It's no secret that Hollywood loves to crank out face-lifted old stories in order to appease the masses. But, here at ABftS, we've noticed a recent story hijacking trend that we'd like to hop on board with. Namely, live-action film adaptations of what were once harmless children's stories but have now become epic, ass kicking battlefests. Like the new "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters," which features Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as crossbow wielding badasses (instead of fat little children lost in the woods), or "Snow White and the Huntsman," which features Kristen Stewart as a sword-swinging huntress (instead of a helpless damsel that sings to birds). So here are a couple of fairy tales we'd like to see brought to the big screen and majorly badassified.
Little Miss Muffet
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her
And Miss Muffet blew the bastard away.
Starring Samuel L. Jackson as the motherfucking spider.
But... why think small? How about a truly epic action story?
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Tired and hungry, a lone wanderer ventures into a cottage seeking food and warmth. The house is empty, but someone's recently been here. They left food on the table. It beckons to him.
"This porridge is too hot," he says (because even though he's starving and near death, apparently he's still a picky eater... douche). He tastes another. "This porridge is too cold." Finally, as he tastes the last: "This porridge is just right." And he eats all of it while he remembers the woman he could not save. Her blood is on his hands.
His bones are weary, so he looks for a place to rest. "This chair is too small," he says, and breaks it (like a complete dick). He sits in another. "This chair is too big." Finally, as he settles into the last chair: "This chair is just right." And as he sits in the darkness, he ponders his own existence. He remembers all of the needless blood he's shed in vain.
But then the homeowners return... and our hero is in trouble, because they're three motherfucking bears.
"Someone's been eating my porridge!" exclaims papa bear.
"Someone broke my chair!" exclaims baby bear.
"And he's still here!" exclaims mama bear. "Let's rip the flesh from his bones!"
But the stranger jumps into action, because he's no ordinary stranger...
...He's an ex-CIA mercenary, and he mows down the motherfucking bears with a pair of guns coated in motherfucking gold...
He empties both guns, and finally, there is silence. The bears are dead. But the thoughts in his head, the thoughts of a life wasted on bloodshed... they will never be silent...
because he is...
Coming soon to a motherfucking theater near you.
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