Question Time Romford: Where The Hell Is Boris?

Boris wasn't there and Diane threw around some smart metaphors; just another night for the Essex audience...
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Boris wasn't there and Diane threw around some smart metaphors; just another night for the Essex audience...

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@loveandgarbage : Tonight on #bbcqt Kermit, Fozzy, Scooter, Gonzo, and Miss Piggy or five other muppets.

First off, massive apologies. I promised you Boris last week, and who have I delivered? Diane bloody Abbott. You would have thought Dimbleby would have rounded-up the London mayoral candidates for a show with only a week until the ballot, wouldn't you? Sheer incompetence on his, and maybe my, part. Alongside Abbott in Romford were Simon Hughes of the Liberal Democrats, Chris Grayling of the Conservatives, UKIP leader Nigel Farage and Guardian columnist Polly Toynbee.

@PigLimbedViking : I wish double-dip recession didn't sound so tasty/rude. Makes it hard not to like it.

Yes, thanks to whoever you fancy blaming, we are back in recession. Abbott was unsurprisingly laying it all at the door of the Tories, accusing them of acting, “as a Victorian doctor; the more they cut, the better they think things will be.”  Toynbee described the cuts as an example of, “ebola economics,” suggesting that we were eating our own economy. So if in Abbott's metaphor the diseased body is our economy, then in Toynbee's we are eating our own rotting flesh. A graphic mental image to kick us off, one that Grayling appeared to visibly wince at. That or he'd inadvertently shat his pants when the title music started.

@QTDrinkingGame : Another special: 3 fingers whenever Nigel Farage mentions Brussels, or even sprouts

Farage came out all arms blazing, clearly of the opinion that front-line politics doesn't involve enough overt hand gesticulations. What it does involve, in his opinion, is a front-bench where, “no-one has a clue,” and the nation, “being run by a bunch of college kids.” It's outbursts like that which stop him getting invited to the cool parties.

@AdamLeventhal:  Watching #bbcqt- so far everyone has negotiated the Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt pronunciation minefield perfectly.

Next up for discussion was the furore regarding Jeremy Hunt. I mean, Cunt. Jeremy Cunt. Toynbee panicked the audience by suggesting Hunt was only days away from handing over BSkyB to Murdoch's monumental monopoly. So. Many. Ms. Grayling asserted Cameron was right not to sack the aforementioned Culture Secretary, as Leveson wanted to have his dirty way with him before casting him aside with the likes of Hugh Grant and Steve Coogan; their shrunken bodies devoid of any succulent information following the Inquiry's thorough rimming. Question: have you seen either of them since their court appearances? I thought not.

@davidwearing : After the revolution, Nigel Farage will be placed on an immigration desk at Heathrow and forced to let everyone in.

A member of the audience cried out in fear of the seemingly untouchable Ministers, “How many more fall guys?!” Farage, clearly seeing this as his chance for a free Party Political Broadcast, offered as his sacrifices Andy Coulson, Rebekah Brooks, Raisa the horse, the French, the Germans, the whole of Eastern Europe, in fact all of the European Union, the Chinese, the Indians, the Nigerians...

@paulwhitelaw : That disguise is fooling no one, Vince.

This was all before a strange-looking gnome-man from the audience got a little bit too excited to keep his point to himself and exploded in a chorus of adulation for the real White Knight when it comes to Murdoch vanquishing; Vince Cable. So inspiring was this man's speech that the Business Secretary got a rapturous round of applause from the crowd, possibly just in support of him interrupting Farage's general rant about who outside the United Kingdom he doesn't like. Which, as it turns out, is quite a long list.

@uwitness : I lived in Newham for three years. I've visited Stoke-on-Trent a few times. I'm quite torn between grim and grimmer.

Farage continued proving the old adage that 'haters gonna hate' in the next question, regarding the prospect of moving familes from the Newham Council area of foggy London town to the wild barren plains of Stoke-on-Trent. The UKIP leader decided the reason these good people were finding housing impossible to come across was because of, you guessed it, those bloody immigrants. The audience dared to stir when Farage mentioned open-door immigration, to which he responded, “you can jump to your prejudices, but just think about this...” Pot calling the kettle an ethnic minority, and all that. He explained that in two weeks it was possible for, “people from Eastern Europe to get a house, a National Insurance number, a job...” Hughes finally grew a pair, and brutally shouted down Farage, with the help of a furious audience member, stating that was, “simply untrue.” This finally seemed to break the UKIP leader, who sunk back into his seat well and truly 'faraged'. I'm coining that. Farage, verb, to savagely decimate those who thoroughly deserve it.

And so ended this week's verbal jousting. Next Thursday, Dimbleby will definitely be in London on election night... but none of the candidates will be making an appearance. Instead, we get Harriet Harman and Iain Duncan Smith. Oh the joy.

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