When one window closes, a door opens. Just ask X Factor’s Stacy Solomon, who went through a window, opened a door, and now she’s in all the papers wearing her swimming costume, waiting to go into the woods with Shaun Ryder, Linford Christie, and Nigel Havers. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here has given us such wonderful memories, like the time Jordan inspired Peter Andre to pen a thrilling new concept album, the Royal butler plunging his arm into a kangaroo’s vagina to feel around for stars, and Phil Tuffers saying something funny, then having a smoke.
This time, who will be shouting at one another? Who will be wolfing down wombat penises next to a bemused Ant and Dec who haven’t fully explained the “tightrope” task yet? And who will join this small assembly of hopeless contestants? The ones who should have taken the phone off the hook, and just stayed in…
Nell McAndrew sat silently around the communal fire, too frightened to speak. She spent a couple of weeks quietly bathing herself, before being ushered away by Ant and Dec, whispering “I don’t know” directly into their ears during the weird post-elimination interview. Three years later, she won Rear of the Year. Whilst eager photographers excitedly took snaps of her lovely bottom, she was looking blankly in the other direction.
Vic Reeves and Nancy Sorrell
How exciting it seemed to have a powerful celebrity couple bunking up in the jungle – him an actual comedian from the telly, her a sexy lingerie model with a plumber’s voice. Sadly, they proved to be a massive downer. He didn’t say anything funny, she didn’t fix the fridge in just her pants. And then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, the series was won by Vic Reeve’s comedy rival Joe Pasquale – which is a bit like losing to Kylie Minogue in a “who’s got a bigger penis?” competition.
A hunch suggests that even the bugs that live in the jungle – who are very perceptive - weren’t aware of Chris Bisson, so spent the majority of the time feasting on Anthony Worrall Thompson’s tasty corned-beef thighs instead. One of the younger members of the group that year, Chris was so gripped by celebrity stage fright that he spent most days nervously hiding behind a tree, occasionally whispering to his colleagues that he wasn’t going to finish his rice, or sprinting down to the small ravine at the bottom of the hill to projectile vomit into a water fall..
Ruddock spent the whole show a single sneeze away from bricking someone to death, or bursting into floods of tears.
Notably, there was the time that Natalie touched a tree, and screamed “Arrrghhh! Sweet fucking hell! I just touched a fucking tree!” as if she’d just broken all Ten Commandments at the same time completely by accident. That was funny. But, for the most part, she was an unbearably spoilt little princess, who spent her entire experience hyperventilating because she thought she’d just seen a monkey raping another monkey in the shared toilets.
Football fans will have been frothing at the mouth with anticipation when it was announced that Razor Ruddock was going to be heading into the jungle. The half-beard, the protruding gut, the hilariousness. This was going to be brilliant. Unfortunately, it wasn’t brilliant. It was awful. He spent the whole show a single sneeze away from bricking someone to death, or bursting into floods of tears. He could have been the new Paul Ross.
This was supposed to be Dani Behr’s triumphant return to British screens, but instead she made all the impact of a dormouse with a tiny flick knife threatening to kick Dolph Lundgren’s head in. A shame.
The celebrity jungle has been responsible for a number of career revivals – Peter Andre, Tuffers, Kerry Katona. But no so for Anthony Costa from the dreamy boy band Blue - six months after leaving the show, his debut album as a solo artist failed to chart. A travesty for a man who sings like an angel.
As with Myleene Klass a year previously, Gemma decided to take the opportunity to stand under natural jungle showers in a bikini for six hours every day, slowly massaging Asda shower gel into her large bosoms. However, in a slight twist from the times Klass did it, four cameramen with erections didn’t immediately join gather around.
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