Not so long ago, when the announcement was made that Hollywood would be making a screen version of Battleship, James Cameron lamented a “story crisis” in the industry. Now, presumably oblivious to the irony of the situation, James Cameron is wrapping his shrivelled hands around the coppery udders of his sizeable oceanic cash cow, determined to eke a few more drops of milk out despite the hideous mooing of the beast.
So if like me you’re annoyed by James Cameron’s cinematic bestiality and resent the extortionate ticket premiums placed on a widely discredited gimmick, then you’ll want to see what else is on offer this week. Here’s a few to start you off:
Into The Abyss
Werner Herzog is probably the world’s greatest living director, I’m happy to say that and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. His back catalogue is formidable, his risk taking enviable and his subject matter always intriguing. Also, with Cave of Forgotten Dreams, he is the only director so far who has made a film that’s significantly better in 3D than it is in 2D. His latest documentary is an exploration of capital punishment, and if it’s as good as his shorter Channel 4 documentaries that have appeared in recent weeks, it’s bound to rank up with his best work.
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists
Ok, so you might want something lighter, and you might enjoy wearing 3D glasses. That’s cool, I understand, but if you must see a 3D film this week, then it has to be the new Aardman film. It’s about boats as well! But this time they’re filled with swashbuckling, ham-eating, beard-tending pirates, rather than Leonardo DiCaprio desperately waiting for Martin Scorsese to come along and inject his career with a degree of credibility. The Pirates... is a beautifully made, genuinely hilarious romp across the seven seas, but then again, when have Aardman ever let you down?
Catch Me If You Can – Sky Movies Drama
Fine, you like Leonardo DiCaprio. You don’t care about the mawkish inevitability of Titanic¸ you just want to see him and Kate Winslet and that scene in the steamed up car. Well, I see you that scene, and I raise you DiCaprio successfully conning a hooker in the excellent Catch Me If You Can. A hooker who looks exactly like Jennifer Garner, no less! The American dream has never been illustrated so succinctly. Although, despite Leo’s great performance, Christopher Walken steals this film by virtue of being Christopher Walken.
The American dream has never been illustrated so succinctly. Although, despite Leo’s great performance, Christopher Walken steals this film by virtue of being Christopher Walken.
Bad Boys – UK Gold, 13th / 14th April
Don’t have Sky Movies? I don’t have Sky Movies either! We should go for a pint, or find a friend who has Sky Movies. Until then, Bad Boys is on TV this weekend. Fucking Bad Boys! If you would rather see Titanic 3D than Bad Boys then you’re mental. Simple as that.
Uncle Buck – Sky Living, 15th April
You’re busy all week, that’s understandable, bank holiday weekend fucks everything up. Working on Sunday as well? You’re not! WELL WATCH UNCLE BUCK THEN! John Candy looking after his nieces and nephews, hilarity ensues. Be warned though, watching this film will probably make you want to watch John Candy’s masterpiece, Cool Runnings, a film with an ending about a thousand times more emotional than Titanic. You’ll need a cuddle after.
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