My First TV Crush: Deceived By Daisy Duke

When I was eight years old my father caught me midway through my first sexual experience.
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When I was eight years old my father caught me midway through my first sexual experience.

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Back in the early eighties TVs were huge heavy cubes of joy that brought US shows into your house on a Saturday night. Shows like the Dukes of Hazard, which to the Americans probably gave the hope that the South would rise again but over here just showed two "good ol' boys" Bo & Luke Duke (with the help of their sexy cousin Daisy) thwarting the corrupt plans of Boss Hogg & Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane. It was basically Robin Hood set in Georgia and where Marion was Robin's relative.

These programmes showed a life that we rarely saw, bikini clad women, car chases, explosions, in Oldham we were just happy to see the sun on telly. I always thought I'd had a thing for Daisy Duke as a child (so hot they named those denim shorts after her) and kissing the screen when Daisy came out in her swim wear during the intro would be the same as getting my lips on real boob.

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The static electricity that was generated off those old TV screens gave me a tingle on my mouth the same as I felt in my pants until I saw my dad had walked in the room and with merely a glare had conveyed the message that what I was doing was weird. That unforgiving face had stuck with me, clear in the memory and as it turns out, clearer than the crush.

I went online for this to see the object of my affections Catherine Bach and realised that my memory had cheated on her, there was no Daisy in a bikini during the intro it turns out it was actually Heather Thomas in 'The Fall Guy' I'd been kissing and in watching the intro to that, there's a good chance that my dad walked in as the shot changed from Heather in a bikini to Lee Majors & Douglas Barr in a skip. It turns out my memory is a closeted bisexual slut.

All that doesn't matter now as my only crush is my missus who when hearing me sing 'I'm not the kind to kiss and tell but I've been seen with Farah' immediately asked "Why are you singing 'The Fall Guy' theme?" and after the explanation, she admitted to having crushes on the original Battlestar Galactica's Starbuck & Apollo, a woman of taste who I'm not allowed to forget. Now if I can just get her to wear this bikini!