I'm A Celebrity 2011: Meet The Inmates

This Sunday an Essex boy, a hamster eating maniac and a load of Z-listers head off to eat animal parts and take long showers. Here's the lowdown...
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This Sunday an Essex boy, a hamster eating maniac and a load of Z-listers head off to eat animal parts and take long showers. Here's the lowdown...

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The good news is that I’m a Celebrity… is coming back to ITV. There is no bad news. Unless you count tuition fees, impending wars, or the fact that literally everyone under the age of 8 is unemployed in this country. These are harsh times. So thanks sweet fancy Moses that we can all be distracted by some magnificently famous people having a holiday in Australia. But how will they get on, Josh? Good question… I was just getting to that…

Anthony Cotton

Anthony is the funny gay one in Corrie – that gives him an immediate advantage. If there’s three things I’m a Celebrity… voters absolutely love, it’s Corrie, gayness, and a biting sense of the absurd. On the downside for Anthony, only one overtly homosexual man has ever won the thing. That was Lord Biggins in 2007.

Stephanie Powers

The brains behind I’m a Celebrity… love to throw something a bit American and retro into the mix, be it Huggy Bear, or one of the Osmonds. Stephanie plugs that gap as the Hart bit from the hit 1980s TV show Hart to Hart. In this episode, Hart goes into the jungle with some strangers, convinced that her career trajectory is making a steady shift back to the stratosphere. And then she’s ordered to finger a monkey anus in return for food.

Dougie from McFly

Dougie likes to offset his dreamy boyband status with arms littered in biker tatts. It’s a thrilling contrast. He also used to spend his evenings sliding his long dribbling horse tongue up and down Frankie from The Saturdays, who looks not unlike Posh Spice. Could do well.

Fatima Whitbread

Fatima hails from a time when a nice beefy lady with a full beard and a highly irregular camel toe could hurl a javelin onto the moon, no questions asked. She is also the subject of a great joke that ends: “you fart in my Whitbread?” “No, I’m Tessa Sanderson”. Either way, she could be this years Navratilova (who almost won a few years back).

Crissy Rock

If you haven’t seen the gritty holiday drama Benidorm, then you probably have no idea who Crissy is. Hence, she’ll have her work cut out to raise her profile to the necessary levels to make a proper dent in proceedings. Truth is she’ll probably drift in and out of your life without causing the remotest difference to your chakras. Weirdly, she claims to have a phobia of bungee jumping, which isn’t a phobia. It’s just something she doesn’t really fancy doing.

Fatima hails from a time when a nice beefy lady with a full beard and a highly irregular camel toe could hurl a javelin onto the moon

Jessica-Jane Clement

The only hot one in there, Jessica-Jane will be under strict orders to take as many public showers as possible, no matter how distressing the pruning on her fingertips. Her biggest mistake would be to take a leaf from the Gemma Atkinson/Nel McAndrew survival guide, by having great bangers but nothing to say.

Lorraine Chase

Ahh, Lorraine Chase. How prime time television has missed Lorraine Chase. A quick search of Wikipedia reveals that she was once in an advert for the cocktail staple Campari, and then more recently took a role as an angry tractor driver on Emmerdale Farm. Great to have her back, isn’t it? That Lorraine Chase.

Mark Wright

Currently the most famous person in the world, a hunch suggests that producers would have rather put Mark in a cage with Jessica-Jane for a couple of weeks, plied them with booze, and then observed him making a series of increasingly outrageous hollow promises to ensure the full shag. As it is, he’ll be stuck in a jungle, whilst Joey Essex steals his business, his women, and possibly his bike.

Freddie Starr

From the same axis of sophistication as Joe Bugner/Rodney Marsh, it could go either way for Freddie. He’ll either become a lovable old maniac. Or spend his time explaining why he simply won’t do women’s work, like washing dishes, or carrying treasure chests up hills. Not ever. For anyone. Everyone go fuck yourselves.

Willie Carson

Ooh look, a tiny little jockey. Willie is borderline midget, which is very hip right now thanks to the Ricky Gervais sitcom Life’s Too Short, which is probably steeped in a sense of deep irony that most people don’t understand. Thank God Ricky is around to explain his jokes to people. As for Willie, he might do well, he might not. The whole thing’s a lottery.

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