A Tribute To The Fucking Ace Swearing Of Curb's Susie Greene

Remember that episode of ‘Are You Being Served?’ where Mrs. Slocombe calls Captain Peacock ‘a sick fucko cocksucker’? No? Me neither. But I do remember the episode of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ where Susie Greene calls Larry David a ‘sick four-eyed pervert fuck’.
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Remember that episode of ‘Are You Being Served?’ where Mrs. Slocombe calls Captain Peacock ‘a sick fucko cocksucker’? No? Me neither. But I do remember the episode of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ where Susie Greene calls Larry David a ‘sick four-eyed pervert fuck’.

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Susie Greene is a champion cusser, a profanity professional.  She makes Gordon Ramsay look like an Osmond brother.  Whoever said that swearing wasn’t big or clever was way off the mark as Mrs G proves it’s both.  But this isn’t gratuitous filth or casual colourful language – it’s funny, it’s necessary and it works.

The character of 'Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Susie Greene is played by Jewish New Yorker, Susie Essman.

To those of you not familiar with the wonder that is ‘Curb’, she plays the wife of Jeff Greene, the manager of Larry David (the main character), the eff to her husband’s Jeff you might say. Also, where the fuck have you been?

‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ has been running for eight series since its inception in 2000, beginning with a one-hour special and since completing 80 episodes. The majority of the dialogue is improvised around a detailed outline and filmed using handheld cameras.  Remarkably, given her subsequent foul-mouthed outpourings, Essman was initially reluctant to use such language.  The show’s creator, Larry David, told her smilingly to call her husband, ‘a fat fuck’: "tell him", he said, "he won’t mind".  He didn’t, she did and bingo, Susie gets a trademark.

Susie Greene doesn’t appear in all the episodes - barely featuring at all in Season Two. Indeed, some of her appearances yield nothing in the way of obscenities. But when an episode calls for a ‘fat/sick/bald fuck’, then Susie’s your girl. The usual target for her vitriol is Larry or Geoff as they stand before her like naughty schoolboys feeling the full force of her wrath. However, the finest of all Susie moments comes when Larry’s wife, Cheryl, gets the full tongue lashing treatment when a mix up causes her to declare in front of a full restaurant:

Fuck you, you car-wash cunt.  I had a dental appointment!’

Not only was this a hilarious, genuinely jaw-dropping TV moment but it was made more outrageous by it being a woman uttering the unutterable.  No matter how many times I have viewed this scene it loses none of its punch and ‘that word’ still shocks.  So, if you’ve still not enjoyed the full ‘Curb’ experience, buy the DVDs now, if only to let Susie Greene fill your living room with her full sweary ranting repertoire.

You fat fucks.

Here follows a list of Susie's profanities, throughout the series/seasons:

SERIES 1

Episode 1 – The Pants Test

No swearing, no notable lines.

Episode 6 – The Wire

Shit – 2

Fucking – 4

Arsehole – 2

Pissed – 2

Fuck – 4

Fuckface – 1

Motherfucker – 1

Motherfucking – 1

Cocksucker – 1

"I tell you Jeff, you’re a cocksucker motherfucker!"

Episode 8 – Beloved Aunt

Cunt – 1

Cheryl’s aunt dies, Jeff submits obituary to paper which they print as ‘beloved cunt’

"When I die let someone else handle the obituary"

SERIES 2

Episode 2 – Thor

Fuck – 2

Shit – 2

No notable lines

Episode 7 – The Doll

Fuck – 3

Fucking - 3

Shit – 2

(Plus 1 mouthed ‘fucking’ and 1 mouthed ‘fuck’)

"You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit – GET ME THE HEAD!!!"

SERIES 3

Episode 2 – The Benadryl Brownie

No swearing, no notable lines.

Episode 4 – The Nanny From Hell

Fuck – 1

No notable lines.

Episode 7 – The Corpse Sniffing Dog

Fuck – 3

Fucking – 4

Fucked – 1

Fucko – 1

Asshole – 1

"You sick fuck Larry David. What the fuck do you think you’re doing getting my kid drunk? She’s slurring her words. She’s bumping into things. She stinks like a fucking wino!"

