Love Thy Neighbour - The Final

After 8 weeks of bitching and in-fighting we were left with a straight scrap between the attractive white heterosexuals and the MILF with a heart of gold. The only question left, who do the natives hate the least?
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After 8 weeks of bitching and in-fighting we were left with a straight scrap between the attractive white heterosexuals and the MILF with a heart of gold. The only question left, who do the natives hate the least?

After eight weeks in the media spotlight, Grassington can finally return to it’s more accustomed role as a sleepy biscuit tin town in the Yorkshire Dales, it’s recent notoriety somewhat diluted by the decision by Channel 4 to bump “Love Thy Neighbour” from it’s peak time Thursday night slot to a less fashionable time and place on More 4. That channel nobody watches. So nobody got to the see the tranny from Bradford. Thankfully, through the power of C4od - telly on the internet - I’ve been able to catch up with all the latest action and I’ve witnessed the good, the bad and the downright disgusting in Grassington’s quest to add to their flock.

The semi final of the show saw the winning families dispatched to luxury camper vans discreetly encamped in a meadow overlooking the town. Bitchy gay couple Craig and Dean are soon complaining about the incessant banging chav music coming from the Andy & Vicky next door. Dean has a plan to push all the other van’s down the hill. Apart from tickling a sheeps knackers he’s had a rough time of it so far, bursting in to tears when these backward bastards didn’t hug him and tell him in a loud voice that they really don’t give a hoot what he does with Craig’s fiddle stick.

Premium MILF Laura is still raising the flagpoles of the men in the village, particularly Gareth from The Office who is smitten to the point of ejaculating every time she flashes her catalogue smile. Evil Mo is concerned she’s leading the poor man on, but all Laura has to do is breathe and the men of the town come over all glassy eyed and heavy with seed.

They’re given ridiculous questionnaires to complete where they have to confess how many times they’ve been refused credit, smoked a joint or had sex with a horse.

Simone and Phillip don’t seem to have the same united front they brought in the first episode and he’s already pissed off the residents by talking about just using the place at the weekend like some kind of sordid holiday cottage.

Jay and Steph come up with the idea of a web site for Grassington, finally bringing the town in to the 21st century. Everyone pretends that this is a good idea and nobody even bothers to mention they’re already drowning in local web pages. Steph looks like her waters are about to break at any second.

“What the hell is she wearing?”, exclaims my missus, but she does that a lot when we watch telly together. Hell, even I start to do it. “What the hell is he wearing?”, I scream when I see Paul’s tent shaped stripy jumper. It looks like it was knitted by a nutter. Talking of which, Donna and Louise are invited in to the house of the knitting ladies and for once we get to see why they’re always sitting outside. The place is a fucking pig sty. No, seriously, it probably is where they keep the pigs - and rats too judging by the half eaten shit all over the floor. It’s too much for the lesbians and after a long night of anus scratching they retire from the show suffering from stress and tapeworm.

The couples line up on stage in the town hall and have their dignity stripped bare and battered through the humiliating process of being told how exactly how unpopular they are. Like the fat kid being picked last for the football team. First to head back to where they came from are the blacks, then the gays, closely followed by the cockneys. Which just leaves the attractive white heterosexuals. The production team aren’t happy. This isn’t making for good television any more. It beats me why they didn’t use actors instead of real people. Imagine the fun they could have had really winding up the residents or better still - use actors to be the residents and freak out the contestants. Don’t forget where you heard the idea first.

So, at long last we reach the final of this stupendous affair. Andy and Vicky versus Laura. Two against one. A bit unfair? Not really. Laura has an unfair disadvantage in that she’s bloody gorgeous and can speak without slurring. She spends hours meeting and greeting whilst Andy and Vicky blow up a couple of balloons and weep about how shit they are.

Donna and Louise are invited in to the house of the knitting ladies and for once we get to see why they’re always sitting outside. The place is a fucking pig sty. No, seriously, it probably is where they keep the pigs.

They’re given ridiculous questionnaires to complete where they have to confess how many times they’ve been refused credit, smoked a joint or had sex with a horse. The nosiest, least camera shy residents are selected to visit the competitors homes to check out their backgrounds. They interrogate their neighbours, family and friends and go through all their stuff. Even looking under Andy’s bed for porn. Sour faced Bev is suddenly softened by the realisation that Laura is a real person and that despite being an attractive woman she isn’t some kind of evil sex vampire who has come to dance naked on the graves of Grassington’s dead. Instead she has a modest home with modest things in it. She even has modest friends who like her. This completely wins Bev over who is so smitten she is now in charge of Team Laura and can be seen chasing cars down the street, demanding votes for her delightful new buddy.

Meanwhile Andy is secretly going around the town threatening to batter anyone who doesn’t vote for him. It’s also a bit worrying that we haven’t seen Laura’s son for a while. We’re told he’s being looked after by relatives, but I wonder if Andy and Vicky have kidnapped him and are hiding him somewhere until they win the house. He reminds her of this just as she’s about to her make her speech in front of the packed town hall. He whispers something in her ear and she grimaces. Watch it on c4od if you don’t believe me. Definitely looks like foul play.

Laura’s knees wobble, her voice is cracked with emotion, and she throws away the chance of winning by making it clear she won’t sleep with anyone in the village. Doe eyed Gareth from The Office chokes on the lump in his throat. Eddie Hitler counts the votes for the last time and the grizzly doctor announces that with only three votes in it Andy and Vicky are the winners. Andy goes nuts and gets down on one knee and proposes to Vicky. The old women of the town shake with delight. They haven’t been this excited since that Daniel O’Donnel tribute act came to Skipton.

Laura decides to move to Grassington anyway and internet rumours are rife with unsubstantiated suggestions that Andy and Vicky have decided they don’t want to live in the town and are looking to flog their new £350,000 house. Meanwhile, the residents of Grassington continue their war of words... right here on Sabotage Times.

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