Despite having appeared in known shite such as Disturbia, Eagle Eye and the latest Indiana Jones movie, not to mention the holy trilogy of bollocks that is the Transformers franchise, Shia Labeouf's star is on the rise. As well as appearing alongside Gary Oldman and Tom Hardy in Lawless, he will soon be taking the lead role in The Necessary Death Of Charlie Countryman alongside Evan Rachel Wood and Rupert Grint before working with cinema's enfant terrible Lars Von Trier in The Nymphomaniac. For the first he confessed to drinking moonshine, the second he tripped on LSD and in order to get cast by Lars he sent tapes of himself and his girlfriend making the beast with two backs (A macabre image, I know, but I've had to deal with it, so you should too).
I suppose if you are as painfully average an actor as Shia Labeouf then you need to do something to make yourself stand out from the crowd, so with that in mind I thought I'd offer some suggestions for him.
Shia starts hanging around with Courtney Love, wearing flannel shirts and campaigning for the re-popularisation of grunge. He ends up taking this role too far and becomes an inspiration for a generation of miserable teens, leading to Love blowing his brains out, which turns out to be an excellent career move for Shia as his body of work is re-appraised leading to calls that he was going to become the next De Niro, rather than a better looking Jason Biggs with a significantly better agent.
Shia hears that as a result of the Fleetwood Mac reunion a biopic is being planned for guitarist Peter Green. Desperate to win the part, Shia takes a bucket load of hippie strength acid, locks himself in his room for a year, growing out his hair, beard and fingernails and wearing tin foil hats to protect his thoughts from beind read by the CIA. Upon releasing himself from his self-imposed incarceration, he finds out that any talk of a Peter Green biopic was just rumours...
Shia heads round Keith Richards' house and demands Richards shove a mars bar up his arse. He has brought along a selection of mars bars just in case Richards' doesn't get it right the first time. Shia doesn't get the part, despite saying he would be willing to have full blown gender reassignment. He never speaks to a traumatised Keith Richards again.
Upon releasing himself from his self-imposed incarceration, he finds out that any talk of a Peter Green biopic was just rumours...
Shia spends his days running through the Australian outback picking up deadly snakes, screaming "LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD! HE'S JUST EATEN A KOOKABURRA'S EGG!" and getting the horn.. Starts sleeping with black mambas and venturing into the Pacific ocean to find the stingray that killed Steve in order to avenge the great Aussie's death. The studio eventually go with Eric Bana. Shia is distraught.
Shia gets into escapology and attempts to escape from a tank of water in under a minute. Realises they didn't teach escapology at whatever acting school he managed to con his way into. Fails. Dies.
There you go Shia, take your pick.