Game of Thrones Reviewed: Castration, Gareth from The Office and Shagging Baby Seals

Angry bears battling giant ladies, blokes having their manhood lopped off and David Brent's pal getting frisky. Just another typical evening's viewing for Game of Thrones fans then.
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Angry bears battling giant ladies, blokes having their manhood lopped off and David Brent's pal getting frisky. Just another typical evening's viewing for Game of Thrones fans then.

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WARNING: SPOILER ALERT

The episode starts with two of Ned Stark’s sons, the bastard Jon Snow and King of the North Robb Stark with their respective others, Ygritte and Talisa. Jon’s got a smile on having recently lost his cherry, and seeing Talisa naked, it’s easy to see why Robb’s happy. As Talisa writes to her mother, she casually drops that she’s pregnant which Robb takes a while to register, but there is love in the air for some of the characters at least.

In real life, you’d never solicit sex advice from a grizzled warrior wearing animal furs with a massive ginger beard. Jon Snow didn’t have to ask as the frightening (and unexpected lothario) Thormund Giantsbane offered some frankly progressive sex advice, telling Snow,“ be patient, your cock shouldn’t go near her until she’s slick like a baby seal, and to ”go slowly, don’t stick it in like you’re spearing a pig.’ Nice images Thormund, not a boner-killer at all.

As the Free Folk continue their journey, former paper salesman and inhabitor of animal souls, Orell hangs back to chirpse Ygritte, definitely the hottest of the Free Folk. Ygritte doesn’t seem bothered that Orell tried to kill her when climbing The Wall, and isn’t interested in him, having proclaimed her love for the bastard that knows nothing. Hardly surprising given Orell has the same goggle eyes (and interest in survival skills) as Gareth from The Office.

Sansa is getting some sex advice from Margaery Tyrell, who is now betrothed to her sadistic ex, Joffrey. Sansa is clearly worried about having to sex up Tyrion the kinky imp, and the more experienced Margaery responds “we’re very complicated you know, pleasing us takes practice,’ and that Tyrion has had plenty of practice. Sansa, in her naivety, asks whether Margaery learnt about sex from her mother. Actually from her mother? That’s wrong Sansa.

King Joffrey, he with the mouth like a puckered anus, summons his grandfather, Tywin Lannister to the Iron Throne to ask some shit about Council meetings. If you ask me, as King, the last thing I’d want is to sit around in meetings when I could be whoring and drinking mead, but each to their own. The little shit is soon tempered by the Hand of the King, who’s too much of a hustler to give ground to Joffrey. The little shit.

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Speaking of hustle, Dany is still hustling. Her dragons were fearsome enough, but now she has an 8000 strong army of loyal and brave Unsullied. With the dragons now resting on a perch in her shaded tent, she hustles a load of gold off the Yunkai emissary, and threatens to lay waste to him and his masters if they don’t free all their slaves. A classic Daenerys power move, as her dragons will smoke the shit out of Yunkai, like Cheech and Chong would a boatload of high-grade.

The Red Queen, Melisandre tells Gendry he is the son of the late King Robert Baratheon, and Arya does a runner, only to run straight into the arms of The Hound, Sandor Clegane. That can’t end well given the size differential.

Lily Allen’s brother, the paranoid and broken Theon Greyjoy, who’s spent the last few episodes getting beaten and flayed, was about to bury his famous penis in two beautiful maidens. Fearing it’s a trap set by his tormentor, the cleaning boy, he struggles to get a boner. But as soon as he does, a bugle sounds, which signals the end of Theon’s genitals. Thankfully we’re spared the full sight but it’s a scene that’ll make men cross their legs. It’s not been going well for Theon of late.

Perhaps the most romantic moment of the episode was Jaime Lannister’s realisation that he’d totally stitched up Brienne by leaving her at Harrenhal to be used as ‘entertainment’ by Locke’s men and demanding they return for her. Having seen Locke’s men try to gang-rape Brienne once before, he uses his charms (threatening people with his father’s power) to get the party to turn around.

On Lannister’s return to Harrenhal, he finds Locke’s men cheering around a pit, in which Brienne is fighting an enormous bear, armed with only a wooden sword. Brienne is pretty fucking tough but this is a massive brown bear (and it looks awesome. And massive.) Lannister, in a rare show of selflessness, jumps into the pit and tries to protect Brienne from the bear. His escort, Steelshanks, is forced to shoot arrows at the bear, as he is responsible for Lannister’s safe passage – the old Lannister forcefield in action. The episode ends with the Kingslayer and Brienne leaving Harrenhal.

Body count – 0
Dismembered penises – 1
Bears – 1