From Saw Horse To Silly Elliot: Ten Alternative Movies And The Stars That Should Be In Them

Think you know your films a bit too well? Then consider these alternative versions of ten blockbusters
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Think you know your films a bit too well? Then consider these alternative versions of ten blockbusters
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1. "Saw Horse"

A saw horse that belongs to 49-year old carpenter Ben Jackson (Tim Allen) has its home in his basement, but embarks on an odyssey of local construction sites where it must overcome obstacles such as being used as a seat during lunch break, tossed about in the back of Ben's rickety pick-up truck, and finally broken into pieces to be used as firewood when the winter cold becomes too much for the construction crew. The saw horse is consumed by the flames, but no-one gives a f*ck because you can easily make a new saw horse, especially when you're a carpenter. Some language.

2. "Dude, We Shrunk a Zoo!"

Winkie and Ballbag (Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan) are a couple of deadbeat students who are unexpectedly left millions after their lonely spinster landlady, Mrs. Slagmont, passes away. When they finally sober up they realize they can't find their car, and they've bought a zoo! After about fifteen minutes they realize that animals stink - literally - and they rue the day they bought what Ballbag refers to as "a giant shit factory". Using Wilson's physics know-how, they shrink the zoo (and hence the poop problem) and travel the world with it, amazing people everywhere with their six-inch full-grown elephants and foot-long killer whales. For all ages.

3. "Low Fidelity"

Ratty and Rakey (Edward Norton and John Cusack) are "almost identical" twins who detest each others' taste in music, women and sports. They share a small apartment on Chicago's South Side and hilarity ensures when Rakey sells all of Ratty's Marshmallow Steamshovel records to buy Ratty's girl a one-way ticket to Florida (he hates her). In retaliation Ratty murders Rakey's girlfriend and drags her blazing corpse through the streets dressed in Rakey's White Sox uniform while playing his newly-retrieved Marshmallow Steamshovel albums through a giant speaker positioned on top of Rakey's battered Chevy Chevette (which he despises). Rakey then murders their parents, figuring this will upset Ratty immeasurably, only to discover that he, Rakey, was always the favored son and has squandered his chance to inherit their father's White Sox season ticket. Their eventual reunion, in which Ratty and Rakey realize they actually love each other ends when Ratty's girl returns from Florida and runs off with Rakey to form a White Sox fan club in Milwaukee. In a final act of revenge, Ratty paints the Chevy Chevette in Cubs colors and drives it into U.S. Cellular Field in the middle of a Crosstown Classic Cubs-White Sox game, killing everyone in a gigantic fireball. Parental guidance advised.

4. "Monsanto Cilantro"

A scientist (Christopher Walken) with total amnesia induced by exposure to pesticides uses cilantro from his farm to build models of his life; names phone numbers, etc, so he can remember who he is. Periodically, a once-beautiful woman (Kathleen Turner) from his distant past comes to buy cilantro but he fails to recognize her 'cos she's gone WAY downhill in the meantime. He also forgets to wash his produce, so she too develops amnesia and eventually forgets about the farm (and everything else). The pesticides make his amnesia even worse so he decides to turn his cilantro farm into a zoo. Which he shrinks using his barely-remembered science knowledge. Unfortunately, two other men have already utilized this idea and have toured the world numerous times with their own shrunken zoo, completely exhausting the core market. In desparation he turns back to farming cilantro, but his original seeds came from Monsanto and they were programmed genetically to self-destruct after just forty five minutes if not planted. The Walken character then vows revenge on the evil corporation, but has forgotten who he is and what he's doing by the time he reaches their corporate HQ. Fortunately he is recognised by the once-beautiful woman from his distant past who stops and picks him up. Unfortunately, her amnesia means they don't know where they're going or who they are so they spend the rest of their lives driving around the California desert until their money and gas runs out. For philosophic youths and confused haggard housewives everywhere.

