Strictly Come Dancing Preview: Here Come The Hotsteppers

BBC1’s pre-Christmas prancing festival is primed and ready to go again, starting tonight. Let’s take a look at the celeb line-up and try to glean what we’re going to get from them over the next three months...
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BBC1’s pre-Christmas prancing festival is primed and ready to go again, starting tonight. Let’s take a look at the celeb line-up and try to glean what we’re going to get from them over the next three months...

ALEX JONES

The One Show’s Matt Baker did his bit last year, finishing as the runner-up and now his sofa partner is having a go. Expect much chat about training routines and muscle strains on BBC1 every evening at 7pm, making The One Show even more snooze-inducing than it already is

ANITA DOBSON

Anita used to be a bit of a sexpot back in her Eastenders days and her sleek dancefloor moves will probably stir the loins of men of a certain age. Loins that will be immediately frozen again when we remind ourselves that she HAS HAD ACTUAL SEX WITH BRIAN MAY. That’s right, the poodle-permed, clog-wearing, star-gazing Queen guitarist. Get down Roly!

AUDLEY HARRISON

It’s hard to know what ‘Fraudley’ will be like as a dancer – we’ve not seen him do anything other than the most rudimentary shuffle during his bullshit boxing career. If there’s a dance that involves clinging on to his partner for three minutes then he’s a shoe-in to do well. Otherwise, expect nothing but overwhelming disappointment. AS ALWAYS.

CHELSEE HEALEY

She’s got a name like a posh rollerskate and it says here that she’s one of the stars of Waterloo Road. The main question here needs to be ‘Is she legal?’ to which the answer is ‘Yes. Yes she is.’

DAN LOBB

I’ve got nothing positive to say about Lobb – he unfollowed me on Twitter earlier this week so fuck him. Fuck him in the eye.

EDWINA CURRIE

This year’s Anne Widdecombe – a big-mouthed, borderline-detestable Tory. Last year, Anne somehow became a national treasure, partly through her inability to dance and partly because some of us enjoyed seeing her being dragged across a floor. It won’t be the same with Edwina – she’ll be out to win it. As with Anita Dobson, if you start having unusual feelings about Edwina, don’t forget – SHE HAS HAD ACTUAL SEX WITH JOHN MAJOR.

HARRY JUDD

Put an each-way bet on this jumped-up little chancer, the drummer from McFly in case you weren’t sure. On one hand, he’ll mop up the votes of millions of fans of his wanky little band and on the other, he’s already thrived in a Children In Need Strictly Come Dancing special. He’s probably a Cockney as well.

Savage has recently turned his hand to football punditry, with his voice that sounds like a goose that’s had its brains knocked out with a spade

HOLLY VALANCE

Holly Valance. *drools* Holly Valance. *drools* Holly Valance. *drools* Holly Valance. *drools* Holly Valance. *drools* Holly Valance. *drools* (repeat until fade)

JASON DONOVAN

Now taking part in his 582nd celebrity reality TV show, which he’ll use to boost up his popularity rating and subsequently sell tickets for yet another shitty heritage pop tour and accompanying album of 1950s jazz standards. Seemingly a nice bloke, Donovan is now solely famous just for being. What a twat.

LULU

Fitting into the role occupied last year by Pamela Stephenson and Felicity Kendal, the diminutive Scots popstress will get scores of men wondering if they really would be prepared to have it off with a woman who has got a fully operational bus pass.

NANCY DELL’OLIO

Former Sven squeeze and the woman who once claimed to have taken the place of Diana, Princess Of Wales in the hearts of the British public. Let’s hope it doesn’t take her tragic death in a horrific car crash to put that one to the test. Expect to see a self-choreographed routine to Geri Halliwell’s ‘Look At Me’ in week one before she is dragged off the stage by security.

ROBBIE SAVAGE

Winner of the Footballer You’d Most Like To See Trapped In A Well award for 13 consecutive seasons, he’s recently turned his hand to football punditry, with his voice that sounds like a goose that’s had its brains knocked out with a spade. Now he’s on Strictly, where he’ll probably be shite but will use that fact to give him an excuse to have a row with the judges. I’d pay cash-money to see Len Goodman knock Savage on his arse.

RORY BREMNER

Complete and utter wildcard. Bremner’s so crazy that you don’t know who he’ll be dancing as. One week he could be dancing a bit like Ronald Reagan, the next he could be a bit like Richie Benaud. Or maybe he’ll just be himself. Mike Yarwood used to do a bit when he was himself at the end of his shows. It was the worst bit.

RUSSELL GRANT

The nation’s favourite psychic or hypnotist or whatever the fuck he is for almost 30 years now. Got to be the odds-on favourite, if the public take to him like they took to John Sergeant a couple of years ago. Ridicule is nothing to be scared of Britain, you know it makes sense. VOTE RUSSELL.

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