"Do I look like a fucking idiot that I’m gonna believe you? You got her drunk and you stole the fucking dog alright?!"

"You sick fucko asshole. Get me the fucking dog!"

Episode 8 – Krazee-Eyez Killa

Fuck – 3

Fucking – 1

"Freak of fucking nature doesn’t want a house tour!"

Episode 9 – Mary, Joseph and Larry

Fuck - 2

Assholes – 1

Shit – 1

"Wait till I get my hands on that goddam Larry David, the four-eyed fuck, I’ll kill him!"

Episode 10 – The Grand Opening

Fuck – 1

Cunt – 1

"Fuck you, you car-wash cunt, I had a dental appointment!"

SERIES 4

Episode 2 – Ben’s Birthday Party

Fuck – 3

Fucking – 1

(Plus 1 mouthed ‘fucking asshole’)

Larry: "Not quite my cup of tea."

Susie: "Y’know what, fuck you and fuck your tea!"

Episode 3 – The Blind Date

Fuck – 1

"You sick four-eyed pervert fuck!"

Episode 4 – The Weatherman

Fuck – 1

No notable lines

Episode 5 – The 5 Wood

Fucking – 7

Fuck – 1

Bullshit – 1

Shit – 1

"This one would stick out like a sore fucking thumb, this Jew-face over here!"

Episode 8 – Wandering Bear

Fucking – 1

Fuck – 1

"Y’know what Wandering Elk, whatever the fuck your name is, you were paid already ok?"

Episode 9 – The Survivor

No swearing, no notable lines.

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SERIES 5

Episode 1 – The Larry David Sandwich

Fuck – 1

No notable lines

Episode 2 – The Bowtie

No swearing, no notable lines

Episode 3 – The Christ Nail

Fuck – 3

Fucking – 1

"Pervert, you sick fuck pervert!"

Episode 5 – Lewis Needs A Kidney

Fuck – 1

Fucking – 1

"He needs his kidney number one. Number two, he’s a fat fuck, he can’t even survive the surgery."

Episode 7 – The Seder

Shit – 1

No notable lines

Episode 8 – The Ski Lift

Fuck – 3

Shit – 1

"Get the fuck out of bed!"

Episode 9 – The Korean Bookie

Fuck – 3

"Jeff is a fat fuck, Oscar’s just big boned."

Episode 10 – The End

No swearing, no notable lines.

SERIES 6

Episode 1 – Meet The Blacks

No swearing, no notable lines.

Episode 2 – The Anonymous Donor

Bullshit – 2

Fuck – 9

Fucking – 2

Susie: "You what? You jerked off in their house?"

Jeff: "Yeah."

Susie: "Oh that is sick. You have brought your semen outside our home Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yeah."

Susie: "That’s adultery. That’s cheating on me. You masturbate in this house and this house alone, maybe a hotel, not a friend’s house."

Episode 3 – The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial

Fucking – 2

"This is fucking great Larry, now Sammy’s kicked out too. Just knowing you is a liability."

Episode 4 – The Lefty Call

Fucking – 1

Fuck – 1

Motherfucker – 1

Asshole – 1

Shit – 5

Shitting – 3

"You go Larry, you go tell him that you were shitting all over yourself all day, shitting in your pants. You can’t make it to the toilet, you got shit running down your leg."

Episode 5 – The Freak Book

Bullshit – 1

No notable lines

Episode 7 – The TiVo Guy

No swearing, no notable lines.

Episode 8 – The N Word

Fucking - 1

Shit – 1

"You traumatised the doctor. He described you - he said bald, glasses. You said some racial slur and you traumatised the doctor and he came in all flummoxed and shaved his fucking head!"

Episode 9 – The Therapists

No swearing, no notable lines.

Episode 10 – The Bat Mitzvah

Fuck – 1

Motherfucker – 1

Bullshit – 1

Asshole – 1

"Fuck you Larry, bullshit motherfucker. You are such a bald asshole!"

Well, you get the idea. There are two further seasons worth of glorious profanity available on DVD now. I strongly advise that you seek them out.