If Premier League Teams Were Game Of Thrones Characters

Ever wondered why Robb Stark is like Spurs, or which character's behaviour bares a striking resemblance to that of Everton?
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Ever wondered why Robb Stark is like Spurs, or which character's behaviour bares a striking resemblance to that of Everton?


Manchester United – Tywin Lannister

Still top of the tree despite many attempts to usurp his power, Tywin wrote the book on the nefarious tactics that it takes to claim power, and he’s a right bastard about ensuring that the status quo is maintained.

Manchester City – Joffrey Baratheon

He’s not doing anything that anyone has not done before, but Joffrey is doing it in an entirely more aggravating way, and still regularly fucking it up despite the many advantages he has at his disposal.

Chelsea – Melisandre

Undeniably alluring and in possession of real power, the only reason Melisandre is not bossing Westeros is because she keeps hitching her wagon to the wrong horse, maybe that’s all about to change.

Arsenal – Jaime Lannister

At his peak Jaime achieved things that few will ever hope to match, but as the years go by he gets increasingly grubby, and having his hand cut off just about confirmed his inability to compete at the highest level any more.

(This would have worked better if Tywin/Manchester United had cut off his hand, annoying, but what are you going to do, re-write the whole story in an epic piece of sexy fan fiction called Game of Boners? I’ve said too much.)

Tottenham Hotspur – Robb Stark

A strong start to his campaign put Robb in an excellent position to knock the big guns off their perch, but he floundered when it came to the crunch, and several costly errors means although he might have won most of the battles, he ended up losing the war.

Everton – Stannis Baratheon

In a fair and equal world Stannis would probably have taken the throne by now, but he is weakened by a relative lack of resources and too unlovable to ever really gain widespread support.

Liverpool – Robert Baratheon

Unlike his brother, at his best Robert was able to truly command the support of the people, but he peaked many years ago, suffered an increasingly desperate decline, and having been gored by a bore, he is well and truly dead.


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West Brom – Khal Drogo

This doesn’t make a lot of sense, but the image amuses me. Consider this a place holder.

Swansea City – Daenerys Targaryen

Has enjoyed some modest success across the Narrow Sea, Daenerys looks in good shape to step up and level and take the mainland by storm in the near future. Sexy, impressive and beloved by most who come into contact with her, Daenerys is one to watch.

West Ham United – Brienne of Tarth

An ugly but endearing creature, Brienne is often underestimated to her opponents cost. She packs a hefty punch, and relies on her physical strength despite being a romantic at heart. Unconfirmed rumours suggest Brienne was crucial in securing Tarth’s only major tournament win.

Norwich City – Davos Seaworth

As the maligned advisor to the dreary Stannis, Davos is very much a bit part player at the moment. He might become more important as time goes on, and we’ll focus on him then. Or he might get killed at the next battle, either way.

Fulham – Sam Tarly

Affable enough, and capable of pulling out the odd blinder when you least expect, Sam is likely to stick around for a long time. One for the neutrals to get behind.

Stoke City – Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane

There are some dark moments in his past, but now free of the constraints he imposed upon himself for so long, the Hound has a chance of redemption. Breaking his reliance on the long sword won't happen overnight though.

Southampton – Catelyn Stark

Determined to do things the right way, Catelyn has seen the best of her children ripped from her one by one to spend their best days elsewhere.

Aston Villa – Arya Stark

Of noble stock, Arya's talent has been well groomed by one of the best academies around. However her youth and diminutive stature means she heads into every battle at a disadvantage. Content to survive for now, Arya is targeting season six as her best chance of a title run.

Newcastle United – Jon Snow

Divided between his personal and professional loyalties, Jon is not entirely sure what he wants to be, and he has let a lot of people down as a result.  However he has the passion and the ability to go all the way to the top, and my money is on him banging Swansea at some stage.

Sunderland – Lysa Tully

A distant, irrelevant place, the Eyrie is presided over by a ruler with as much common sense as a bag of cats and generally only comes to the attention of everyone else when something mad happens. Questionable discipline methods have drawn criticism.

Wigan Athletic – Beric Dondarrion

(Preface: Annoyingly, Wigan got relegated this year, but as deciding on characters for teams like West Brom is taking so much time I refuse to give up on this one just because it no longer works)

Beric seems to die a load of times but always comes back to life late in the seaso…, oh what’s the point, Wigan have been relegated and Dondarrion probably dies next week.

(Postface: I essentially gave up on West Brom, so could easily have come back to sort this one out properly, but this is now over 1000 words long and I’m taking a long hard look at myself as it is.)

Reading – Edmure Tully

Edmure is a bit of a genial non-entity most of the time, but when he does come to the fore, it is amazing to see just how much he’s fucked everything up. It’s all pretty amusing until the end of the season comes and it’s all gone horribly wrong. Haha he can't fire arrows! Haha his military strategy is undercooked and detrimental to the long-term war effort! Haha he doesn't know how attractive his wife will be! Hah....EVERYONE IS DEAD.

QPR – Sansa Stark

Sansa has the resources to make an impact, but in reality she is unbelievably incompetent, utterly infuriating and a complete waste of screen time in an otherwise enjoyable weekly event.