How To Survive A Slasher Flick

If films have taught us anything, it's how not to behave when a supernatural psycho's after you.
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If films have taught us anything, it's how not to behave when a supernatural psycho's after you.

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So another Halloween is here, and whilst horror fans might think otherwise I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that none of us are likely to be accosted by a hockey-masked psychopath. But just because we’ve dodged the swing of a rusty machete in previous years doesn’t mean we can get complacent. Far from it in fact; instead it’s time for some serious training if we’re going to survive the paranormal threats that lie ahead.

Of course fitness and basic weapons proficiency would be ideal preparation, but all that seems like far too much effort when you can just sit back and soak in the blueprint for slasher-survival offered by your DVD collection.

What to wear:

This isn’t a fashion show; so sensible shoes are a must whilst you stumble about like a dog on lino in a vain attempt to outrun your ambling assailant. Even if the last time you toppled over was in the drunken conga line at your cousin’s wedding, there’s something about an attacker whose top speed only just nudges subsidence that’s going to make you clumsy. Oh and it will probably be raining so best pack a mac.

Be prepared:

Preparation is key to surviving the slasher onslaught. Just because your car has reliably ferried you and your hormone-ravaged party of beautiful friends hundreds of miles to the mountain, lake or isolated woodland, does not mean that it won’t inconveniently give out as you flee for your life. Spares are essential, as is a good auto club membership.

If your name’s Tina stop reading now, there’s no hope for you - statistically more Tinas die in slasher movies than Sandys, Ginnies and Marys put together. Also put your hand up if you’re prone to recreational drug use, promiscuity or bouts of gratuitous public nudity…yep you’re all dead too.

How to act:

If your name’s Tina stop reading now, there’s no hope for you - statistically more Tinas die in slasher movies than Sandys, Ginnies and Marys put together. Also put your hand up if you’re prone to recreational drug use, promiscuity or bouts of gratuitous public nudity…yep you’re all dead too. Attackers thrive on your filth readers so if you do find yourselves inappropriately turned on whilst fleeing for your lives, whatever you do don’t suggest an alfresco quickie, there won’t be a happy ending. Strangely virginity won’t save you either, so your best option is to become a hermaphrodite or bury those carpal urges until one day you can replace them with the indiscriminate killing of attractive, if not deserving victims.

Turn around:

This isn’t panto, they really are behind you.

Finish the job:

Okay so you’ve shot, stabbed, clubbed your assailant to death until he isn’t moving. Good for you. Now unless you plan to be mown down by the juggernaut of your own stupidity the last thing on your mind should be walking over and flimsily nudging the apparent corpse to check you’ve finished the job. It’s a trick, trust me, fetch an axe.

Who to blame:

The orchestra, after all they’re the ones who really decide who lives and dies in slasher films. As a rule of thumb if you hear the string section, it’s been nice knowing you.

How hard?:

Surviving a slasher attack should be pretty straightforward, provided you don’t have sex, do drugs and most certainly don’t holiday in abandoned woods, haunted log cabins or in any way attempt to document your trip with a camcorder.