The nation – well, about five of us – were gripped by the Jamie-Louise-Spencer love triangle that kicked off during last week’s Chelsea. As love triangles go, this is definitely an isosceles job. There are two corners that love each other and are trying to be close to each other – but they’re kept apart by a mad bastard point with floppy hair. Will the path to true love be smooth? No, because otherwise the programme would be a load of Rimmel adverts and shots of people drinking Bloody Marys. Here’s what happened.
Our first stop is fancy Chelsea dining establishment, The Bluebird. I know it's posh because it's frequently featured in the Half Price posh restaurants section on lastminute.com. I wish I were able to make a clunky Maeterlinck joke about how the bluebird of happiness resides in SW3, but even if that shitty metaphor did fly it would soon be pecked out of its nest by the Crow of Doom. We are in the presence of pure evil. Spencer is sat opposite Rosie. I'm waiting for the two separate brands of bad to bounce off each other and warp the table legs. Together, Spencer and Rosie could generate enough hate to bend spoons. I imagine the waiting staff are anxious about letting them share chips, lest the table catches fire.
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