1. Yahiya Jammeh - The Gambia
His Excellency Sheikh Professor Alhaji Dr. Yahya Abdul-Azziz Jemus Junkung Jammeh, thinks HIV/AIDS can be cured by smoothies. The despot ruling Africa’s smallest nation visits hospitals in the Gambia and rubs patients with a mixture of bananas, herbs and spices and tells the sufferer that they no longer have the disease. Touring the country in 2007 he said “Mine is not an argument, mine is a proof. It’s a declaration. I can cure AIDS and I will.” Mindful that he won’t be receiving the Nobel Prize for Medicine he dreams up awards. Local paper, The Daily Observer prints his sham boasts. One recent headline stated “President Jammah bags four awards” which included the “Platinum Award 2009 by President Barrack Obama”. Even historical events are invented, printed recently was “the first Atlantic flight and the first flight from Eastern Europe landed in The Gambia." Loads more to come, the BBC reported recently his plans to rule for a billion years.
2. Kim Jong-un – North Korea
New kid on the block Kim Junior has not been in power long, therefore megalomania credentials are still to be seen. But if Kim Jong-ill was my dad and kids threw plastic flowers at my feet, and pictures of my face were on big buildings, and acrobats in lurid latex did cartwheels for the benefit of me. I would have delusions. The fresh-faced Korean takes 2nd place for a very bright future in the tyrant arena. However in a recent moment of clarity, Kim went to a local theme park and said it was “pathetic”.
3. Aleksandr Lukashenko - Belarus
Europe’s last remaining dictator. In a time when Eastern European states have joined the EU and want to move on from Soviet misery, this guy carries on choking free speech and torturing anybody who might question his backwards rule. Like an irresponsible uncle who won’t grow up - he doesn’t give a fuck what the sensible bureaucrats think of him - when criticised by gay German politico Guido Westerwelle, he said: "Whoever was shouting about dictatorship there ... when I heard that, I thought: it's better to be a dictator than gay." Dictators never like gays. He also thinks he looks like President Barack Obama: “I look at Obama, a young man, a good-looking person. That is my first impression, I feel sorry for him. He looks 100% like Lukashenko”
4. King Mswati III – Swaziland
Africa’s last remaining absolute monarch likes to ponce around in a huge Maybach, 20 mega Mercedes, 15 palaces, and a private jet. For his Birthday, not happy with spending £250,000 on every thinkable excess - he demanded cows from his people to kill for a bit of fun at the party.
5. Robert Mugabe - Zimbabwe
Mugabe hoped to make things fair in an unequal Zimbabwe and fucked-up big time. The social reformer had good intentions, unfortunately things backfired and bad policy caused total economic meltdown. In 2007 the veteran despot wouldn't accept the once prosperous country was screwed and ruined. In an interview he said: “Our economy is a hundred times better, than the average African economy. Outside South Africa, what country is [as good as] Zimbabwe? … What is lacking now are goods on the shelves —that is all”. Like all tyrants, he loves Adolf: “This Hitler has only one objective: justice for his people, sovereignty for his people, recognition of the independence of his people and their rights over their resources… If that is Hitler, then let me be a Hitler tenfold.”
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