Game Of Thrones 3.8: 6 Things We Learned From Last Night's Madness

Leeches, lotharios and newly-plegded loyalties were all to the fore as the fantasy epic lurches towards an explosive climax...
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Leeches, lotharios and newly-plegded loyalties were all to the fore as the fantasy epic lurches towards an explosive climax...

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1. All bastards are idiots #1

Although we didn’t see Jon Snow, the show added further weight to the theory that illegitimacy results in a high level of stupidity. First up was the Titan’s Bastard, (which I’m sure is a face-melting habanero sauce I had in Arizona). Who, in their right mind, waltzes into the camp of a woman guarded by 8000 unsullied headcases, three Dragons and two hammy actors doing poor Obi Wan Kenobi impressions, asks Daenerys if she was a whore he once shagged and comments that “she licked my arse like she was born to do it” before actually sniffing out the minge of her maid? Who? A bastard that’s who, one driven mad by the atrocious cod-Eastern accent of Ferdy from This Life.

2. Margarey is in way above her head

She might have some of the pluck of her Grandmother, excellently played by Diana Rigg, but when all is said and done Margarey is no more than a pert puppet compared to Cersei’s cold-eyed assassin. Told that “if you ever call me sister again I’ll have you strangled in your sleep” she looked to all intents and purposes like a girl who’s head will be on a mount in Joffrey’s snuff cupboard come winter.

3. Daenerys > Madonna

Like all men, I love Stormborn and would probably let her Dragons use my arse as fire target practice to guarantee a night of sin with Khaleesi. It only dawned on me last night, though, that Emilia Clarke has essentially pillaged Madonna’s artistic canon to beef up her portrayal of the wannabe Queen. Bondage style clothes? Check. Furious wide on at ordering violence? Check. Propensity for standing in the buff until men kneel? Check. Unmatched collars and cuffs? Checkmate. If Madge has three dragons on her next tour and enters the stage by climbing stark bollock from a bath then the circle is complete.

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4. All Bastards are idiots #2

Now I quite like Ghendry and have been quietly impressed with his commitment to the one lesson he spent at The Method Institute (subject: brain dread acid casualty). I say like, what I mean is pity. We’ve all had some dodgy one night stands in our time, ones that looking back we should have knocked on the head where she began simulating fellatio on a Kofte Kebab in the High Street, but seriously Ghendry, the fire bitch? Are you off your fucking rocker? It seems harsh, but after falling for that banshee following one squeeze of your pecker and a delicate kiss on the neck, you deserve to have leeches placed on your short and curlies and to watch Stannis Baratheon mug his way through some black magic.

5. Tyrion > God

I love Game of Thrones, so I’m allowed to say that a lot of the acting wouldn’t pass muster at my local am dram production of Abigail’s Party. Fortunately, most of the Lannister Clan have serious chops, and last night was another example of why the “lust-fuelled imp” deserves to enter the same TV pantheon as Omar Little, Tony Soprano and Walter White. Mournful that he’s had to marry Sansa, his performance of understated longing, punctuated with at least 10 brilliant lines and an embarrassment of Joffrey, was an absolute tour de force. And Sansa, only 14 hey chaps, bet you haven’t droopped that quickly since The Crying Game first aired.

6. It will go ballistic next episode

Since you first clapped eyes on the seven kingdoms three years ago, you may have been too blinded by Dragons, incest and the fact that King Joffrey is Lee Ryan from Blue after a bag of Mandy to notice that episodes 7 & 8 are always the weakest of each season. That’s not to say they’re bad, any TV programme which attaches leech to penis in pursuit of a coup de grace can never be truly bad, just that they form a bridge between the staccato development of plotlines in the first six episodes and the full on blood-curdling madness of episodes 9 & 10. Last year, after being lulled in with a pair of meandering episodes, we were rewarded with Wildifire, so Christ only knows what’s next. If you’ve read the books and reveal what’s coming in the comments, just remember I have your IP address. And a dragon that’s been eating Titan’s Bastard on toast all week.