5. "Koala Man"

Mentally ill but charismatic Timothy Titmouse (Brad Pitt) heads for the koala-infested wilderness after his girlfriend leaves him for a well-endowed sexual athlete. Titmouse baffles science by surviving among the ill-tempered koalas for seventeen years with a succession of increasingly beautiful female companions. The climax comes when Titmouse's girlfriend Agnetha (Scarlett Johansson) falls in love with the Alpha Koala, sparking an episode of eucalyptus leaf hoarding and quite rude shouting matches between the two rival koala splinter groups that form as a result. When a gang of roving wombats raids the colony, kidnapping Titmouse's koala girlfriend and child, and stealing all the eucalyptus leaves, the koalas reunite. The final scene shows Titmouse confronting the koalas about their slow metabolism and subsequent tendency to sleep most of the day. The Alpha Koala tells Titmouse that he should stop judging the koalas by American standards because they're Australian and as such prefer to socialize, argue, fornicate and drink beer rather than spend every waking hour at the office trying to prove their manhood in strange indirect ways. Some nastiness. Ages 12 and up.

6. "Whale Hider"

Doiku (Michael Douglas), a Maori chieftain is disappointed that his only viable descendant, granddaughter Kunti (Catherine Zeta Jones) is female and therefore cannot inherit his title. Kunti posesses the gift of communication via whale song. Through this medium she learns the local blue whale population is being persecuted by a gang of mutant squid from the Mariana Trench, which is being used as an illicit nuclear waste dump, causing the giant squid to balloon to ten times their normal size. Kunti hatches a plan to hide the 100 foot long blue whales in a nearby swimming pool but due to their immense size they can't all fit in. With the help of several friends, Kunti tries to keep the whales hydrated, to no avail. Doiku becomes enraged when he discovers his granddaughter's folly, as the blue whale is sacred to the tribe. Finally, in an act of desparation, Kunti lies to the whales via song that the squid have gone, and they return to the deep. Unfortunately, the squid are waiting for them and all the whales are eaten. Lacking a totem animal, the tribe is subsequently disbanded and most of them seek employment in the fast-food outlets of Wellington and Aukland. A wake up call for dishonest teens.

7. "Silly Elliot"

Inspired by an unlikely movie plot, Elliot (Justin Bieber) from ET decides to become a ballet dancer. He moves to the ignorant working class northeast of England where he is repeatedly beaten senseless by bigots. After all his teeth are kicked out and his scrotum crushed in a pair of vice grips, Elliot realizes that boys shouldn't be ballet dancers, 'cos it's girly and shit, so he takes a job in a nearby coal mine. He marries a slightly overweight but vivacious local lass who is dynamite in the sack, spends most of his spare time getting shitfaced drunk with his new miner mates, and becomes a devoted fan of Newcastle United Football Club, whose soccer games he often attends in order to hurl abuse (and sharpened coins and darts) at the away fans. After a lovely life spent brawling, boozing, swearing and shagging, Elliot succumbs to a heart attack at the age of 42. At the time he is officially the oldest man in northeast England, thanks largely to his conscientious habit of smoking less than 60 cigarettes a day and never doing heroin more than once or twice a year. Educational, and a must-see for potential sissies everywhere.

8. "Chill Pill Vol. 1 & 2"

Semi-naked post-adolescent females engage in violent escapades with very old Asian men, who teach them martial arts moves such as the Five Knuckle Shuffle, the Hong Kong Donkey Dong Strong Bong, the Eye-Strain Queef and the Bucket Biff Bash. With very little in the way of plot but much in the way of tits and arse, this classic of the genre proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that Quentin Tarantino is probably a pervert and so are you. TISSUES RECOMMENDED.

9. "D'you Know?"

In echoes of "Juno", an underage gossip (Selena Gomez) is pregnant and she wanders about asking people "d'you know? D'you know?" unable to prevent herself from gossiping about her own pregnancy. Sounds shit? It probably is. Not for anyone, really.

10. "No Country for Young Men"

A comedy set entirely in a retirement home, starring Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Morgan Freeman, Burt Reynolds, Leslie Nielsen (RIP), James Caan, Sean Connery, Morgan Freeman, Al Pacino, Steve Martin, Bruce Willis, John Cleese, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Morgan Freeman, Tommy Lee Jones, John Travolta, Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy, Dustin Hoffman, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L. Jackson, Gene Hackman, Richard E. Grant, Robert Duvall, Ben Kingsley, Nick Nolte and Morgan Freeman. It's really very good. Especially Morgan Freeman. Some nudity.

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