Game Of Thrones 3.9: The 5 Best Things From Last Night

After a pair of slow-burn episodes the fantasy epic went double tonto last night, here are our highlights.
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After a pair of slow-burn episodes the fantasy epic went double tonto last night, here are our highlights.

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Walder Frey

A shithouse of some repute, had Frey been born in the 1930s it is quite clear he’d have carved out a niche presenting some sort of popular teen show in the 70s before becoming a poster boy for Operation Yewtree. From lines like this: “your king says he betrayed me for love, I say he betrayed me for firm tits and a tight fit,” to his cackling malevolence as he ended the Stark family as a power, it was a bravura performance from a character we don’t see enough of.

Robb Stark dying

After nearly 30 episodes of excruciating acting, ill-conceived battle strategies and an accent that wouldn’t pass muster in a pub performance of Rita, Sue and Bob Too, Robb Stark has finally left this mortal coil. Unlike his father Ned, who was scripted so brilliantly that my lifelong hatred for Sean Bean (caused mainly by his turn in When Saturday Comes) temporarily thawed, Robb was about as likeable as a pile of dire wolf diarrhea with the charisma of it to boot. Who didn’t cheer when he was taken out to the line “the Lannister’s send their regards”?. And good riddance to his bloody mother too, the erection-ruining harridan.

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Jon Snow leaving The Wildings

The Wildlings are hilarious, convinced they’re some fearsome tribe who can slay any army in their wake, they’re actually about as scary as a group of young farmers playing British Bulldogs after an afternoon on the scrumpy. Not only did they make a bad fist of killing one old bloke, they let a kid who’d seemingly double-dropped a couple of Mitsubishi Turbos take them out in his dreams. Props to Jon Snow for realising he’s better off on his own. I’ll have a tenner that Ygritte is next seen at Glastonbury, naked, riding one of those big stones and giving henna tattoos to scousers.

Hound & Arya

“One day I’m going to put a sword through your eye and out of the back of your skull,” is not the way most people would address a giant, murderous Knight with a melted face, but Arya isn’t most people. With only the idiot Sansa and the bastard idiot Snow left, it’s pretty clear she is going to lead the Stark family into some bloody vengence somewhere down the line. If ever there was a spin-off of GOT then it would have to be of this pair. Even though he retains the physical edge, with every passing episode the balance of power in the relationship moves towards the vengeful teen, which hopefully means Joffrey is going to get impaled upon his sword early is season five.

The promise of next week

As is custom in the last pair of episodes we only saw half of the characters last night, which means next week should see all sorts of shit hit the fan in Kings Landing and Stannis Baratheon’s sex dungeon. As ever, if you’ve read the books and feel the need to ruin this for any of us, I’ve got 450 bannermen and a couple of dire wolves ready to hunt you down and go all Walder Frey on your ass.