Lost In Reality: TOWIE Babies & The Jodie And Kerry Show

Daisy Buchanan hangs out with* (Twitter stalks) her celebrity pals** (people who were once on Big Brother or something.)
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Daisy Buchanan hangs out with* (Twitter stalks) her celebrity pals** (people who were once on Big Brother or something.)

Fifty Shades of SEXY TOWIE BABY LIES

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Celebrity Mums – they’re just like us. And by that, we mean they’re not above embarrassing their kids’ friends by announcing to several thousand people that said friends are into S&M book inspired sexytimes. Lydia “The Only Way Is Essex” Bright’s Mum, who prefers to be called @DebbieTowie, noted that Lydia’s mate Jess couldn’t put down Fifty Shades Of Grey, and  “jokingly” asked if she had abandoned boyfriend Ricky for nights in, alone, with her hand down her pants, thinking about CEOs. Then she tweeted “@MissJessWright_ and @RickyRayment hear there is going to be a baby boom next year!” suggesting the sexy reading had gone too far and Jess was already vomming when she had to walk past Wagamama, painting the nursery with Farrow and Ball’s Ciara Yellow and wondering if Ciara Yellow was a good name for her first born. Debbie had to clarify that she was Tweeting out of her arse, and this baby boom is happening “in general”, not in Jess. No matter how unkind you want to be about an Essex girl’s supposed lack of smarts, if Jess is reading Fifty Shades then she’s got a fair to middling chance of managing to read the instructions on a Durex leaflet.

Millie Made In Chelsea is The Suitcase Kid

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We’re a little bit worried about Made In Chelsea star Millie Mackintosh. We always assumed that when it came to picking out a residence, the Quality Street heiress would have a whole street of white stucco mansions to choose from. If things got really difficult, she could bang on the door of Buckingham Palace shouting “I’m posh! Can I stay for a bit?” or build a fortress out of delicious Green Triangles. Professor Green could even attack haters from the window by chucking old Peanut Brittle chocolates at them. No-one liked those. But Millie told reporters at the Nature Valley Games that she was getting used to “living out of a suitcase”! Surely even her roomiest calf skin Vuitton holdall isn’t going to let her live in the style to which she has become accustomed. Is there a zip compartment where she can go when she has to make sushi? And won’t all that hutching up will make her lovely hair go flatter than that of her arch nemesis, Rosie Fortescue? Millie, if you’re reading this, come and stay for a bit. It’s much comfier round ours than it is in a suitcase. Or it will be once that man has stopped pissing in the window of the Cash Converters round the corner.

Kerry Katona To Poo Herself?

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Oft “troubled” reality regular Kerry Katona’s life just took a turn for the weird – according to the Daily Star, she’s just moved in with Jodie Marsh. Following their meeting on This Morning, Kerry asked Jodie for diet and exercise advice, and Jodie kindly obliged, revealing “I told her if she’s going to do it she can’t mess about. She asked if she could move into my house so I could keep an eye on her. I said yes, because it would have to be as strict as that. There’s no point training and eating healthily with me, then going off and eating crap.” Blimey. That’s much more helpful than telling her to switch from chocolate HobNobs to plain ones. We hope this is the road to health and happiness for both girls, but to be honest, I don’t think anyone stands a chance against a grumpy Kerry Katona armed with a mobile phone and a Domino’s pizza menu. Also, Jodie’s killer physique is built on exercise and protein shakes. And Danny from McFly once told us that protein shakes sometimes make you poo yourself. Kerry has suffered some major indignities in the past – we don’t want to see her on the front of OK! weeping under the headline ‘My Brown Knicker Shame’. Jodie, mabes you can just take her to yoga and tell her about reduced fat Helman’s.

Alex Reid Makes Someone Feel Ashamed. (Film at eleven).

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In the slightly paraphrased words of William Thackery, it’s hard out there for a pimp, and being part of a celebrity reality couple is the hardest pimp gig of all. Poor old Alex Reid was hoping to grab some column inches at the launch of his new single, Stardust, but ended up being grabbed by a gentleman in stilettoes instead. Alex didn’t seem too bothered about the wandering hands to willy ratio, but his fiancée Chantelle Houghton told the world, via her New! Column, that she “felt disgusted. I'm also hurt and feel humiliated as well. It's in bad taste.” Chantelle has just given birth to their baby, so we’re willing to bet that she’s “disgusted” because Alex got to hang out in a club called Scrumptious and have a bit of a boogie when she was stuck at home all night, gingerly prodding her sore tits and compulsively ordering memory foam mattress toppers on bidup.tv out of sheer boredom. But if Chantelle was “disgusted” by the company Alex is keeping, what will she do when she finds out he used to be married to a woman who has had Dane Bowers’ foot up her fanny? Or indeed that Alex was initially famous for being a cage fighting cross dresser called Roxanne? She must never know.

Geordie Shore Star Exposes Dangerous (sort of) Sex Act

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James Geordie-Shore (it’s hyphenated) has sadly got himself into a spot of bother, south of the border. Fans of the show will know that the gang have been hanging out in Cancun, sampling locally produced fine wines and engaging in some traditional South American street theatre. James GS had been immersing himself in the culture through sport – but a wrestling accident has left him with a dislocated knee and torn leg ligaments, meaning he’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of the trip. Some viewers of the show claim it’s James’ fault for not paying attention to the instructions and spending the sports session making fun of his trainer for dressing “like a gimp”. However, we think that when James signed up for Mexican Wrestling, he was expecting a wildly exciting sex session and wasn’t prepared for the activity to be so literal. To be honest, if someone asked us if we were up for Mexican Wrestling, we’d have had our pants off faster than you can say “Cock Robinson” – so poor James’ suffering has been of use to the nation in an educative, utilitarian way. Get well soon, James Geordie Shore. Get well soon.

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