the Stilton flavoured Ciroc. It is perfect for Eurovision – tacky as fuck, with a major undercurrent of gas. Here are my top five favourites to win tonight.
If there is a God, and he enjoys watching several camp Turkish men making a pretend boat out of their capes, then Turkey will win. The prize will probably go to some bog standard Evanessence look-alikes from Lithuania with robot backing singers and a melting piano, but in a just world, Can Bonomo’s mind-boggling sea shanty will be victorious. How can it not be? The chorus goes: ‘like me like I like you we say na nee na nee na nee na.’ Touching.
Bellowing eejit on vocals? Check. A horrible ‘1, 2, 3 Go!’ Euro chord change? Check. But then… mad footwork. The kind of footwork that makes you attempt to copy it and then dislocate your hip in the kitchen. On top of that there are explosions, a Tulisa lookalike mangling the one pitiful line she gets and after that it all gets a bit like taking loads of ketamine and trying to snog a firework on Mars.
It’s a little known and made-up fact that ‘Mandinga’ means ‘Jesus fucking Christ’ in Romanian, which is what you’ll be saying when you see this impressive shower of shite. Mandinga’s backing band, dressed as the White Stripes and carrying a variety of improbable instruments, fanny about while the singer, who looks like she’s been scraped off the floor of Tiger Tiger more times than you’ve have hot dinners, yells: ‘Say la la lee every day everybody’. Watch out for Gok Wan on bagpipes.
I don’t care that this is a cynical attempt to win - a kind of Russia’s Got Talent talking dog/funny granny/gulag flash mob. These real-life Russian octogenarians sing a disco anthem and bake fucking BREAD and it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen until you see something else on the internet five minutes later that’s also the best thing you’ve ever seen - like a kitten farting the Star Wars theme into an empty can of chick peas.
What the Eurovision has lacked for many years is a depressing Bjork wannabe goblin woman with a cottage loaf on her head and a dreadlock that looks like a long curly fish poo. Luckily, Albania has given us one. With no regard for the ears of the world, she belts out notes that have no place in the musical register, somewhere between ‘biting down on metal plate during electro shock therapy’ and ‘goat sex’. Enjoy.
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