The Apprentice 2013 Week 6: School Memories Ruined All Over Again

The quest to be the recipient of Lord Sir Alan Sugar’s ‘unbelievable opportunity’ continues. Remember all the previous winners of the ‘unbelievable opportunity’? Mmmm, quite.
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The quest to be the recipient of Lord Sir Alan Sugar’s ‘unbelievable opportunity’ continues. Remember all the previous winners of the ‘unbelievable opportunity’? Mmmm, quite.

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Week six then, and even though five idiots have been safely dispatched, plenty of other idiots remain, and this week’s task should have been tailor-made for them – coming with a team-building corporate away day.

You know, the kind of thing dreamt up and enjoyed by the kinds of bell ends that populate any given series of The Apprentice. Chancers who deploy phrases like ‘the corporate world’.

They didn’t disappoint and ‘the corporate world’ was tossed about even more than the usual buzzword du jour, ‘process’.

Both teams struggled with the initial ideas session. Watching them in action was like seeing the outpourings from a tap that’s been pushed into a brain that has been left out in the sun for too long.

School days, cupcakes and history were bandied around, with project manager Leah using  the word ‘majestic’ a little bit too often for comfort.

Anything would have been better than the bilge they were coming out with. Vicars and tarts, a puppet orgy, zorbing with vodka, a blindfolded night at the dogs, lager, lasers, pullover dismantling, cockfighting. Whatever.

Francesca’s Evolve team opted for a school days-themed day. Best days of your life apparently – unless you’re having your head flushed down the bog twice a day by Richie Wilson in year five (I’ve forgiven you Richie but I’m glad that the judge wasn’t lenient following your recent armed robbery conviction).

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Francesca set about motivating the poor sods that had come along for the day by telling them that it would be all about ‘the feeling of communication, teamwork, motivation and taking you all as separates and individuals, taking the best elements from those and moving you forwards towards the one goal, which is either success at work, success in yourselves or just success in life, and happiness.’

Then they were given some cupcakes to decorate.

As far as the other team were concerned (I think they’re called Team Space Shuttles), the theme had somehow shifted from medieval into a more military type of thing. Possibly something to do with the price of costume hire.

Alex played the role of Colonel Silly Shit and copied and pasted his own spectacular eyebrows on to his cheeks to make himself more gung-ho.

The military theme seemed to incorporate fannying about outdoors and listening to a motivational speaker – a bit like hanging around in the park and waiting for the local drunk to come along.

Sumo wrestlers were involved too, for no real reason, although Leah insisted at first that they wouldn’t wrestle, but would be allowed to ‘touch each other’. Sounds like some major childhood trauma being dredged up there.

As far as Evolve were concerned, the corporate team members would have learned less from their school day wine tasting session (it was cider when I was a lad) and more from watching the dynamic between the twin evil that is Francesca and Luisa.

As soon as Francesca announced that she was ‘Mrs Corporate’, her nemesis Luisa chimed up about how much she hated ‘the corporate world’. Beautiful – like watching a couple of six-year-olds fight over a My Little Pony.

Team Space Shuttle’s military-themed won out in the end, although there were demands for refunds from disgruntled corporate types (and who could really blame them).

In the boardroom, Francesca brilliantly opted to keep her bitch fight with Luisa bubbling along, calling her in to face Lord Sir Alan. She announced that if she was going to go down in flames, she’d be doing it decisively. Not like those namby pamby sorts who go down in flames all half-arsed. Losers.

Joining them was Rebecca, who didn’t do a great deal of anything during the task other than make the dinners and suggest the hiring of the motivational speaker.

They could have spent less and got Ray Parker Jr.

Amazingly, that was to be her undoing and, in spite of the fact that the speaker was one of the better-received elements of the day’s experience, Rebecca was shown the door, thanking Sugar on her way out, like they all do. DON’T THANK HIM – HE’S JUST SACKED YOU.

This was all rather harsh in the opinion of myself who fancies Rebecca massively. Bad business, Lord Sir Alan. Now all I have is the internet.

On the plus side, we’ll get to see more of Luisa and Francesca going toe to toe with each other during next week’s task, which involves throwing a caravan over a pub or something.